- Good evening, welcome to Set List Stand-Up
Without a Net live from the Soho Theatre in London,
where some of the U.K.'s favorite comedians are coming
on stage with no preparation whatsoever.
We'll tell 'em what they're gonna be talkin' about
in stand-up created in the moment and under pressure.
- What could possibly go wrong?
- Ladies and gentlemen, right now,
it's a never-before-seen set list of Tim Minchin!
(audience cheering and clapping)
- So apparently, if you watch all the way to the end
of the Titanic film, when the credits roll,
they show you all the scenes that they deleted,
not only from the movie, but from history,
because history itself directed, as we know it is,
by a fairly heavy-handed director
(audience laughing)
gets edited down, and often the bits that get cut
and left on the editing room floor
by the director are the best bits.
And so what we don't know about the Titanic,
both historically and in the movie,
is that of course it came back up again.
(audience laughing)
And it didn't suit the story back in the early 20th century.
We wanted stories that had drama
and people seemed to want at that stage in history
a lack of resolution rather than resolution.
(audience laughing)
So both in the history and in the movie,
they cut it just before the end of the bed floated back up
and down in the bottom of the ocean,
that minx, that slut, who cheated on Robert Downey Jr.,
she, Robert Downey Jr.?
Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.
(audience laughing)
She had found an octopus who had kept her warm
(audience laughing)
and the boat itself had hit a submarine air bubble,
an S.M.A.B., a Smab, they call it a Smab in oceanology.
And the boat floated up here, bloop,
and all the crew and all the poor people,
the water drained out, and they're doing Irish jigs
'cause they're racist.
(audience laughing)
And the bed end floated up with that slut on it.
Leo DiCaprio is still there, rock hard boner,
makes love to her, they get on the ship,
sail for nine months, and as they arrive in New York,
they give birth to a child who goes
on to be an antisemite who
(audience laughing)
starts the second World War, and
(audience laughing)
and as a result, shipping
(audience laughing)
has been dominated by Eastern European countries ever since.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Sometimes, errors are given very high status.
Every year, the greatest errors on
the planet are collected by the error police, and
(audience laughing)
and the error police collect all the errors,
and have been doing for 200 years.
And the greatest errors are put into a final,
and then there's an error-off.
And people who've made really big mistakes,
political, inventing the euro,
(audience laughing and clapping)
stuff like that, they go into a final,
and whoever wins gets to go to the Vatican
and is honored by the pope, and that person,
in modern days of course, because we're all
into funny vernacular and quirky phrase,
used to be called the Great Godly Honor of Erroneousness.
And now of course, it's a little catch phrase,
and it's like it's a Holy Fail.
And so now, they go, and the pope, who is knows
to be the person on the earth who is in charge
of the institution that has the greatest record
of errors ever in the history of Earth,
(audience laughing)
presents you with a cup.
Of course, it used to be a very functional vessel,
but the person who invented it was one of the past winners
of what used to be called the Grand Honor of Erroneousness
before it got changed in 1984 to the Holy Fail,
which was, like the Olympic logo, terribly contentious,
but people grow into it because any shift in paradigm
satisfies in us the kind of craving for novelty
that we all carry around with us.
And so the cup that was invented as this prize in 1982,
two years before the change of title for the competition,
(audience laughing)
was absolutely riddled with cracks and crevices.
So it not only was a grail which failed,
but it was holy in more than one sense.
(audience laughing and clapping)
(audience cheering)
Fuck you, I was doing alright without it!
(audience laughing)
♪ Don't say syphil no ♪
♪ Don't say AIDS no way ♪
♪ Say Chlamydi-yeah ♪
♪ Yeah yeah ♪
(audience laughing and clapping)
(laughs) I wanna keep going with that one.
