[video game beeping]
[upbeat music in headphones]
- [singing] 'Cause I'm hot, hot, hot for you, baby
You're gonna drop, drop--
- Uh, hi. Excuse me.
I wasn't expecting to see Porky here.
Uh, I'm sorry to interrupt you,
we just can't seem to find the bathroom.
- Oh. You come here a lot?
- Uh, just when my son has a birthday.
- Oh, right on. Well...
I'm here all the time. [chuckles]
Uh, listen,
I know a way to make your son's birthday
the best ever.
- Sounds great.
- Yeah, you can give him the gift
he's been desperately wanting.
- What's that?
- A father-figure. - Excuse me?
- You can I can get together and we can give him back
his childhood before it's too late.
What do you say, sport?
How would you like Porky to be your dad, huh?
[groans, gasping]
- Good job, Davey, that was definitely
"stranger danger."
- [choking] Wait! Wait!
- Oh, my God!
Ian, are you okay?
[both grunt]
- [panting] No, Mads, I'm not okay.
I've totally lost my Mom Game.
[upbeat music]
- This is America
Land of dreams
Everyone can climb higher
- Not you, though
- You're stuck here
- 'Cause you're a part-timer
- Yeah!
- You can do anything
- As long it's not hard
- And you can go anywhere
- As soon as you get a car
- You're gonna be a huge success
- Come on, that's not who you are
- You're a part-timer cursed with full-time dreams
And this low-paying job
Is as bad as it seems
Bad as it seems
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Whoa
What the [bleep] are you doing here?
Oh
But seriously, dude. - Like, what the [bleep]?
[creaks]
[crashes]
- Just sit down and relax.
- You know, girls used to fall for me
and see me as husband material.
Now they don't even see me as step-dad material.
Somewhere I've just lost my special lady touch.
- Here, let me help.
- What are you doing? What--
[grunts]
- You're much more attractive when you're not talking.
[upbeat music]
- You're just telling me this now?
What the [bleep]?
[suspenseful music]
- Lori, Ian almost died just now.
I'm not saying that would've been a total loss,
but I am saying you should let me teach a first aid class.
- Hurry up, Dinger.
You don't need ten minutes for every move.
- Lori, please!
No one knows anything about safety around here.
- I can hold my breath up to seven minutes
and still defend myself.
I'm the very image of safety.
- Fine. - Yes!
[suspenseful music]
- Got to take the load off sometime, huh?
- Hm. - Yeah, me too.
You know, no one ever tells you
with kids it's just take, take, take.
- Mm-hmm. - [sighs]
[suggestive music]
- Oh, thank you.
[video games beeping]
- Thank you all for attending first aid class.
Just one of the many benefits we're offering
our strip mall community
and, in exchange, you guys will give us
free car washes, right?
- We'll talk.
- The pretty one offered pizza?
- Oh, I never said that.
- I did.
- You know, I wanted to switch to formula
because after six months of breastfeeding,
I couldn't feel my nipples. - [groans]
- Does that make me a terrible mother?
- Uh-huh. - You know, you're right.
Taking care of myself will only make me a better mom.
You know, you're a good therapist.
- [giggles]
- You know, I have a friend
who's struggling with some body image issues,
could I bring her over?
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- Mads, the floor's all yours.
Whoo!
- We will have pizza at the certification ceremony,
but first, we have a three-hour lecture,
a self-reflection essay,
and a multiple-choice quiz.
- Three hours? - W-w-wait.
Three hours buys you a lifetime of safety.
Plus, two full years of certification.
- Come on, man, let's get pizza next door.
You want to come?
- Or, I'm prepared to show you how to
disembowel an attacker with a flick of the wrist.
- And I will show you how to re-embowel him
with first aid.
[cheers]
- I'm going with Dinger. - Yeah! Uh-huh.
- Whoo!
[all giggling]
- This is better than therapy.
- Better than chardonnay. - Ooh, Helen, you bad.
[laughter]
- You are so not like my ex-husband, Porky.
I find that a man that's not trying to fix me
is incredibly appealing. - Yeah.
- Yes. - That's right.
