♪♪
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
SAY HI TO JON.
YOU SOUNDED GOOD.
♪ ♪ ♪ GOOD TO SEE YOU.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: WE TALKED ABOUT VOTING LAST NIGHT.
WE TALKED ABOUT VOTING LAST NIGHT.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: BUT NEVER A BAD TIME TALKING ABOUT VOTING.
HAVE YOU DECIDED WHEN AND WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO VOTE?
>> Jon: I'M VOTING THIS SATURDAY.
I'M GETTING OUT THERE, MAN, EARLY IN NEW YORK CITY.
AND I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH "BETTER KNOW A BALLOT."
WE HAVE TO GET THAT OUT THERE, MAN.
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT WE WERE TALKING.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU CAN TRACK A BALLOT.
I FOUND OUT FROM THE CRACK TEAM AT "BETTER KNOW A BALLOT."
YOU CAN GO TO "BETTER KNOW A BALLOT" AND YOU CAN FIND OUT IF
AND WHEN EARLY VOTING STARTS IN YOUR STATE, FIND OUT WHERE YOU
CAN VOTE IN YOUR TOWN OR YOUR COUNTY.
YOU CAN FIND OFFICIAL DROP BOXES NEAR YOU.
YOU CAN TRACK YOUR BALLOT.
ALL THAT AT "BETTERKNOWA BALLOT.COM AND YOU CAN FIND OUT
WHERE TO VOTE ON ELECTION DAY IF YOU DON'T WANT TO VOTE EARLY OR
BY MAIL.
WHICH I GET.
THERE'S SOMETHING EXCITING ABOUT GOING ON THE DAY OF.
>> Jon: GOING ON THE DATE OF IS SUCH A RITUAL, WE GO THERE
AND STAND AND STAY AND PACK LUNCHES AND WE BRING OUR
HEADPHONES AND WE JUST STAY.
WE DO IT.
>> Stephen: THE VOTING HAS JUST BLOWN THE DOORS OFF ALL THE
RECORDS RIGHT NOW.
>> Jon: MAN, YEAH.
I SEEN THOSE EARLY NUMBERS.
AND THE BLUE IS ROLLING IN.
COME ON NOW, COME ON.
>> Stephen: EVERYBODY COME ON.
YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO BE PART OF IT.
YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOUR GRANDCHILDREN YOU DID THE RIGHT
THING.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
HISTORY HAS ITS EYE ON YOU.
>> Stephen: JON, DID YOU-- HOW ABOUT-- DOES HISTORY HAVE ITS
FINGERS ON THE PIANO KEYBOARD RIGHT NOW?
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, A WHOLE LOT OF HISTORY, AND FUTURES WITH IT,
TOO.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: AAAHHH!
>> Stephen: FOLKS, EVERY NIGHT I TAKE THE HIGHEST QUALITY BOLT OF
STORY CLOTH OF THE DAY, THE SILKIEST NEWS THREADS, AND
METICULOUSLY HAND-STITCH THEM INTO THE FINE ITALIAN DESIGNER
JACKET THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT NOW AND THEN, I LIKE TO GATHER UP THE DISCARDED NEWS
RAGS OFF THE FLOOR OF MY COMEDY CABIN, YANK SOME RATTY TWINE OUT
OF AN OLD FEED BAG, AND LOVINGLY SEW THEM TOGETHER INTO THE
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, I'M A HUGE PROPONENT OF FACE MASKS.
THEY'RE SIMPLE, THEY'RE PRACTICAL, AND THEY SAVE LIVES.
BUT, DAMMIT, WHY CAN'T THEY BE DELICIOUS?
WELL, NOW THEY ARE, BECAUSE "HORMEL FOODS HAS ANNOUNCED A
BACON-SCENTED FACE MASK THEY CALL 'BREATHABLE BACON.'"
OKAY, SOUNDS NICE, NOT A BREAKTHROUGH.
AMERICANS ALWAYS INHALE BACON.
