Hitting send and regretting it; snapping at someone we care about or even a stranger;
getting involved in an internet conflict.
We’ve all had moments we aren’t proud of, and there’s no use in beating ourselves
up over it!
But there is use in learning from those experiences.
And oh have I learned…
I believe that the absolute majority of conflict, misunderstandings and hurt feelings could
be avoided, or at least less intense, if people responded rather than reacted to situations.
Or, stayed silent, which is golden, as The Tremelous sang.
Although I think it was originally sang my The Four Seasons.
I’m not sure.
Anywho, That’s the premise of today’s conversation.
Easy in theory, yet, often difficult in practice.
I mean I can think of at least a handful of situations in my life where it would’ve
probably been better had I stayed silent for a moment instead of word vomiting.
Don’t look at me like that, pretending like you can’t relate!
Chapter II: The ego shall be stroked
“There is nothing that strengthens the ego more than being right.
Being right is identification with a mental position - a perspective, an opinion, a judgement,
a story.
For you to be right, of course, you need someone else to be wrong, as so the ego loves to make
wrong in order to be right.”.
There he is again.
Eckhart Tolle.
Calling us all out.
This feeling of needing or wanting to react can be triggered by smaller and bigger things
- anything from “no, I didn’t lose your keys, Derek - I gave them to you!” to political
issues.
Besides adrenaline, emotions, and our unique triggers that cause our often auto-pilot like
reactions to conflict, confrontation and the like, if we’re honest, there is a bit of
ego in there somewhere too, isn’t there?
It’s the need to be right.
To prove something.
To defend and protect our position or our image perhaps.
It’s a temptation that is difficult to resist.
The ego shall be stroked, like that of a kitty cat.
And it may be warranted.
Why should we not stand up for ourselves and our beliefs?
Are we supposed to hold our emotions in?
If I feel like yelling, why can’t I just yell?
If I feel like sending an angry text, why can’t I send it?
No one is saying you can’t.
You can do whatever you want.
I, too, have been in plenty of situations where rationality has gone out the window
because certain things simply needed to be said.
However, what I personally have found through the years is that when I give in to the emotions
I may be feeling in the heat of the moment and act on them, I almost always end up feeling
worse, more upset, more angry, more hurt.
Perhaps even ashamed.
And not only me, oftentimes, the other person ends up feeling more upset, angry and hurt,
too.
Not only that, in those situations, I almost always feel like I didn’t even get my point
across, causing even more miscommunication or misunderstanding.
So, what may an alternative be?
Chapter III: Reacting, responding or staying silent
The concept here is simple (in theory): Instead of immediately reacting, I practice pausing,
because pausing, even just for a moment, can make a major difference in how I think and
feel, and hence, the outcome of the situation.
After pausing, which may be however long depending on the situation, I re-evaluate, and I present
two alternatives to myself:
Option A) I respond.
Option B)
I stay silent.
Let’s go over option A first, and talk about the difference between reacting and responding:
Reacting: Reactions are immediate.
It's almost automatic; like an impulse, and basically entirely based on our current emotional
state.
It comes before any real processing of thoughts and feelings.
It doesn't take long term consequences into consideration.
Responding: Responding is when our answer is more thought-out.
It's purposeful and with intention.
Doesn't mean it always goes the way we want to.
But it's when you hit send and feel like those words are in line with your core values and
beliefs.
It's thoughtful, and, unlike reacting, it considers the long term consequences.
Now, how about option B, staying silent?
We need to pick our battles carefully.
It’s not my saying, but it’s something I say all the time.
Not everything needs our reaction, or our response.
No one has the mental energy for that.
Now, I can’t tell you when silence is the better option for you, but I have two rules
of thumb that I try to stick to:
1) Rule of thumb #1: If it’s someone I care about or who’s relationship or opinion I
value, I will respond, because I want to understand, I want to hear, and I want them to understand
and hear me too.
For one reason or the other, it matters to me.
If not, silence will typically be my go-to.
2) Rule of thumb #2: I read the person and their intentions as best as I can.
Is this person open to a conversation, or are they looking to get into conflict?
Do they want to solve this, or do they just want to rant and be right?
Will they even care or pay attention to what I have to say?
Of course, we don’t always know the answer to these questions, but oftentimes, we have
a hunch.
If what they’re looking for is an argument or to provoke or to simply prove their point,
staying silent is the go-to.
In the words of Will Rogers, “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”