Translator: Paula Motter Reviewer: Analia Padin
How many people in the room today are parents,
or planning on becoming parents in the future?
Quite a lot of you.
Now, imagine for a moment that in three to six months' time
you're going to have your first baby.
What sort of parent do you aspire to be?
What do you want for your child?
You might want your child to be intelligent, well-educated,
popular perhaps, or sporty.
But most of all, you probably want your child to be happy.
Now, in our modern-day parenting culture,
this usually equates to the child being successful in order to be happy.
And in order for your child to accomplish this,
you're going to try and give them the best start in life
and be the perfect parent.
Now, there's an assumption that children need and deserve
all the time, money and attention a parent can humanly provide
in order to give them a competitive head start.
And this has become culturally ingrained.
I've heard about the "Matka Polka" tradition here in Poland
of the mother, and presumably in progressive families, the father too,
sacrificing themselves for their kids and their family.
So I think this might be relevant to you guys here today.
Now, the idea I want to share,
along with my co-author, Rina Mae Acosta,
is that putting all your energy and attention into aiming for perfection
is not the best approach.
Not for you, and not for your child.
This is not an obvious idea at all.
So we want to explain why
and tell you how our life experiences show this to be true.
Being a great parent
does not have to be about being the best,
about winning the competition of life.
And it's not necessarily a good thing
to overthink parenting or over research it.
A more relaxed approach can take the stress out of parenting,
as we discovered when we moved to another country.
Now, who are we?
How come I'm here, on stage, telling you not to be the best parent you can be,
that less parenting is more,
that overthinking things can damage you and your child,
that there's a danger in trying too hard?
I'm Michele Hutchison. I'm a British editor and translator.
I married a Dutchman
and moved to the Netherlands in 2004.
I was 37 weeks pregnant with my first child,
and he is now a strapping young man who will be turning 14 soon.
My second is a very sporty daughter, and she is 11.
And I shall describe both my kids as happy.
Now let's have Rina introduce herself on film.
(Video) Hi! I'm Rina Mae Acosta,
a San Francisco native who fell in love with a Dutch boy.
We decided to get married, settle in Holland
and are now the proud parents of two boys, ages six and almost three,
and are looking forward to baby number three this coming fall.
Michele and I independently came to realize
that Holland had a very liberating approach to raising children
that was quite different
from what our friends and family in the UK and US were experiencing.
The Dutch approach towards parenting was actually a breath of fresh air.
In Holland, there seemed to be a lot less anxiety,
and a much more relaxed environment.
The parents all around us seemed happy
and as the saying goes: "Happy parents usually have happy kids."
But don't get the wrong idea.
It certainly isn't an "anything-goes" parenting approach.
Rather, it's a pragmatic, understanding and reasonable way
of teaching and loving children,
the right balance between hovering and keeping a distance.
Studies compiled by Unicef in 2007 and 2013
rated Dutch kids as the happiest in the world.
Dutch kids were ahead of their peers in childhood well-being
compared to 29 of the world's richest industrialized countries.
And, when we talk about the happiest kids in the world, we're describing children
who are self-aware, responsible, confident,
have healthy relationships with their family, friends and peers,
and are able to find their place in the world.
And when it came to Dutch children rating their own happiness levels,
over 95 % of them counted themselves happy on the life-satisfaction scale.
So I decided to blog about it, titling the post:
"The 8 secrets of Dutch kids, the happiest kids in the world."
I had no idea that people would actually read it.
After all, I was just another mommy blogger.
But something about it resonated deeply with lots of people around the world.
The blog attracted the attention of a publisher,
the very one Michele left to raise her children in Amsterdam,
and we found ourselves co-writing "The Happiest Kids in the World."
It came out last year and attracted a storm of media.
Rights were sold to more than 12 countries,
including Poland, where it was published a couple months ago.
Now, the norm in Holland is for simplicity.
To the pragmatic family-orientated Dutch,
it makes absolute sense to ensure that children grow up happy.
They maintain a healthy attitude towards their kids,
seeing them as individuals rather than extensions of themselves.
Dutch parents have consciously clung on to the kind of childhood most of us had,
and are recreating it for their own children.
Compared to the rest of the world, where hyperaware parenting is the norm,
Dutch kids relish in relatively unlimited freedom,
riding their bikes to school
playing on the streets, visiting friends after school,
all without the supervision of their parents.
