when you have a kid you realize that
women are the toughest creatures on
earth
tougher than men hands down you guys are
tougher than men you guys have babies
you know what i mean you can't beat that
and see there's men in here like what
are you talking about
you're tougher than me i used to play
football
that's tough football you think you're
tough because you catch a football
that's tough that ain't tough
let a football come out of your ass
that's tough
[Applause]
sit in the delivery room having a baby
or easier no one can top a
baby are you serious i went in tough
you know i mean i went in i had a hat
that said coach
i went into i was like oh yeah push push
i said stuff like we can do it
doing crap push push and then this head
starts to pop out i don't care how tough
you are once that head pops out you turn
into the biggest
in the delivery room push push okay here
he comes
here okay push oh my god uh
oh push oh my god push
she's gonna die
eight pounds six ounces eight pounds six
ounces and here's the thing about guys
you see your baby coming
it's eight pounds six ounces you see how
big it gets we don't go
oh here comes my son or here comes my
daughter we don't think like that
we see how big it gets we're like man
she lied
right you know how many times she
stopped me in the middle and said oh my
god you're hurting me shut
what if you talk
there's no move i can do to top eight
pounds six ounces there's no what
i can start from the back of the room
eight pounds six ounces
you can't top eight pounds six ounces
there's nothing a guy can do to top
eight pounds six ounces she won there's
nothing
eight pounds ago this is what it looked
like right here eight pounds six ounces
what am i gonna do with that me inside
that is like a like a flashlight in a
cave
[Applause]
it's so fun though when you have a kid
like a little boy man i mean
the crazy thing about having a son or
just having a kid is they can do
they can cry for anything yeah you know
what i mean to cry for anything
like it should be the smallest thing and
they'll cry like someone just died in
the family
you know they don't care and they'll do
it anywhere at the mall they don't care
they don't care that people are looking
at you and you're being a good dad
because you don't want to give them a
cookie
because he hasn't had lunch yet he'll
cry he doesn't care daddy can i have a
cookie
no you haven't had lunch yet
i want cookie daddy
and then he'll pause and you think he's
done crying but he's not
he's just building up more air to throw
this bigger yell at you like
people are walking by like get him a
cookie
[Applause]
bad enough he's wearing a helmet
that's something we should never grow
out of you know i mean
like he got the cookie he won we should
always cry for stuff we want
you know what i mean if you're in bed
and you want sex
and she won't give it to you like can we
do it tonight
not tonight i'm kind of tired
[Applause]
your neighbors are gonna be like just
have sex with them
[Applause]
you