- It's so fascinating to me how much time and energy
and focus we will spend on trying to find our person,
find that special someone,
and how little time and energy
we will put on learning relationship skill sets,
when at the end of the day, it's the relationship skills
that make or break relationships.
So today I'm bringing you five
of the most powerful relationship skill sets
that you can bring
that will make your relationship stand the test of time.
Check it out.
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Hey there, my name is Mat Boggs and I am the founder
of our love and relationships division
here at the Brave Thinking Institute,
where our mission is empowering people
to create and live lives they love,
and that includes your love life.
So if you enjoy this video,
I encourage you to click that subscribe button
and click the bell,
because every week we bring you videos
to empower you in your love life.
And today I'm bringing you five relationship principles,
skill sets that you can use
to help your relationship stand the test of time
and turn it into your lifelong love story.
And each one of these principles starts with a C.
And so my team manager and I,
she said, "You know what?
These are the five C's for relationship ease."
And I said, "I like that, let's use that."
So today we are sharing with you the five Cs
of relationship ease.
So let's begin.
The first C is communication.
And you probably know this, I knew this or knew about this
when I first started my relationship.
But when interviewing America's greatest marriages
it's really important,
the difference between knowing something
and knowing about something.
See, everyone will say that communication
is important in a relationship.
Even people who are bad communicators,
who are horrible at communicating,
they know communication is important.
So we're gonna talk about a couple of unique twists here,
ways to communicate that can really support you.
The first one here in this first principle of communication
is to recognize that your partner is not a mindreader.
And so before you blow up at something,
tell them what's going on while it's bubbling up for you
before you actually explode.
It's called "shovel while the pile is small".
My wife and I have this agreement and she is great.
If I accidentally leave cans out, you know,
I've got my drinks that I like, if I leave a can out,
instead of actually putting it away
and then she's picking it up, she'll do it a couple times,
but if she notices that that next time she's like,
"No, no, he's gotta be putting these away,"
she'll bring it to my attention
before it becomes a major issue.
Most people sweep things under the carpet.
They're like, no, put it down.
It's not worth talking about it,
and they don't wanna rock the boat,
until it becomes this huge explosion.
So know this: your partner cannot read your mind,
you cannot read your partner's mind,
so bring things to the surface
by shoveling while the pile is small.
So number one is good communication.
Number two is conflict resolution skills.
Inevitably, there will be a moment
when the two of you butt heads.
Inevitably, there will be something that one of you does
that the other person completely disagrees with
or is not okay,
and so you wanna be able to resolve that conflict.
The quality and longevity of your relationship
depends upon your conflict resolution skills.
So in "Manifest Your Man",
we teach a process that I learned from my mentor,
his name's Gay Hendricks,
and it's called The Sweaty 10 Minute Conversation.
And I'll just give you a brief rundown of it right here,
but you can use this in and of itself,
if you want really great communication skills,
conflict resolution skills to empower your relationship.
Go ahead and check out the link below
to the Manifest Your Man program.
It not only teaches you how to attract the man in your life,
but how to create a beautiful foundation
for the longstanding relationship that you want.
So click that link, check out that program,
I think you're gonna love it.
So here is the formula
for The Sweaty 10 Minute Conversation.
The formula is number one, state what you see,
two, state how you feel, and three, state what you want.
And so here's how it works.
There was a particular situation that came up recently
with a coaching client,
where the two of them they were dating,
they went over to her folks' house,
and the guy was hands off, like he wasn't affectionate.
He didn't have his arm around her or hold her hand
the way he normally is in public
or when they're just hanging out.
And then when they were leaving her parents' house,
she felt rejected, she felt hurt,
she felt like, what was going on?
And so instead of blowing up at him saying,
"You don't love me.
Why are you treating me this way at my folks' house,
and you're treating me another way,
and getting all upset about it,"
she said, "Hey, can I have a sweaty 10 minute conversation
with you?"
That let him know right there,
okay, we wanna resolve something.
And she goes, "I noticed at my mom's house
you didn't hug me, you didn't kiss me,
you didn't hold my hand, you didn't do any of that stuff,
and I felt sad in that moment.
I felt like, wow, I really wanted you to to hold my hand."
Now, in all fairness,
she could have shoveled while the pile was small
at the mom's house and said something,
but she missed that opportunity.
So the next best thing
is bring it up the moment you noticed.
So she said, "Here's what I see.
You didn't hold my hand."
Here's how I feel.
I felt sad, I felt rejected.
I felt like I was really missing out."
And then, what do you want?
And this is the most important piece,
because often when we're communicating,
people will just dump, you did this bad,
you made me feel bad,
and they won't ever go to a resolution.
What would make it right?
And so she said, "Hey, when we go to my parents' house,
I want you to know it's okay to connect with me.
It's okay to kiss me and hug me,
like my parents are okay with that."
And he let out a big sigh of relief,
and he's like, "Hey babe, I'm sorry that I didn't hug you
or that I didn't kiss you.
I didn't really know what was appropriate
over at your parents' house.
I didn't want to offend your mom.
I know we're grown.
It's sort of a silly thing to say,
but I just kind of noticed
that energy of uncertainty raise up in me,
so I was kinda looking to you to take the lead on that."
And so since neither one of them took the lead,
they didn't connect.
And he said, "I am more than happy to hug you, kiss you,
snuggle you wherever we go."
And so what could have turned out as a big conflict
actually became smooth,
because they were both able to talk about it
in a really healthy way.
So that is the sweaty 10 minute conversation,
which is step number two, conflict resolution skills.
The third C is compromise.
This is gonna come up in a long term relationship.
