(audience cheering)
So much show tonight.
(audience applauding)
Tonight's show is almost too good for this show,
but we're gonna do it anyway.
Lot to talk about.
First of all I have to mention,
I have to talk about this.
Because this is what we're doing at the top of the show,
and this is very special.
This is appointment television right here.
"American Idol", as you may or may not know,
recently held a round of auditions in Honolulu, Hawaii.
This is for the latest, the newest "American Idol".
And people came from all over the country
to try out for the latest "American Idol".
So we decided we should send a correspondent
to cover what's going on.
(audience murmuring)
That's what you do, if you're a news show like ours.
So we sent our very own correspondent,
Triumph, the insult-comic dog,
(audience cheering and applauding)
for the show.
(audience cheering)
Yeah!
We thought, who better?
Who better to suss out what's happening,
and give us a fair assessment
of what's happening over there.
So Triumph went over there to cover
the "American Idol" auditions in Hawaii.
Here's what happened.
(Hawaiian music playing)
(audience laughing)
The Hawaiian Islands,
possessing a rare beauty
unlike any part of mainland America.
Hey! Over there!
Don't go in there!
I just pooped in there!
(audience laughing)
But for thousands of desperate losers,
the action is all here,
in Aloha Stadium.
Where the flat some and jet some of America
has floated like poop, (audience laughing)
across the Pacific,
to the five islands for a desperate last chance
at the final auditions of a crappy show.
(audience laughing)
Perhaps there's never been such an amazing
impressive array of talent.
(breath spray hissing)
For me to poop on!
(audience laughing)
♪ I know you make me wanna shout ♪
♪ Kick my heals up and shout ♪
♪ Hold my ♪
Okay, leave the comedy to me and sing for real.
(audience laughing)
♪ Hello lonely time ♪
♪ And time ♪ Wow!
♪ Goes by ♪ Very nice.
How did you learn that breath control?
How did you learn how to sing and suck at the same time?
(audience laughing)
I'm here with Mike from Hawaii,
also known as Hawaii Five-0-0.
(laughing)
I did, I did.
No, seriously,
who are your influences?
Musically?
Brian McKnight, Boyz II Men.
Right, Chef Boyar... (chuckling)
Chef Boyardee?
(audience laughing)
I did, I did.
To me you are already a star.
And by star,
I mean a large gassy object
that you can see for miles away.
(audience laughing)
♪ Oh my love ♪
♪ My darling ♪
What do you think will happen
if you win "American Idol"?
Do you think it will help you meet girls?
Or, in your case, lonely business men?
(audience laughing)
♪ And you ♪
♪ N-N-N-B-C ♪
♪ How much is that doggie in the window ♪
♪ The one with the cigar in this mouth ♪
(beatboxing)
♪ N-B-C ♪
Okay, can we just skip ahead
to the drive-by shooting?
(audience laughing)
♪ My darling ♪
♪ I've hungered for your touch ♪
I like the way your lips quiver,
it reminds me of a dachshund's labia.
(audience laughing)
What's your name? Joseph.
Joseph, give me a little taste of the real Joseph.
♪ Un-Break my heart ♪
♪ Say you love me again ♪
(Triumph swooning)
♪ Undo this hurt you caused ♪
♪ When you walked out the door ♪
(Triumph screaming)
♪ With all of my life ♪
♪ Sometimes for you ♪ (Triumph screaming loudly)
(screaming and howling drains out singing)
(audience laughing and cheering)
(Triumph swooning)
Oh, oh God!
I'm so wet.
(audience laughing)
(audience cheering)
Very disappointing.
Well anyway,
ladies and gentlemen, absolute true story.
At this point, some people from Fox
decided they didn't like what Triumph was doing,
so they had Triumph thrown out of Aloha Stadium.
Actually, ejected.
We are not making this up.
Triumph was thrown out.
Triumph immediately went to KHNL,
the local NBC affiliate in Oahu,
and he told them what happened.
And here is the actual local news
as it appeared in Honolulu that night.
(explosive swoosh)
[TV Journalist] A major NBC celebrity
tossed out of the "American Idol" try-outs
at Aloha Stadium.
The story is next on News-8.
[TV Announcer] You're watching News-8 at 10.
American television viewers have come to love animals
that have appeared on the small screen over the years.
But in more recent years,
a new animal star as burst onto the scene,
and tonight he's here in Honolulu.
♪ Your daddy ♪
But before Triumph, the insult-comic dog
could spread his aloha spirit too far,
he was cut off.
I was escorted out.
(audience laughing)
After they told us that they, excuse me,
they didn't want us around.
Apparently, I didn't meet the high standards
of the Fox Network that have been set
by the likes of Darva Conger, and Geraldo.
(audience laughing)
[TV Journalist] Triumph says he was only trying
to help out the wanna-be singers
by telling the truth.
I was here to exercise my constitutional right
to humiliate losers and crush their dreams.
(audience laughing) You suck!
This is America.
Hawaii is part of America.
(audience laughing)
And these principals of human dignity,
they were forcibly imposed on these islands years ago.
(audience laughing)
[TV Announcer] Live from News-8,
your neighborhood weather report.
(audience applauding)
Meteorologist Sharon Shulmer has the night off.
Ah, but the weather report rolls on,
and we have a special guest in the weather center tonight.
How you doin'?
Yeah look, I got a lot of free time
now that I was kicked out.
Thanks for the throw there, Howard.
By the way, you're terrific, you know?
With that talent and that hair cut,
you're really on a rocket to Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
(audience laughing)
Okay, let's see what our satellite is telling us today.
Oh! Little clouds are coming into the sky.
Oh, poor Hawaii! You might have a cloud or two.
Screw you, Hawaii!
(audience laughing)
Okay, tonight, what is this?
Evening clouds!
And yes, mostly dry and pleasant.
Okay, dry and pleasant.
That's an inherent contradiction, isn't it?
(audience laughing) (Triumph laughing)
For me it is.
You guys know what I'm talking about.
(audience laughing)
Oh yes.
And then, what do we got?
Oh, no! Light winds!
Light winds!
What will Hawaii do?
Close the stores!
I'm just going to say what everyone else
in America is thinking.
Hawaii, you're a pussy!
(audience laughing)
But Howard, don't worry about the light winds.
Hurricane Isabel couldn't mess up your hair.
(audience laughing and applauding)
Okay, here's the five day forecast.
Oh, look what we've got.
Warm, that's interesting news.
Humid, that's good for your hair, anchor-guy.
(audience laughing)
Well, you can save on Aqua-Net that day.
(audience laughing)
And then we got what here?
We got the cloudy.
Oh no! Cloudy!
Oh no, here's another cloud!
It's Armageddon for Hawaii!
(audience laughing)
No phone and power!
Oh, no, what are we going to do?
I can't look! I can't look,
at the damage,
Hawaii's about to suffer!
Clouds everywhere!
This entire state is threatened with
three, four days of shade!
(hysterical sobbing and gasping)
Back to you.
(audience laughing and cheering)
[News Anchor] Thank you very much.