Thank you so much, everybody, for being here.
And thank you at home for watching.
And thank you for being here and then going home and watching
to look for yourselves--
[LAUGHTER]
--on TV, feeling very thankful because it's
Thanksgiving tomorrow.
[CHEERING]
Which means there's only one more day until you
find yourself saying, no, Grandma, not all gay people
can sing.
[LAUGHTER]
This is obviously the time of year
when everyone thinks about what they're thankful for.
So I thought on the count of three,
we would all say what we're thankful for.
OK?
1, 2, 3, Cheetos!
[CHEERING]
[LAUGHTER]
I mean, family!
[LAUGHTER]
But I do like Cheetos.
[LAUGHTER]
I try to be thankful every day, because I
have a lot to be thankful for.
I'm thankful for my wife.
I'm thankful for my friends, my family, everyone
who works here, and sometimes, Andy and Mary.
[LAUGHTER]
Mary is thankful, probably, that I haven't talked
about her rash for a long time.
[LAUGHTER]
Yeah, because it's cleared up.
So I'm sure that she's grateful that it
was an average-size rash.
[LAUGHTER]
And, well, Andy is grateful that we haven't mentioned what
he has that's average-sized.
[LAUGHTER]
You guys, no!
[LAUGHTER]
Filthy!
I meant, no, his brain!
[LAUGHTER]
His brain!
No, he has a very big brain, and he has a very huge heart,
and he has average calves and tiny penis.
[LAUGHTER]
Thanksgiving is a good time to reflect on our gratitude,
because it can be stressful.
And you know when you get up in the middle of the night,
and you have to go to the bathroom?
That's what Thanksgiving is like.
[LAUGHTER]
Hear me out.
So you're not totally sure what's in front of you,
and you have to tiptoe around, and you're
a little groggy from all the wine,
and if you make one wrong move, you're going to get hurt.
It's like Thanksgiving.
[LAUGHTER]
You know?
So with that in mind, I have some Thanksgiving advice
before I leave and walk over there.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, it applies to any stressful situation.
It's something I came up with after my husband became
president.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm thinking of Michelle Obama.
[LAUGHTER]
But it goes like this.
When they go low, you pack up your things
and get the hell out of there and try to find a new family.
[LAUGHTER]
Good luck.