-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."
♪♪ Oh! My name is Jimmy Fallon.
♪♪ Give it up for The Roots!
♪♪ I gotcha!
Let's get to the news.
[ Cymbal crashes ]
-Now I'm gonna get it. [ Laughter ]
-Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, the Democratic convention is over.
Yep, after four nights, a message finally popped up
that said, "Your Zoom session has expired."
But everyone is still talking about
President Obama's big speech.
He did not hold back. Watch this.
-Donald Trump hasn't grown into the job because he can't.
I did hope, for the sake of our country,
that Donald Trump might show some interest
in taking the job seriously,
that he might come to feel the weight of the office
and discover some reverence for the democracy
that had been placed in his care, but he never did.
He has shown no interest in putting in the work,
no interest in treating the presidency as anything
but one more reality show that he can use
to get the attention he craves.
-Ouch! Obama might have quit cigarettes,
but he's still smokin'.
Trump's phone heard that and was like,
"Oh, boy, it's going to be a long night.
Alright. Can someone throw me in the toilet, something?"
Man, it's like Michelle hit Trump with the
"it is what it is" clothesline,
and then Barack finished him off with an elbow from the top rope.
That's right -- Obama broke an unwritten rule about
former U.S. presidents not attacking
a current U.S. president.
Obama was like, "Oh, come on.
I didn't say anything about Vladimir Putin."
That's right -- Obama went all out and said,
"Trump hasn't grown because he can't."
Meanwhile, Trump heard that and was like, "Wrong.
I took a pill that makes me grow just fine."
Obama also accused Trump of not taking the job seriously.
At that point, Trump was so mad, he could barely sink his putt
into an empty Pringles can.
Then Obama accused Trump of turning his presidency
into a reality show.
Trump was like, "Wrong again.
Now send five people into my office
so I can decide to who fire."
Meanwhile, during Obama's speech,
Trump started live-tweeting in all-caps.
By the end of the night, the imprint of Trump's phone
was burned into his hand like the bad guy from
"Raiders of the Lost Ark."
It's like...
But, as I said, after four days,
the Democratic convention wrapped up tonight.
They knew it was time to end the convention
when the calamari finally went bad.
The theme of the night was "America's Promise,"
which I'm pretty sure was taken from a supermarket brand
of butter and cheese.
[ Light laughter ]
"Do you want to get the -- Should we get the Kraft Singles
or do you want to get America's Promise?"
Also, somehow, America's Promise sounds like
an adult-diaper brand started by Mike Pence.
"That's why I use America's Promise.
Make the promise to --"
Here's the big story today.
Another one of President Trump's close associates got indicted.
Let's see who it is!
-Former Trump campaign senior adviser Steve Bannon
has been arrested and charged with fraud
by federal prosecutors in New York.
He and three others are accused of orchestrating a scheme
to defraud donors out of hundreds of thousands of dollars
that the donors thought were all going to help fund
the president's border wall.
-Yep, Steve Bannon was arrested and placed in the
Trump's "well-wishes" section of the prison.
That's right -- another Trump associate is going to prison.
At this point, The White House softball team
and the prison softball team have the exact same lineup.
I don't know. Maybe these charges are nothing.
I mean, does Steve Bannon look guilty to you?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He definitely does.
Oh, just so you know, by the way,
that's how he looked before he got arrested.
He looks like someone you'd find sleeping
in the bathroom stall at Margaritaville.
He looks likes an unemployed Martha Washington impersonator.
He looks like a guy who yells at Little Leaguers
when he doesn't have a kid on the team.
He looks like every composite photo of what Elvis
would look like if he were alive today.
Can we see the picture again?
He looks like every guy who has ever tried
to sell me a Jacuzzi.
He looks like every guy at the hotel hot tub
who sits way too close to your wife.
He looks like every man who has ever
walked into a Ferrari dealership.
He looks like his home address
is the swim-up bar at the mirage.
[ Laughter ]
That's the one. Come on. -No.
-That's the one.
Well, guys, here's some good news.
Out in Colorado, you can now buy weed out of a vending machine.
Take a look at this.
And you think you freak out when your Kit Kat
gets stuck in the machine.
"Oh, come on man! I need that Purple Twilight!"
And, finally, a group of...
I don't know my weed names at all.
-Eh, you're good. -That sounds like one.
-I've never heard of Purple Twilight.
-Oh, then you never heard of anything, man!
[ Laughter ]
You got your Purple Twilight.
You got your O.G. Kush, you know?
You got your, you know, Spanxgiving."
Finally, a group of researchers in Finland
said that they've discovered a cure for hangovers.
Everyone was like, "Yeah,
there's already been a hangover cure.
It's called more booze."
Actually, good news -- they just tested it out on Steve Bannon,
and look at him now.
We have great show for you tonight.