Star Trek Manic Episodes is back. Let's go celebrate everybody.
Oh wait, before you do that, we got to talk about pon -fart- night in this episode.
I have now seen all of Star Trek.
That's right. The good, the bad, and the ugly.
And I gotta admit I was a little hesitant to get into the original series because I'm not really into...
how to put this delicately... psychedelic, hippy bullshit.
And boy, did I have this show pegged wrong,
because what I found was a thoughtful, although sometimes silly,
and surprisingly relevant show that still holds up pretty well today.
Star Trek not only broke barriers but it actually is a good program,
which is more than I can say for some trailblazers from our past.
But we're not here to talk about their good episodes.
We're here to talk about their best bad one.
That's right, "The City on the Edge of Forever".
Just kidding. It's "Spock's Brain".
So like, here's the premise, what if like, someone stole Spock's brain?
You ever think about that? You ever think about how inconvenient it would be if someone stole your brain?
The brain in your head? Think about it. You need a brain.
It's what you're thinking with right now. But what if your brain was gone?
How much thinking would you be doing then? Not much, I reckon.
"Spock. What the hell am I looking at?"
"Ah, much better."
Kirk has two passions in life: exploring strange new worlds and superhot green alien chicks.
So you can imagine how much of a disappointment this must be for him
when this lady beams on board and the transport energy fades away to reveal just a regular hot chick.
"Ehhh!"
Nurse Chapel is milking this swoon for all it is worth and I am here for it.
Now why did Kirk position himself like that? He's just showing off now.
But it is not a rock-hard 60's body this lady is interested in,
it is a rock-hard 60s mind, and who has the biggest, hardest mind but our dear Mr. Spock.
*dramatic sting*
You know, sometimes newer is not better.
Well, the crew of the Enterprise wakes up from their catnap
and discovers that something dastardly has occurred while they were out
Someone has stolen Spock's brain.
-His brain is gone.
*dramatic sting*
You know, that old chestnut.
"I put a brillo pad on his head, I don't understand how this isn't helping!"
So I don't know, McCoy throws out some gobbledygook about how the surgical removal was so clean
that somehow means he can survive without a brain or something...
Look, I don't think anyone really, sincerely tried to sell this.
Looks like they've got quite the 'whodunit' on their hands
and suspect 'número uno' is that hot chick that came on board and is also their only suspect.
While Kirk plans to get Spock's brain back, he asks McCoy to keep his friends body alive.
But as McCoy says there are no guarantees.
-Vulcan physiology limits what I can do.
-Spock's body is much more dependent upon that tremendous brain for life-support.
Yes, damn humans could survive for like a day without a brain, unlike those stupid brain dependent vulcans.
But wait, he just said this like a minute ago.
-An incredible vulcan physique hung on until the life-support cycle took over.
So which one is it, are vulcans able to survive without brains longer until life-support kicks in,
or are they much more vulnerable than humans because they depend on their brains more than we do?
I mean, I can't say there's precedent but I feel like if a human had their brain stolen,
the amount of time they'd survive between having no brain
and being put on life-support would be approximately zero seconds.
Now McCoy might be a dammit doctor, but he ain't no miracle worker.
Even if they find Spock's brain he doesn't know how to reattach it.
-It was taken out. It can be put back in.
You don't know if that's true at all.
-I'm gonna have to take him with us
How did you come to that conclusion?
But first we have to draw this incredibly flimsy premise out to 50 excruciating minutes.
How about the away team fighting some cavemen? Would that do anything for you?
Ah, this is actually very smart because they are making the audience feel as if they too have had their brains stolen.
-We mean you no harm.
What!? Before you even saw them you were telling the team
to set their phasers to stun because you wanted them conscious.
-I want them conscious.
You are living out a stolen brain driven revenge fantasy, and you know it.
Anyway it turns out by sheer dumb luck they have stumbled across the correct planet,
and these cavemen are being controlled and kidnapped by the chicks that stole Spock's brain.
Satisfied they can get in by falling into one of their traps Kirk asks McCoy to bring Spock on down.
Didly-dudududu-dumb!
Sure, he's got no brain and was only being kept alive by machines,
but hey, conveniently they could just put a weird thing on his head and blammo!
You got yourself a Rock'em Sock'em radio-controlled Spock.
And yeah, McCoy doesn't know if he can put his brain back in
but he figured out how to connect him to a remote control.
Okay, cool!
Well, I guess it's good that worked out because otherwise,
Kirk's plan of taking the vegetable on life-support to the planet makes no sense.
-Call Chekov and tell him to send my stomach down.
Hey, dude, Spock just got his brain stolen, that was really insensitive.
"Ehhh?"
"Surprise, bitch!"
"Now I have some questions for you."
This episode features many stunning revelations about how the vulcan brain works,
and as I have never encountered a vulcan in my life I can't dispute them.
