- We have all kinds of illusions
that are set up for us in childhood.
Like Santa, he makes no sense.
We tell children that, once a year,
a fat old man breaks into our home,
eats our snacks
and leaves us gifts.
And that we should be excited about that.
We should be so excited,
we can't sleep.
We should be so excited,
we should plan our behavior
for an entire year
around this burglar
who travels with forest rats.
I can't imagine trying
to sell this concept to an adult.
- I don't even have a chimney.
- You don't need one.
He'll, like, find a way to get in there.
- I don't know.
My alarm system is pretty advanced.
- You don't want to set it, though,
because he's gonna bring you a gift.
- Like, what kind of gift?
- You write a letter,
you send it to the North Pole.
- He lives in the North Pole!
Why, it's so cold?
- And if you're nice,
then he gives it to you.
- Oh, are the men told to be nice?
What constitutes as nice?
- Well, listening to authority figures.
- Like, blindly?
Without question?
- Well, yeah.
- That sounds fascist.
- No, it's not fascist.
- And I think it also sounds
like a stalking situation.
I mean, why would I let some guy
watch me all year round
and bring me a gift?
I have a job,
I could just by myself one.
Why would I let some strange man
break into my house
and leave me a mini fridge for my beauty products,
when I can just get it delivered?
- You also leave out cookies
and stuff for him to eat.
But I think the most harming belief
that we perpetuate in childhood is,
drum roll kids, romantic relationships.
We spoonfeed fantasies about
what they're supposed to look like,
feel like, what they mean,
how they're supposed to complete us in every single way.
Movies, books, music.
They all advocate this highly romanticized
idea of love
without any mention of compromise,
communication, rupture and repair,
feeling bored sometimes,
how it's natural to be attracted to other people.
The ebb and flow of a relationship
as you're both growing.
Not to mention nontraditional relationship dynamics
like polyamory and queer relationships.
And lately, I have started to wonder,
does this same shattering of illusions
applied to friendships?
Were told friends are forever,
friends are chosen family,
friends stick by you through thick and thin.
Even one of our misunderstood sayings,
"Blood is thicker than water," actually means,
"Blood of the covenant is thicker than
"the water of the womb,"
insinuating that some friendships
are stronger than familial ones.
And I used to think that something
was wrong with me when it came to friends.
You know, I grew up as a military brat.
I'd move every few years.
So I got really good at making friends quickly.
But I've been in LA for, like, a decade now
and keeping friends is just
a whole other sports ball game.
You know, I've had best friends
that last maybe two to three years
and then you either drift apart,
or you have a falling out.
Or because it's LA,
they threatened to sue you,
and you have to lawyer up
and prove they have no legal basis
to claim ownership over an intellectual property of yours,
or a photo of you or some other idiocy
Because people here are full of delusions of grandeur
with no work ethic to match it.
Like, dude, we all read "The Little Red Hen."
If you don't do any of the baking
or contribute any ingredients,
you don't get to eat the cake.
I made the cake,
I'm gonna eat the cake that I made.
I'd give you a piece
if you bothered helping me with the cake
in any way, shape or form
instead of turning me away
when I asked you for baking soda.
This basic principle was taught to us
when we were five.
And it's one of the only childhood lessons
that isn't an illusion to be broken.
Like really, Suzy,
you don't believe in the simple message
of the "The Little Red Hen,"
but you believe in the Tooth Fairy?
You think someone's gonna give you $5 to $20
for this useless chunk of calcium and minerals,
and collagen that your body has just shed?
No wonder you've so much entitlement, Suzy.
You believe you deserve to be compensated
for doing absolutely nothing
other than existing.
Grow up.
And I've been thinking,
is this normal?
You know, the cycle of friendships
turning over every few years
versus being actual "BFF Forevers".
You know, am I just horrible at it?
Or are friendships actually
like romantic relationships
where you meet someone,
you spend several years getting to know them,
and you simultaneously evaluate
your compatibility and platonic companionship.
I think best friends forever
is a childhood lie.
And all of this came about because,
surprise, surprise, a friend breakup.
And my therapist has kind of assured me
that the process of friendships, of relationships,
of being a human being
interacting with other human beings
is the process of figuring out
what does and does not work for us.
It takes time to find our people.
And as we grow into adulthood,
we realize our tribe
is probably gonna be pretty small.
Now she gave me three questions
you can ask yourself
when you're evaluating who is a real friend.
I'm sorry to make you wait
until the end of this video,
but your girl's gotta improve her watch time, you know?
One, how does my body respond to this person?
Aside from regular social anxiety,
do you feel excitement, love, safe, joy?
Your central nervous system
is gonna tell you so much more
than your annoying brain can.
Two, how much can you be your authentic self?
Do you have to filter yourself?
Do you feel like you have to walk on eggshells?
Or do you feel free to showcase
who you are at your core?
And three, if you ask this person for feedback,
can they be respectfully and lovingly honest?
I think this is one of the most
important aspects of friendships for me.
You know, I want someone who can call me on my shit,
but I also want them to do it in,
like, a loving non-judgemental way
'cause I got a lot of stuff to call out.
You know, I do want to improve.
I want to know what I'm doing wrong
'cause sometimes when you're so
caught up in your reality,
you don't have any clarity on the situation.
And most importantly,
I want to know when I've hurt someone's feelings
so that I can adjust my behavior accordingly.
I'm Anna Akana
and thank you to the patrons who supported this video.
And I'm very excited
that I've teamed up with Audible for today's episode.
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I just listened to "Text Me When You Get Home:
"The Evolution and Triumph of Modern Female Friendship"
and, wow, I loved this audiobook.
It covered so many interesting points of view
when it came specifically to female friendships.
The inherent competitiveness
that can sometimes happen.
The insecurity, the jealousy,
the misguided feelings brought on
by your internalized misogyny.
It was just an enlightening, amazing audiobook.
You can listen to "Text Me When You Get Home"
and more by going to audible.com/anna
or text ANNA to 500-500, bye.