Are you too nice? Stay tuned. This is Damon
Cart from NLP Gym. Become more assertive
with this simple NLP technique if you
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are you shy and unwilling to assert
yourself especially in crucial moments
in situations where you really want
something we've all been there
your normal how though is normal working
out for you actually hasn't worked out
for me that well it seems like the more
I let go of what other people think
about me the more I get what I want
the more I the more assertive I become
this is not to say that what other
people think of you is not important it
is important to an extent to care what
other people think about you
I'm not recommending that you become an
asshole or that you become antisocial
and that you just not care about
people and their feelings not at all if
you're limiting yourself from getting
what you want because you're concerned
about what other people think of you and
what you want doesn't hurt anyone
it's time to change the way that you
think about this what is stopping you
people often tell you that you're a nice
person and you're afraid that if you
assert yourself that you might shatter
their expectations and shattered their
image of you if so know that other
people's image of your and expectations
of you are not serving it may serve them
and make them feel good to know what
category or and it gives them some sort
of sense of security but it's not
serving here it's only limiting there's
nothing wrong with being nice however
are you using nice to try to get what
you want and how well is that work
because if you're using nice to get what
you want then it's nice with an agenda
and that's not really being nice that's
not really being authentic you're using
nice as a strategy and if it's not
working then what's the point
instead of using nice as a strategy to
get what you want
what would it be like for you to be
assertive would be like for you to be up
front
honest and unapologetic about what you
want this doesn't mean being rude
it just means exactly that up front
honest and unapologetic I know what will
happen to you
it's what i do and that is when you
assert yourself that way actually people
respect you a lot for it and it relieves
a lot of social tension there because
they know what your agenda is it's not
like you're trying to use something else
indirectly to get your agenda
have you ever been in a situation where
somebody is being really nice to you at
the same time you feel like they want
something from you that feels miserable
all this tension builds up because
you're afraid they're gonna ask you for
something because there being some nice
and you're very well socially calibrated
person that you won't be able to say no
to them and that doesn't feel good
you're going to want to try to get away
from that person are you that person
when you think of situations where you
want to be more assertive ask yourself
what is your intent in that situation
what is it that you want once you elicit
that you're very clear about that
ask yourself what is important about
that and see what higher-level answer
you get and I would say do that at least
three levels asking yourself what is
important about that what is important
about that for example say there's a
situation where i see an attractive
woman and I want to meet her she looks
interesting to me what is my intent
there will initially I want to meet this
woman she's very attractive
what's important about that what's
important about that is i'm curious
about her and I want to satisfy my
curiosity I want to know more about her
what's important about that I want to
make a connection with this person
what's important about that i want to
make lots of connections with lots of
interesting people
so you see what I mean you can just keep
going ratcheting this up higher you
don't have to stop at three levels but i
would say at least go three levels it
very clear about what you want in this
situation then started checking in with
multiple strategies that you can use
multiple assertive strategies so take
the nice strategy and just throw it out
for now and think of three possible
strategies that would serve you and
and.and likely realistically get you
what you want and these are strategies
that you would use that realistically
would work for these situations and that
you feel comfortable doing so my intent
is to make a connection with people then
what are some possible strategies and I
can use to do that maybe just speaking
my what my intentions right up front
that's it that's a great strategy come
up with at least three and make movies
of these strategies see the movie of you
in this situation knowing what your
intent is with this particular strategy
watch the movie does not work for you
does that is a realistic is that will
you do that then step into the movie
associate into it as if you're living
that experience and run through that
strategy that way and check in with
yourself does this feel right does it
feel okay will I do this then step back
out of the movie and watch it again and
see if you need to tune up at all do
this with all three strategies reverse
these movies several times until you've
tuned them of tweak them and edit it
down so that these are strategies you
will actually do to serve that intent
whatever it is in that situation be nice
but throw out nice as a strategy be nice
because you're a nice person and I'm
sure your people will appreciate you
more for that letting people walk all
over you is not being nice
pandering the people are being nice to
people to pander to them to get what you
want is not being nice
the clear you are about what you want in
any given situation the more you're
naturally going to gravitate toward that
when you have pre rehearsed strategies
at least three in each one of these
situations you have just cleared the
path to getting what you want and you
will cultivate more assertiveness that
will generalize to many areas of your
life
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