KLEPPER: The Federal Election Commission has regulated
our campaign finance laws
and protected our democracy since 1975.
They can investigate political campaigns,
audit donations,
and fine campaigns that break established laws.
But it's not always run so smoothly.
Back in my prepubescent, pre-2020 baby skin,
I talked to the FEC and learned that, thanks to partisanship,
the three Democrats and three Republicans
running the place were not getting shit done.
The FEC is enormously dysfunctional.
Can you imagine working in a place like that?
-Those poor bastards. -Uh... (chuckles)
I'm the chair of the Federal Election Commission.
Whoa.
But that was a long time ago.
I wanted to see how the FEC was handling this year's election.
So I sat down with the longest tenured FEC commissioner,
Ellen Weintraub.
Ellen, the last time we talked,
the FEC was having some issues.
-Am I recalling that correctly? -You are.
The FEC was having trouble
coming to consensus on important issues,
and we would tend to break down on party lines
and-and, uh, split.
Are you guys still deadlocked, three and three?
Well... no, actually, we're not.
Great. Great news!
In this, the most important election in our time,
the FEC is no longer deadlocked.
It can move forward and protect this country.
Well, not so fast.
-Shit. -The reality is
that the reason we are not deadlocked
is that we don't have enough commissioners to deadlock.
That feels like a step back.
It's not good.
The reason they're not fully staffed
is because they need President Trump to nominate
and the Senate to confirm new commissioners.
So just how many commissioners do we have monitoring
the enormous sums of money
pouring into our election this year?
We only have three commissioners,
and it takes four to make most of our important decisions.
I worry that, without a quorum at the FEC,
that people may be feeling emboldened
to push the envelope more.
And if somebody goes over the line, then...?
Somebody can file a complaint.
And, um, when we get a quorum,
we can decide what to do with it.
Wow. You guys are like... a mall cop.
You see somebody doing something wrong and are like,
"Hey, stop it! I'll...
remember your face."
And someday, when we get a quorum,
we'll be back.
Someday.
So, for now, the FEC enforcement
of campaign finance laws is just... kind of theoretical.
But is there anything else about this election
we should be ready for?
It's gonna be a challenging election.
I think that we have come to expect
that we're gonna get the big reveal on November 3, on--
at the end of the Election Day,
that the polls close and we get the results.
There's gonna be this huge number of absentee ballots
that will have to be processed.
But I want to know now.
You're gonna have to be patient.
America does have five million patients,
the last time I watched the news.
So that is something we do have.
So here we are. The FEC commissioner
can't practice her regulatory skills in the real world,
and I need to learn to wait.
But what if we both spent time in a fantasy world
where Commissioner Weintraub
could practice her regulatory magic
and I could kill lots of time?
I have an idea.
Huh?
(laughs)
(grunts)
Ellen,
you like D&D?
And I'm of course talking about...
Donors & Demagogues:
Democracy in Decline.
Okay.
She is so excited.
After all, what better way for an FEC commissioner
to get things done right now
than in my homemade role-playing game
centered on the toxic Washington, D.C., swamp?
This was gonna be epic.
Where's your cloak?
Um...
I s-- I sent you a cloak.
Yeah, I'm not gonna wear the cloak.
-Fine. -Mm. Yeah.
Just do it as your regular self.
All right, Ellen, so this game
is about the dangerous realm of Washington, D.C.,
and your character is a brave bureaucrat.
Ellen, imagine. You find yourself in a Trump inn.
You see this little goblin,
-known formerly as Giuliani. -(cackles)
He's sitting with a bunch of Ukrainian guys,
and they're handing files to him that say "For Trump's campaign."
Do you use the fire sword
or submit a strongly worded opinion letter
or something else?
I want to find the facts, Jordan.
I want to investigate.
You want to cast an investigation spell?
Yeah.
'Kay, roll your dice.
(dice rattle)
I got... an eight and a one.
-Is that good? -Okay.
Multiply them.
Eight.
Divide by the one.
Eight.
Okay, you fail.
That's okay.
The game was tense.
Ellen's oversight skills are substantial,
but is she committed to the quest?
How's your mead doing, Ellen?
Uh... Yeah, no mead.
It just doesn't feel like you're matching my energy
of, like, fun and, like... fantasy.
But-- 'Cause, like, if we don't match it,
then I-I feel like kind of a-a weirdo who's wearing a cloak.
After barely seven hours of gameplay,
the journey was nearing its end.
There's a pox across the land.
The evil, orange, pus-filled leader troll
has blocked the mail ravens from delivering the ballots.
Whoosh. You cast your vote spell,
but the Voting Day Festival has ended
and it has no clear winner. What do you do?
Do you take the fire sword to the whole entire place
and then move to the land of the north
with socialized medicine or...
do you cast a patience spell and...
wait for the results?
Fire sword.
Say "fire sword." Say "fire sword."
I'm going with the patience spell.
You take the fire sword and you move up to Canada.
For God's sake, it's easy.
I'm not really a fire sword type.
Okay. Fair enough.
I guess some people can't cut it in the fantasy world
and should keep to regulating the much more frightening
real Washington, D.C., swamp.