(Applause)
M. Hutchison: Now, all that freedom she describes,
it sounds familiar, doesn't it?
And yes, many of us grew up that way.
So why can't we recreate this for our kids?
These ideas aren't uniquely Dutch at all.
Many of us would love to implement them
if we weren't so worried about what other parents would think.
Now, let me describe five key features of the Dutch approach to family life.
One: Dutch kids play outside unsupervised.
Playing outside unsupervised.
Well, why not?
Fear.
Fear has become so dominant in contemporary society
that many parents no longer dare to leave their kids unsupervised.
They hover over them all the time, picking them up when they fall down.
It's, of course, natural and terrifying
to imagine your child being attacked, abducted
or worse.
Believe me, any normal parent has these fears.
Dutch parents taught me that it's completely normal.
The trick is to let go of the unrealistic fears.
Independent play is in the child's best interest.
And my kids played outside in the park opposite our house from a very young age.
I'd watch them surreptitiously through the window,
and gradually lengthened the leash as they grew older.
According to UNICEF, children in the Netherlands
are no less safe than anywhere else in Europe.
They're no more likely to be abducted because of unsupervised play.
Children don't pay the price for the freedom their parents allow them.
Two: Dutch kids bike in the rain.
Well, cycling in the rain isn't nice, is it?
But in Holland it is totally normal. No one thinks twice about it.
When I moved to Amsterdam, one of the first things I got was a bike.
Bikes are almost compulsory in our flat country,
where there are literally more bikes than people.
Children start cycling at an earlier age,
around four years old, when they start school.
Parents teach them to cycle safely
and don't worry about them cycling on their own
from about the age of nine or so.
There's a good network of cycle paths
like you're trying to create here in Poland.
And rain gear is all you need to cope with the terrible weather.
It rains a lot in Holland.
In terms of getting your kids out there,
it's true they need a push at the start, when they're very young.
Any kid would rather be chauffeur-driven, but it just becomes normal to cycle.
And soon they stop asking and just get on with it.
Research has shown that cycling in all weathers
makes children more resilient,
and people who are more resilient
are happier.
I've just got back from a holiday in London with my daughter
and she constantly missed the convenience of her bike.
They're really good for impatient children
because you can just get on and go.
Three: Dutch families spend more time together.
A good work-life balance is not unattainable.
The Dutch fought for and attained a work-life balance
that many parents would be envious of.
According to latest statistics, the Dutch work, on average, 32 hours a week,
which is the lowest in the world, aside from Rwanda.
Yet they are efficient: they ranked 7th in terms of productivity per capita.
We're not talking about a country that's poor but happy.
However, there is less need for status symbols,
and we attribute some of the happiness
to the lack of materialism in Dutch families.
Holland is a high-achieving country that fosters creativity.
Just look up the list of Dutch inventions on Wikipedia.
It's longer than your arm.
Recent inventions include Blu-ray and Wi-Fi,
and more older ones apparently include the stock exchange,
the orange carrot
and the plastic bicycle mudguard.
The only part of the bicycle invented by the Dutch was invented by a woman:
Willemine van der Woerd, who also invented all kinds of other useful accessories.
Now, since they're working less,
many mothers and fathers dedicate one day a week, or more,
to simply spending time with their children,
and they pencil in time for themselves, too.
In Holland, as I discovered when I got an office job there,
it is totally acceptable to leave work at 5 p.m. to go home to your kids.
Simple time together is more important than squeezing every important experience
into so-called "quality time."
And another key thing to remember is that happy parents have happy kids.
As Rina told us, parents look after themselves
and these parents are great role models for their own children for the future.
Four: Under 10's have much less or no homework, and more leisure time.
So, my Dutch kids, these guys here,
had actually no homework at primary school.
Not having academic pressure or homework
gave my children plenty of time to do sports, hobbies and play outdoors,
which is that great Dutch trick for getting children off the iPad.
In Holland, it's more important to enjoy school than to get ahead at school.
Parents and teachers believe in letting kids grow up at their own pace.
There is less pressure to excel or compete with other children
to be top of the class.
After primary school, instead of getting homework,
children play at after-school clubs,
set up their own playdates or cycle off to their sports and hobbies.
Five: Dutch parents have open,
honest conversations with their children about sex.