I HAVE HUFFED A PORK BELLY.
THE NUMBER-THREE CAUSE OF DEATH IN AMERICA IS HAM LUNG.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, AS PART OF THE EFFORT TO BUILD A LUNAR BASE BY
2028, "NASA AND NOKIA ARE PUTTING A 4G NETWORK ON THE
MOON."
I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
YOU KNOW, THE NEXT TIME SOME DUDE LANDS UP THERE, IT'LL SOUND
LIKE THIS: >> THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR
MAN...
ONE GIANT PENIS PIC FOR MANKIND!
YOU'RE WELCOME, LADIES!
>> Stephen: ACCORDING TO NASA, THE WIRELESS NETWORK WILL BE
USED FOR "STREAMING HIGH-DEFINITION VIDEO."
JUST WHAT YOU WANT ASTRONAUTS FOCUSED ON DURING A
HIGH-PRESSURE SPACE MISSION: NETFLIX.
"UH, HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
EMILY IS IN PARIS, BUT SHE DOESN'T SPEAK FRENCH.
HOW WILL SHE HELP SAVOIR'S SOCIAL MEDIA STRATEGY?
PLEASE ADVISE."
NASA IS DOING THIS AS PART OF ITS "ARTEMIS" PROGRAM, WHICH
AIMS TO "SUSTAIN A HUMAN PRESENCE ON THE MOON."
AND YOU STARTED WITH CELL SERVICE?
"LOOK, WE'RE GOING TO GET TO OXYGEN AND POTABLE WATER IN A
MINUTE, BUT I'M NOT GOING UP THERE UNLESS I CAN POST MY TANG
ON THE GRAMS!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS TIKTOK
VIDEO IS GOING VIRAL THIS WEEK OF A WOMAN RUNNING A SUB-SIX-
MINUTE MILE WHILE NINE MONTHS PREGNANT!
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!
I THINK MAYBE LITERALLY.
THE CLOSEST I'VE GOTTEN TO A SUB-SIX-MINUTE IS AFTER EATING A
SUB IN SIX MINUTES.
AFTER WHICH I LOOKED PREGNANT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, AN AIRPLANE PASSENGER IN INDIA WAS "CAUGHT
SMUGGLING GOLD NUGGETS IN HIS RECTUM TO AVOID TAXES."
SMART.
PLUS, NOW HE CAN WRITE OFF HIS RECTUM AS A HOME OFFICE.
THE TROUBLE STARTED WHEN AIRLINE AUTHORITIES "SPOTTED A MAN
WALKING ODDLY, AND DISCOVERED HE HAD ABOUT TWO POUNDS IN BULLION
SHOVED INTO HIS RECTUM."
OH, THERE'S GOLD IN THEM THAR HILLS.
NOW, I'M SURE YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT THAT GOLD LOOKED LIKE, AND
I'M SURE IT'S PRETTY SMALL STUFF, MAYBE SOME LITTLE COINS
OR LITTLE BALLS OR-- OH, MY GOD!
EVEN MORE AMAZING: HE RAN A SUB-SIX-MINUTE MILE WITH THAT UP
THERE.
A 24-YEAR-OLD NURSERY FOR BABY SHARKS WAS FOUND IN SOUTH
CAROLINA.
I BELIEVE WE HAVE FOOT ANNUAL OF THE PALEONTOLOGISTS ANNOUNCING
THEIR DISCOVERY OF THE SHARK NURSERY
♪ BABY SHARK DO, DO, DO, DO ♪
IN CANADA, THEICA YAND TOWN OF ASBESTOS HAS CHOSEN A NEW NAME.
IT WAS ORIGINALLY NAMED AFTER THE LOCAL MINE 100 YEARS AGO
WHEN ASBESTOS WAS A CUTTING-EDGE MATERIAL TO BE PROUD OF.
SO NOW THEY'VE RENAMED IT TO SOMETHING THEY WILL NEVER
REGRET: "BITCOIN, QUEBEC."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DOLLY PARTON.