I wanna go
♪ Syphil-yes ♪
♪ Chlamydi-yeah ♪
♪ AIDS nay ♪
(coughs)
♪ Sexual transmission affirmation ♪
♪ Everybody loves it ♪
♪ Say Chlamydi-yeah ♪
♪ Chlamydi-Yeah ♪
(audience laughing and clapping)
That's weird, that's Brendon Burns laughter, and he's both
a fellow Australian and a much admired comedian.
Something that people don't necessarily know
because of the filth he spouts out of his mouth, he's also,
(audience laughing)
to me, an incredibly admired intellect.
He's an incredibly smart guy, but the reason he was laughing
through all that is because he's riddled
with sexual diseases.
(audience laughing)
Absolutely.
(audience laughing and clapping)
Most of his genes are STDs.
He's basically like a hotel for parasites.
Basically, he just a sort of Petri dish
for diseases to live in.
(audience laughing)
And I have his foreskin on my notice board at work.
(audience laughing)
(coughs) And the way that came about is
(rambunctious cheering)
incredibly interesting.
See, Brendon and I first came to Edinburgh in 2005,
and Brendon's been like a big brother to me,
always he's been very supportive in his filthy way.
He's sort of, you know, "Fuckin' great, fuck, fuck!
"Cunting great, Minchin!
"You're one of my favorite cunts!"
(audience laughing)
And clearly, I wasn't.
He made it very clear afterwards
that I was seventh or eighth in his list
of cunts that he preferred.
(audience laughing)
But anyway, 'cause he was like a brother to me,
we spent a lot of time together those first couple years
in Edinburgh, and eventually, we ended up, inevitably,
like all Edinburgh evenings, in a shower,
and being a Jew, I of course don't have a foreskin.
- I had no idea!
- Of course, he wouldn't have fucked me
if he'd known I was a Jew.
(audience laughing)
So anyway, I said, "Brendon," as we were
in our post-coital cuddle, and just me scrubbing,
scrubbing, scrubbing to try and get the diseases off,
I said to him, "Brendon, if you're really
"gonna be my brother in comedy, if you're really
"gonna show me your support, you, like the potential husband
"of a Jewish woman in north London, will have
"to show your commitment to me, because love professed
"is nothing without action.
"And if you want to be a part of my family,
"a part of my comedy, a part of me, who I am,
"we have to whip that little foreskin off."
(audience laughing)
And he was fine with it, and we did it.
We got a mohel, there was a local mohel.
(audience laughing)
In Edinburgh, you can get it if you look
in the Yellow Pages under Edinburgh Mohels,
E-M, if you go to E-M on Google, you get Edinburgh Motors,
and we went to them first, and as soon as I saw
the tools they turned up with,
I was like, "We've gone terribly wrong."
(audience laughing)
Anyway, so we eventually got a mohel who came
with his filthy, dirty scalpel with which he had cut
off the pieces of the penises of countless Jews.
And I said, "Cut the foreskin off."
And Brendon was fine with it, and he's had
a clean penis ever since, but he's just
a little bit damaged, enough so that when we talk about it,
he'll only ever refer to it as the incident.
(audience laughing and clapping)
In the same Yellow Pages, if you look under S,
and if you Google S-C Edinburgh, you'll get a few things.
You'll get a scientific conservatoire,
which is where very talented scientists go
to learn to play plants.
(audience laughing)
You'll get a scrotum consultant, which is often,
actually the scrotum consultant we went
to is in the same building, and he mostly does
flattening procedures.
(audience laughing)
So it's, I can't remember his name.
What was his name Brendon?
I think it was Steven the scrotum consultant,
getting the wrinkles out since 1963.
(audience laughing)
And just under that, you get a sausage consultant.
He's actually a butcher.
He teaches butchers to make different sausages.
Of course in Scotland, famously, their food is not very good
so they have sausage consultants who teach people
to put actual nice meats and pork and herbs
and lovely stuff like red onion into their sausages
instead the just the same old deep fried Mars bars.
And of course, it was to the sausage consultant we went
after the incident because Brendon was starving.
Thank you very much.
(audience cheering and clapping)
(upbeat keyboard tune)