So we're talking about sex education that avoids creating taboos.
Dutch parents love open, honest conversations.
They talk with their children about sex as soon as they ask,
matching their explanations to suit how much the child can understand.
By teaching their children about intimacy, sex and boundaries from an early age,
they raise children who not only lose their virginity later
than in more sexually conservative countries,
but are more likely to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases,
like chlamydia and gonorrhea.
So this openness is actually a way of protecting children.
Here is Rina's son and her pregnant belly.
How many people here would be completely at ease
if their child asked where the babies come from?
In Holland it's not embarrassing to answer questions like this.
We just do it in a relaxed way.
And knowledge about reproduction, sexuality and intimacy
empowers children to set their own boundaries later.
And last but not least:
Dutch kids eat chocolate sprinkles on bread for breakfast.
OK, that's tip number six. It's an extra free tip.
But, anyway, don't sweat the healthy eating in the morning.
It's more important to go to school on a full stomach.
And the Dutch have some of the lowest obesity levels in Europe.
Now, for obvious reasons, we can't all move to Holland.
But many of the features of Dutch life can be replicated.
Of course some things are harder than others
and will need to be addressed on a national level.
For example, shorter working hours,
unless you're a manager, then, hey, go ahead,
and send everyone home at 5 p.m. tomorrow.
It's also hard to reduce homework at primary school
or build safe cycling lanes.
Other things require local cooperation, like creating safe communities
where kids can play unsupervised,
and any parent watching looks out for all the kids, not just their own.
Now, this is my home street,
and this shared community life is typical of Holland.
But here are some things that you, as an individual,
can adopt today, or in the future, when you become a parent.
The Dutch aren't doing parenting better so much as they're doing less of it.
They're less hands-on, as it were.
So stop doing everything for your children.
Let them play outside alone.
Independence leads to self-confidence,
which develops self-worth and manifests as happiness.
Allow your children to make mistakes and learn from them.
Only then can they build up resilience,
the ability to face and overcome challenges.
Dutch parents let go of what they think their children are supposed to be
and give them the chance to develop into independent, confident,
self-sufficient beings.
Rein in the pervasive, crippling anxiety and our shared delusion
that we can curate and control every last detail of our children's lives.
We're not advocating taking crazy risks.
Note that the children here have safety belts on.
But, although it's a metaphor, a nervous parent might deny these kids
the pleasure, excitement and a valuable opportunity to learn about balance.
Learn form the Dutch word "relativeren,"
which means "putting things in perspective."
Rather than worrying about all the horrible things
that can possibly happen,
teach and equip children with important skills,
such as knowing how to swim, how to follow traffic rules
and being vocal about personal boundaries.
And let's hear from Rina again.
(Video) Hi. It's me, Rina Mae again.
There really is another kinder and more pragmatic way of parenting.
And we'll leave you with this:
Yes, parenting really can be both joyful and fun
if you allow yourself to relax a bit more
and allow your children more freedoms.
The less you do for your kids, the more they do for themselves
and the more empowered they will become.
Empower them early in age-appropriate ways to do things for themselves,
and allow them room to fail.
This enables them to learn how to cope and become more resilient.
The Dutch approach to parenting
helped me to become a more confident, relaxed mother.
Parenting is still a lot of work and oftentimes thankless,
but if we start coming from a more honest, forgiving place,
and allow ourselves to start enjoying parenthood
and embrace the messiness of life with a bit more Dutch pragmatism,
we and our children will be a whole lot happier.
M.H.: These ideas are vitally relevant to parents, not just in Holland,
not just to us, and not just in Poland, but to all parents everywhere,
and to everyone who may be planning on becoming a parent in the future.
Note that the Dutch approach actually makes raising children less daunting.
My closing words to TEDxKazimierz are these:
Do less, stress less.
Give your children the space and freedom to learn through play.
Let them learn through making mistakes,
through falling down and getting back up again on their own.
Don't protect children form risk,
but prepare them to face the world as it is.
And keep an honest, open conversation going.
Learn form the Dutch, just as we did.
We built our family lives in Poland... in Holland
in a way we felt was a bit saner and more practical
for us and our children.
We want as many people as possible
to take something away from the Dutch approach to family life,
to be happier parents with happier kids
all over the world.
Thank you.
(Applause)