For instance, apparently, you can pick up their thoughts telepathically on communicators.
But only if they're detached from their body, I guess.
I didn't know so much about vulcan stuff was radio-controlled.
[Brain-Spock offscreen] -Fascinating.
Yes, Spock is reaching out to them from wherever his brain is being held,
and Kirk reassures him that they'll be reuniting him with his body soon.
Please. I want him to run into a door just once. Just once, it's all I'm asking.
And a job well done.
Well, Kirk has had enough of this and wants to speak to a manager.
These chicks are all a bunch of dum-dumbs.
They don't even know what men are and they especially don't know what a brain is.
They're so frustrated by these questions that this brilliant dialogue comes out.
-Brain and brain! What is brain!?
Brain and brain, what is brain? What is brain!?
You ever think about that sometimes? What is a brain? Ahh, a mystery...
I mean I don't even know why this episode has dialogue at all
when you could just move the story along with dramatic music stings.
*series of dramatic stings: 0*
*series of dramatic stings: 1*
*series of dramatic stings: 2*
*series of dramatic stings: 3*
*series of dramatic stings: 4*
*series of dramatic stings: 5*
*series of dramatic stings: 6*
*series of dramatic stings: 7*
But a revelation does come out of this conversation,
and that is the mysterious controller the women speak of is actually, you know, what-is-brain.
-Spock's... brain... controls.
-It's not possible.
Not Shatner enough.
*very dramatic sting*
Oh my God, the back arch, raise fists and then three whole rolls!? Tremendous.
Did people get parts on Star Trek based on how overdramatically they can fall?
"Every day I wake up and put on the stupid hat, and for what? I don't even get minimum wage."
"You think -you- have a stupid hat?"
While the women have put these pain belts on Kirk and the gang,
what our heroes have as an advantage is their smarts.
Yes, not even the greatest technology can best the human mind.
So how do they collaborately get out of this pickle?
Punch the shit out of things!
Look at this, even Brain-Spock thinks this whole plan was idiotic from the get-go.
-Back into your body. We brought it along with us.
[Brain-Spock offscreen] -Thoughtful, Captain. But probably impractical.
"Spock, do you even want us to help you?"
Well, can Brain-Spock at least assist them with the belt situation,
even though they didn't have belts on earlier, so I don't even know why this is a thing?
[Brain-Spock] -It seems your pain bands are manually controlled.
-The red button on her bracelet releases them.
-I know that does not make much sense.
How does that not make sense? Script and script, what is script!?
"Ehhhhheheheheh."
Stop me if you've heard this one: the reason these ladies needed Spock's brain
is because the old brain that controlled their planet went kaput,
but since everyone was too brain dead from not using the brains in their heads,
the lead brainless chick used the storage of all of the knowledge from the people who built the big brain place,
to figure out how to steal a new brain to control their planet for the next 10000 years,
and by that I mean she put on a big plastic helmet that hangs out over a bowling ball.
-Brain and brain! What is brain!?
I mean, that sort of just sums it up, doesn't it?
"Eat brain fuel, idiot!"
Damn, making her smarter didn't benefit them. How could things go so horribly awry?
What's the big deal anyway? Yeah, they stole his brain, but they needed it, dude.
-Why do you not understand that the need of my people for their controller is greater than your need for your friend?
"She's right captain the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
"Not helping, Spock."
-Ahh...
"Oh well, I guess I'm defeated."
Anyway McCoy puts on the magical hairdryer of knowledge to restore Spock stupid brain,
but wouldn't you know it, he forgets what he learned right in the middle of surgery.
And I guess he doesn't know how to finish installing his brain
but he can figure out how to attach his vocal cords.
-I instructed. Dr McCoy to give priority to connecting Spock's vocal cords.
Come on now, you're just... you're just saying things.
You... you're just saying things.
-Aaahh... ahh... mmh, that's better.
So now Spock is gonna instruct him through the rest of his own brain reattachment surgery?
Plot and plot, what is plot!?
Heheheh... Remember when Spock's brain was stolen?
We're all gonna laugh about this later, like this.
-I should have never reconnected his mouth.
-As I was saying...
-...of the kind which hasn't been seen in ages.
-The last such occurrence...
Heheheheh, hehehahahahah...
AAAAARGH!
Alright, "Spock's Brain" is just dumb. It's just dumb.
Ironically, that means I don't have any real clever analysis here. The failings are pretty obvious.
However, it is enjoyably bad and probably the kind of writing
you would expect from the original series if you'd never seen it before.
An astoundingly silly premise that never rises above it into something more than exactly what it says on the tin.
If you can accept that you'll enjoy the ride, but you probably got to shut your brain off first.
But hey, speaking of which, there was another classic Star Trek series that was pretty much this for every episode.
So why don't we take a look next time?
[Music: Star Trek the Original Series theme]