Hi this is Ceema. Welcome back to Skillopedia. The place to learn skills for the real world.
I have a question for you. How many of you fight? I do. How many of you love to win a
fight? I absolutely do. Well, let me tell you something fighting is not a bad thing.
Really did I just say that, yes well fighting is not a very bad thing? In fact it can also
be considered healthy in any relationship. It could be between friends, it could be between
your husband, your spouse or it could be between a work colleague. Because fighting only shows
that each of you have different viewpoints, each of you have different opinions, however
when you are fighting. You don't have the right to be immature r you don't have the
right to be judgmental and you don't have the right to be childish. So today's session
is gonna deal with, How you can learn to fight or argue in a very mature way? Because at
the end of every fight or an argument, your aim is to have a good resolution, a good solution
for whatever it is that you’re fighting about.
The first tip to remember, when you are fighting is that you've always got to keep it private.
Yes, when you are fighting with your husband or your wife or a work colleague or a friend.
Do not fight in front of other people, who are not relevant to the fight that is taking
place. So say for example, if you are fighting with your spouse don't do it in front of the
children. You may scar them emotionally and that may not be a very good example that you’re
setting for them, because they are going to learn from you, when they grow as an adult.
Also say you’re in office and you’re having a minor argument with a work colleague, don't
do it in front of people who have just recently joined the organization. So the main ground
rule to remember is that, Keep your fights private, don't do it in front of other people.
The second very important rule to remember, when you are engaging in a fight is that,
You’ve got to be very specific. Do not indulge in vague complains. If you are not happy with
something say what it is that you’re not exactly happy about. So if you’re in your
workplace and you’re not happy with someone, who is doing a particular job. Don't say things
like, you never do your work properly. You’re always very lazy. Tell them what exactly you’re
not happy about, so maybe they come late every day, so you could tell them that, You are
coming late every day and therefore you are affecting the productivity of the work or
if someone is not doing their work properly, you could tell them what exact work they are
not doing the right way and show them the right way of doing it. That way you are very
specific about what you want, that also gives them an opportunity to actually improve and
understand, why you’re not very happy? So always, always be specific.
The third very important rule in order to fight in mature way is to not generalize.
Generalizing is basically using the word never, always. These words are very bad in a fight.
It basically tells the other person that you don't trust them. You think that they are
good for nothing, so if you have a child and you tell your child that you always create
problems, you are actually discouraging the child. You are telling him that, he's never
going to do something which will not create a problem. If you’re at work and you tell
your colleague that you always do it wrong. You’re telling your colleague that he can
never do it right. So when you generalize and use words like never or always. You are
not allowing the person to learn from his mistakes. In fact you are putting him or her
down and you should never do that, so when you’re in the fight, do not generalize.
Do not use words like, you never do it or you always do something wrong. That's just
a very bad thing to do.
The next important thing to remember is that you must always keep it relevant. A lot of
people in a fight, they don't really deal with the topic at hand. In fact just to make
the fight more dramatic, they go ahead and bring about things that have happen in the
past. When you do that, you’re actually increasing the intensity of the fight and
you are nowhere close to getting a solution for your problem. So say for example, you
and your work colleague are working on a project. May be your work colleague is not doing as
well as you expected him or her to do. Now instead of talking about the past and telling
your work colleague that, the last time we had the project, you did the same thing. You
could just talk about the project you are dealing at hand. You could tell him, why you’re
not very happy with what he is doing and you could show him how to do it. That way you
are dealing with the problem at hand, you are not talking about the past and you’re
not making him feel like he won't learn. So whenever you’re in the fight ensure that
you only make it relevant to whatever it is that you are talking about in the now.
The next important thing you might want to remember and this is very important is that,
when you’re in a fight. You do not indulge in personal attacks. No personal comments.
A lot of people make this really painful mistake of actually making personal comments. Believe
me if you make a personal comment, when you are in a fight. You are going to have that
relationship scared forever. You’re going to end the relationship forever. It could
be with a friend, it could be with a spouse, it could be with anybody. So if your friend
is not doing something that you want them to do. Don't say things like, you never do
the work around here that's why you’re so fat. Well, you just have to talk about the
work that he or she is not doing. You don't have to talk about his personal nature. You
don't have to talk about anything personal relating to how they look or what they do.
So don't get into character assassination. Talk only about, what you’re not very happy
about, because a personal attack or a personal comment can mean that you are going to lose
that relationship forever.
The next tip to make sure that you fight in a mature way is to try and remain calm.
You’re probably thinking, How do I remain calm, when I'm in a fight? Well I know that's
very difficult. But you know what; you can actually maintain a certain level of calmness
even when you’re in a fight. Because if you are calm, when you are in a fight. It
is more likely that people will take you seriously. It is more likely that people will actually
understand your point of view. Well, you can be calm by doing things that may kind of cool
you down. It could be like may be just giving it a break and going for a walk, taking your
dog for a walk may be that could help or going and watching something that you kind of like
on Television or perhaps you might just want to write in your journal. Whatever is your
way of keeping calm, that's what you must do in order to maintain a certain level of
peace even when you are in the midst of an argument?
The last tip in order to make sure you fight in a mature way is to set a time limit. Yes
remember that just because you’re fighting today. It's not necessary that your fight
has to end today. Yes your fight could tomorrow, your fight could end in a weeks’ time, your
fight could end in a couple of days of time. That's absolutely fine, because it does take
time for two people to understand each other. It does take time for two people to kind of
understand the other person’s viewpoints. So therefore give yourself and the other person
the time to understand what you’re all about, so if you have to wait for another day in
order to get a solution for the argument you've been having, that's absolutely fine.
That's it from me on this session of how to fight in a mature way. I hope you found it
very informative, very useful and I hope it's gonna help you fight in a very mature way.
When you’re having that next argument or that next disagreement with your friend or
your work colleague. In order to get access to more such videos. Do not forget to subscribe
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