Oh, wait. Okay, so what's going on
in, uh, Instagram and stuff, social media--
-there's a trend called micro-cheating. -(gasps)
Uh, it's not physical cheating
-but doing small, flirty actions -Ha!
like DM'ing-- Look at how happy she is.
He's like, "Wait a second."
-Who's taking this picture? -Uh, you DM your coworkers.
You like pictures of strangers.
Um, Hannah, you have a girlfriend.
How do you cheat without getting caught?
Ah. Well, I'm so glad you asked, David.
-SPADE: Give us your tricks. -Yeah. Thank you.
I mean, this whole microcheating concept is kind of crazy to me,
because what is social media for
if not to have crushes on other people, you know?
That's the whole thing, I feel, yes, 'cause I...
If I don't like... if I don't like a picture,
I feel like I'm cheating Instagram.
-Yeah, thank you. -Because that's the idea.
-You're supposed to pop a few. -Well, I...
David, you look like the mascot for microcheating.
-You're a (bleep) asshole. No. -(laughter, applause)
HOLMES: It's like, have you considered
-being unfaithful in an untraceable way? -No.
Oh. I thought you were just saying 'cause he's small.
-No. -Oh.
-Also, I hate both of you. -I liked it. -I liked it.
-Oh, that makes more sense. -You two tallies over there.
I thought microcheating was (bleep) a dwarf, or...
or if... or if you just
put the tip in, but you don't go the whole way.
-You see, that doesn't work. -(applause)
-SPADE: That's not cheating. -The tip is where the, uh...
-SPADE: Oh, okay. -HART: Did you guys have to look up
-microcheating? I did. -HOLMES: I didn't know what it was.
-My first wife left me. She macrocheated. -HART: Oh.
-(laughter, applause) -That's old school.
That's old school. But in her defense,
parts of my body could be described as "micro."
Well, I look...
-Like the fish? Shrimp? -Yeah. -I looked it up. I looked it up,
and it said that it was like keeping Tinder on your phone
or keeping dating apps on your phone
while you're in a relationship.
Then I was, like, well, it just sounds like
you're not really in a relationship.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one feels worse.
-That one feels worse, right? -Yeah.
If someone in your life that you're dating is...
has these apps on their phone, they're not dating you.
-You know what I mean? -SPADE: Yeah.
-They're just dating. Yeah. -They are dating.
I feel like another sign is
if they're having sex with other people.
-Right! -(laughter)
Look for these red flags.
-Go ahead, Jim. -I think this guy's just upset
-that he doesn't have a pillow. -Yeah.
(laughter)
I think he's sleeping on the bricks.
Like, how (bleep) uncomfortable is that?
It's like a brick wall at the end of the bed.
-No wonder he's grumpy. -Hannah said...
Nobody heard it. You said, "Who took this picture?"
-That's hilarious. -That's...
-That is what I said. -HOLMES: That's her joke.
That's your laugh. I just repeated it.
-I liked it. -Thank you.
Look it. In holy shit news-- we're switching--
Jamie Lee Curtis said
she and her dad, Tony Curtis, freebased cocaine together.
-As a parent... -And went to the prom.
(laughter)
And she wore the red carpet.
I think you feel safer
if you're doing freebasing in the house with your kids.
I think that's the idea.
You just want to know where they are.
The family that drugs together hugs together, but, I...
Pete, you had an Aleve once. How did that go?
-(laughter) -No, my...
No, no. A woman asked him to leave once.
Oh, yeah.
My baby and I do shots of Pedialyte together.
-HART: Ooh. -SPADE: Okay. -I can relate.
I-I think that's a lot of toxicity in drugs,
which is probably why Jamie Lee Curtis needs
all that, uh, yogurt that gives you diarrhea.
-That gives me... -It's because...
In coke, they-they cut it with baby laxatives...
-SPADE: They do. -HOLMES: There you go.
-I've been told. -SPADE: Yeah. -(laughter)
Been told? You're my dealer.
Um, now, I one time, on a lark,
uh, freebased in high school, and it...
-(laughter) -I see the appeal.
-Um... -HART: What's...?
-It was... -HOLMES: It's, uh, smoking cocaine
on a piece of foil with a...
-your straw, right? -SPADE: No. Propane.
-But... -(laughter) -And it doesn't cost anything.
I will say...
That really feels like doing drugs.
-No, it's really drugs. -Oh, yeah. -You know what?
I found out later, it was like doing drugs.
-JEFFERIES: All right. -(laughter)
It was true. But the...
I was talked into it, but there's also weed
-with coal on top-- Cocoa Puffs. -HOLMES: With what on top?
-Uh... -With cocaine on top?
Cocaine. Yeah.
You know, booger sugar, sniffy jiffy. Stay close.
-Um, but I did a little bit of that. -Booger sugar?
-And, uh... -Did a little of that?
-Yeah. -Yeah? -Oh, it feels like a waste of weed, really.
You know what? It turned out to be a waste of both.
-Yeah, it did. -Yeah, coke. Yeah.
It wasn't as advertised, I'll say that.
-It's, like, make up your mind. -Here's the thing.
Tony Curtis lived to be 85 years old.
What I'm learning from this is, drugs-- not that bad.
(laughter, applause)
It's true. And she looks great.
Yeah. But look at him.
He looks like if he touches your bare skin, you see how you die.
(laughter)
-That is cool. -Yeah, it's a little...
You know both of those hands are hers around the waist there.
(laughter)