There are gonna be moments when you both give to one another
in order to have a higher outcome that you both can enjoy.
Just recently I experienced this.
We went on a family vacation
where we met up with a bunch of friends.
There were 51 of us all together,
and one particular night we're staying in a house
with my best friend Jason,
and Jason and I love pickleball and we're super competitive.
And so the night before,
like I had beat him or he'd beat me, I can't remember,
but the next night we wanted that rematch.
And so it was right before dinner,
we had come back from a day being out,
and Jason grabbed the pickleball paddles,
and he's like, "Hey let's go play pickleball."
And I grabbed him, we were about to bounce out of the house,
and then I waited and I went, uh-oh, like we got dinner,
we gotta feed the kids, give the kids baths, put them down,
and so I came to Irene, my wife, and I said,
"Hey babe, can we make a compromise,
cause I really want to do pickleball with Jason.
The sun's going down, we've only got an hour.
If I can go to pickleball,
I know we gotta put the kids down, give them dinner,
and all of that.
What can I do to support you,
so that I can go and have this pickleball time,
cause you and I are a team."
And it was great.
And she was like, "You know what?
We bought those steaks, I don't want 'em to go bad,
if you could barbecue the steaks for 10 minutes,
I got dinner, you put the kids in the bath, we're all good."
And I'm like, "Deal."
I barbecue the steaks, we went off,
had an amazing pickleball tournament,
came back, she was happy, I was happy,
it was a beautiful compromise.
But keeping each other in one another's mind to say,
hey, there's an outcome.
I wanna go out tonight, you wanna stay in tonight,
how can we both get served with what we want?
Being able to voice what you want
from your own authentic position
is the key to starting compromise.
So many times, we guess what the other person wants.
We don't voice what we want,
we just do what we think they want,
and then we expect them to do the same for us.
Way better, just state your authentic desire,
and then have a conversation
about how you can create a win-win.
So number three is compromise.
And when you bring compromise into the mix,
it really helps things go smoother.
Number four is connection,
and I will call it prioritizing connection,
because after the newness of the relationship has worn off,
the day to day grind of daily life kicks in.
And if you're not careful,
the relationship can become rote, it can become routine,
it can become something where you feel disconnected.
So how do the two of you feel connection?
Well, a great place to start is with a book
called "The Five Love Languages".
In fact, you can take a quiz
to find out what your love language is.
And what's beautiful about this book
is it talks about how each of us have our own way
that we experience love,
where when this thing happens,
we actually feel more loved than in other circumstances,
and there's five of 'em.
There's words of affirmation, there's quality time,
acts of service, physical touch, and gifts.
And so you can actually go on and take a quiz
and find out what your partner's primary love language is.
I did this recently with my wife
because it changes over the years,
it can change and evolve,
and found out that hers is gifts.
And gifts for me is super low,
but words of affirmation is really high.
And so what's fascinating
is I constantly tell her words of affirmation,
how amazing she is and how much I love her,
how beautiful she is,
rarely give her gifts if it isn't outside her birthday,
a birthing day, Mother's Day,
things like that's when I'll give gifts.
And so taking this quiz was really, really interesting,
because now I know, oh, if I wanna connect with her
in a way that she experiences love, it's me going out
getting something small but meaningful as a surprise
and bringing her that gift.
So how does your partner receive love?
Take that quiz, find out,
and then prioritize fueling love into each other
in those particular ways on a weekly basis.
And the fifth C for relationship ease here
that creates a long lasting relationship is character.
Now there's a lot that goes into character,
but I'll give you one nuance
that most people don't think about,
and that is that your partner's happiness
is not your responsibility,
and your happiness is not their responsibility.
And here's why this is so hard to do.
When I was first learning this,
one of my mentors, one of my coaches,
my wife was going through a tough time, and she wasn't,
she was in a a dark place and she was sad
and she wasn't feeling good,
and I took that on like,
what can I do to help her feel happier?
And my own state was getting discouraged and feeling sad,
and my coach told me, he said,
"Mat, your wife's happiness is not your responsibility."
If we try to manage somebody else's emotions,
if we try to manage somebody else's experience,
number one, it's exhausting, and number two, we will fail
because you can't control how somebody else feels.
They're the only ones who have full responsibility
for how they respond to life,
how they're creating their own experience.
You can contribute and help,
but you cannot take on responsibility.
The challenge is I love her and I want her to feel great.
I want her to feel better.
So when you love your partner,
you want them to feel great or feel better
knowing that you can support them,
but you are not responsible for them.
That is a freeing feeling.
But at the same time, you are responsible for yourself.
So instead of waiting for your partner
to do something that fills your cup,
waiting for your partner to make you happy, so to speak,
waiting for your partner to do something loving,
instead, love yourself up.
See, great relationships aren't two halves coming together,
but it's two wholes.
It's two people, full people coming together
creating a beautiful experience together.
So on a daily basis, ask yourself this question,
hmm, what do I need right now
that would help me feel more at peace and more loved?
What do I need that could help me feel more peace and love?
And it might be, you know,
I need a break, I need a walk, I need a meditate,
I need to go for a run or an exercise.
You can help take care of your own needs, your partner will,
and then the two of you as two wholes are coming together,
pouring into each other.
That creates a way more solid,
long lasting beautiful experience for both of you.
So there you have it, the five Cs for relationship ease
that lead to a long lasting connection.
My question for you is,
what have you found to be the best relationship tool,
skill set, or advice that helps you
create a long lasting relationship?
Go ahead and post that in the comment section below,
and know this, I appreciate you.
This is in service of your amazing love life.
Thanks for watching.
I'll see you soon.
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