I'm so glad to be here in Chicago
all the way from Mississippi.
We have nice racists in Mississippi.
You don't know how to read them all the time.
Like, after one show, this man came up to me -- this white man,
and he was like, "You are one funny [bleep] woman.
You know that?"
I was flattered, but I was offended, you know?
I didn't know what to say. I said, "Well, thank you,
you horse-faced honky. I appreciate it."
You have a good day, o-KKK?"
He ain't like that [bleep] He ain't like that [bleep]
I am single,
and by single, I mean divorced.
That's right. I've been divorced
for about, mm, like five years now,
and it's interesting,
'cause a lot of people don't know I was married
'cause it was such a short marriage.
I'm-a tell y'all something. Short marriages suck.
They really do, 'cause when you get divorced,
you don't have nothing of value to split, you know?
Like, you think about people who get divorced
after they've been together for a while,
they split big stuff like cars and land and kids.
You know, me and my ex-husband,
we were splitting [bleep] like salt and pepper, you know?
Peanut butter, jelly.
He got the iron. I got the board.
But, you know, after you been divorced for a while,
you had time to think about it.
Like, you know, what happened? What went wrong?
And a lot of stuff went wrong for us
that led up to our divorce.
One of the things was my then-husband,
he told me that I was getting too skinny.
He wasn't attracted to me no more
and that I needed to gain weight,
and I was like, "Man, he just hating.
I'm not that skinny. I'm thick."
You know, typical delusional woman [bleep]
I was like, "I'm thick," you know?
And then stuff started happening
to make me feel like maybe I am skinny, you know?
So, like, one day, I was at the doctor's office,
and don't y'all know this man came in the room,
picked me up by my underarms and sat me on the table,
looked me dead in my eyes,
said, "What can I do for you, little girl?"
"You can put me down, 'cause I'm a grown-ass woman.
That's what you can do.
And take this balloon off my wrist, 'cause it's too tight.
That's what you can do."
So that was one red flag that maybe I am skinny,
and then something else even worse than that happened.
I was traveling at the airport, and I went in the bathroom,
and you know at the airport,
they got them fancy automatic toilets, you know?
So I was doing my thing, you know, and I finished up,
and I was waiting on the toilet to flush.
A few seconds pass by.
It still didn't flush. You want to know why?
'Cause I'm so skinny, the toilet didn't detect an ass.
It didn't sense no booty meat.
Now, the woman next to me must've had a big ass,
'cause hers was flushing the whole time.
[ Imitating toilet flushing ]
But mine wasn't doing [bleep]
so I had to twerk over my toilet just a little bit
just to get it to flush.
Said, "[Bleep] I am skinny.
He was right." I got mad.
I went home and started a argument, you know?
That's another reason our marriage didn't last,
'cause we were arguing. We couldn't get along.
And I told my mama. I said, "Look, we argue, Ma.
I don't know what to do."
"Baby, all y'all got to do is go out of town and reconnect,
and you ain't gonna argue no more."
And the lie-detector test determined that's a lie.
Problems have passports.
They travel with you, you know?
[Bleep] I remember being home that night,
and I was snapping on his ass.
I was like, "Why you be liking all these hoes' pictures
on Instagram," you know?
And we went out of town, made it to Mexico, same thing.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
"...Instagram?"
[Bleep] thought I was crazy.
But the icing on the cake was after a while of being married,
my ex-husband realized that I was a tomboy,
and, you know, that's not good for him,
because tomboys don't do certain things well, like phone sex.
Before him, I had never had phone sex with anybody,
but I tried.
So, he was out of town, and he called me.
"R-r-ring." That's the phone-sex ring.
"R-r-ring."
He said, "Hey, baby."
My voice deep, too. I said, "Hey, baby."
"Is it a echo?" "Unh-unh."
"Tell Big Daddy what you doing."
"Man...
watching the game, throwing back a six-pack.
What up?"
He's like, "Okay, okay.
Well, tell Big Daddy what you got on."
"Man...
a skull cap, a t-shirt,
sweatpants, and some J's.
How you like the sound of that, Big Daddy?
[ Laughter ]
He never did call back,
and that was the end of my marriage, alright?
That's my time. I'm Rita Brent. Thank you!