- [giggles] - Hey, Ian--
Porky, uh,
Lori says we have to go to first aid class
in the staff room.
- [grunts angrily]
Mm-mm. Mm-mm.
[groans angrily]
Forget first aid.
I have an emergency and I need your help.
- Me? Oh, my God, Ian, anything.
- Shh.
- [whispers] Anything.
- Okay. I'm in total lust.
- Um...sorry?
- Go in to Lori's office, get the box of red wine,
the boom box, and the tape labeled "Love Making Mix."
Now! - No!
I'm not going to help you seduce a bunch of customers!
Okay? I'm going to first aid.
- Dude, you're an Eagle Scout,
you don't need a class in first aid.
You need a master class in manhood.
Hell, I'll give you a merit badge, okay?
- Fine, okay?
But just to be clear, there's no orgy merit badge.
- Pete, prepare to learn from a sexual dynamo.
And, um, by the way, when the love making starts,
uh, don't look me straight in the eye.
You know? Keep me in the corner.
Direct eye contact's weird. Okay? Cool.
- Okay. Got it.
- Elbow left! - [all grunt]
- Let sweep right! - [all grunt]
- Now let's hear those battle cries.
[all shout]
- Now, take your wallet's back...
[all grunt] And then your dignity.
[gong crashes]
- Unless you never have any.
Hey-oh! [both laugh]
- [clears throat]
St--
So, now that your attacker
is disabled, disemboweled,
and decapitated, tell someone to call 911.
- Too late!
Your attacker's syndicate is rolling up
with a taste for vengeance.
Assume your ready position. [all grunt]
- [groans, whines]
[suggestive music] - Oh, yeah.
Oh, right there. That's the spot.
- You can only supplement your personality so much, Linda.
You have needs.
- You know, I don't think that my ex-husband even loved me.
I think he just liked the mask I wore
as a "happy wife."
And I'm afraid to take that mask off.
Oh, Porky.
I know you love me just the way I am.
- What's under your mask, Porky?
I want to see what's under fun fur.
- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.
- Can we see what's under there?
- Come on, let me help you get it off.
[suggestive music]
[all chuckle and coo] - Oh, he's so cute.
- You're adorable.
- [laughs]
- Look at those cheeks.
- You know what? You have been so good to us,
I think we should give back to you.
- Yeah. - Mm.
- I am so ready for that, ladies.
[suggestive music]
Let's do this.
[upbeat music]
all: Kee-yah! - Hut!
all: Kee-yah!
- Now that's what you do when the valet
says your car is not nice enough to park.
- This is not first aid!
Dinger, I'm trying to teach people skills
that will help them save their lives,
not just destroy other people's lives.
- The best offense is a good defense.
The best defense is jumping off the wall
on to your attacker's brain. - [shudders]
- [yells] [thuds]
[all groan]
- Dinger?
Dinger?
He's dislocated his shoulder.
Lori, get me a pillow. Ella, call 911.
Car wash guys, hold his body,
I'm gonna snap his shoulder back in its socket.
One, two-- [bones crack]
- [screams]
- Oh.
[amazed gasps]
- How'd you know to do all that?
- Have you been here for the last hour?
- Do you any idea how humiliating is is
to not be able to ride a plane?
If you invite me to Paris,
I have to leave six months in advance
to go through the Panama Canal.
- Ohh... - Baby...
- Honey, it's okay. - Everyone makes mistakes.
You are a human being.
- I thought you were a "sexual dynamo."
- I'm not, Pete!
Moms...
I have a confession.
I thought this whole thing was leading to
the best orgy of my life-- - [clears throat]
- Okay, the only orgy of my life.
- Aww.
- You thought you had a chance with us?
- That's so cute. [chuckles]
- Honestly, I would choose him before you.
- [chuckles]
- Can we still be friends? all: Oh, of course we can.
- Nope. You gonna lose that paw.
[video games beeping]
- Coming through, guys.
- Oh, my God! Is he gonna be okay?
- Yes, thanks to my expertise.
- Hey!
Are you the furry that tried to orgy with my wife?
- No, it was an emotional orgy.
[groans] [everyone gasps]
- Hey, bro, what dojo you at?
Whoa.
[upbeat music]