- Hey, can I say something quick, coach?
All right team, listen up.
Doesn't matter if you win or lose,
as long as you're having fun.
Is what losers say.
(bell dings)
Come on, get your body in front of it.
You gotta get your body in front of it.
Get that glove in the dirt.
That's okay. Rub some dirt in it.
It won't hurt as bad as losing, I tell you that.
Hustle up. Hustle, hustle up.
Come on, come on.
What did I tell him?
Turn the hip. Squish the buck.
Go, go, go round it.
Go to third, go to third.
Yes, yes, yes.
That's my boy. That's my boy.
Yeah, kid's built just like me.
I used to run the a hundred meter in 10 seconds flat.
You don't believe me? You wanna have a race right now?
Let's go. Come on.
Son, listen to me. You have to understand.
I am vicariously living through you,
which means that your success will heal
the deep scars that my own father inflicted upon me.
That is why it is extremely important
that you use two hands when you catch those fly balls.
Hey, if you guys don't wanna hustle,
there's nine other kids that'll come out here
and gladly play this game for you, I guarantee it.
Come on, go, go get in here.
Slide, slide.
Oh, you gotta get in the dirt.
All right, that's alright, we'll talk about
that on the ride home and then we'll say the rosary.
Mama's little MVP, here we go Derek.
Yeah, my little Derek, he was MVP last year,
you know that, right?
(drink slurps) (bell dings)
Just like last time, right over the fence, honey buns.
Right over the fence. You got this.
Doug, get my bleacher bag.
I'm getting hemorrhoids over here, Doug.
(food crunching)
Oh, don't look now, those are scouts over there
on them bleachers, they're watching my Derek.
Here we go, Derek. Just do like you always do.
Yeah, keep up that batting average
of .524. (hands clapping)
Yeah, he's on the traveling team too now, you know.
Yeah, we're at the ball club four nights a week now,
just like the Lord intended. (drink slurps)
At least I know I don't have to pay for his college
'cause I know he is gonna get a full ride to Colorado State.
Yeah, he's got a 4.0 GPA, too. That boy is smart.
Unlike his father, Doug! Give that bleacher back.
Who has tuberculosis? Oh, that is so sad.
Makes me feel so much better, though,
that my Derek's gonna be a doctor.
(drink slurping) Oh, oh my Derrick's up.
My Derek's up. Oh good eye. (claps) Good eye.
20-20 vision, you know.
You wanna hear a little secret?
I don't know for sure,
but I had a little fling with Mark McGuire back
in 2007 and well, proof is in the pudding. (laughs)
Here we go, Derek.
All right, how you doing?
Guys enjoying the game or the daycare?
Whatever you want to call it.
(bell dings)
All right, I got Garrett, Grant, JP, sounds like runs.
No, it doesn't. Tim!
Tim, Tim. Get near the base.
No, don't look at the butterfly.
Geez. Oh wait, hey buddy.
Hey, you're not left handed. Please, buddy. Just trust me.
Go on the other side.
Guys, why is every time the first time?
Okay, now Jamie, you're gonna pitch this game
'cause your dad paid me 50 bucks.
So we're gonna give it a go, all right buddy?
Gosh, has it been two hours yet?
Come on, come on, come on. Ah, shoot.
Oh, okay. Grant, Grant.
You've been sitting the whole game, buddy.
We gotta put you in. Your parents are here.
They're gonna get all pissed if you don't
go out and play, buddy.
Did you bring a glove?
Grant, you gotta bring your glove, bud.
Good effort, Tucker.
But remember, you don't have to slide into first.
Now come on, parents. Don't gimme that.
If you wanna coach, you can come in the dugout
and you can coach these kids.
But as long as you're on those bleachers,
you can shut your mouth.
Here we go guys. We're having fun, lamps.
There's the mercy rule. Okay, all right, guys.
Let's shake hands. Good game.
Oh my God.
- Okay. Now everybody have fun.
More importantly, stay hydrated. Okay?
(bell dings)
Tucker, you're looking tired. You want some orange slices?
You're just gonna have to hold the game for a second.
He can't bat until he has some orange slices.
Does anybody want a Gatorade? Powerade? Lemonade?
Sunny D? Capri Sun? Let me get it for you, hon.
I got the touch. One try.
There you go, hun.
Hey, they have been playing for 45 minutes.
Can they please have a little snack and some sunscreen.
Form a little line. Other team, too.
Come on guys. Get over here.
(deep threatening voice) Get over here!
Well, hold on. Don't pitch yet, don't pitch yet.
I'm gonna get a photo. (camera snapping)
Oh, that's cute. Oh, that's cute.
Did you see? Look how cute.
This is gonna go on my new player's pin,
right on mommy's chest, right here.
I got you mom's covered, too.
Do you want a Truly? White Claw? Smirnoff?
Mike's Hard? Shut up Mike, I have a headache.
You can knead my back like a new baseball glove though,
that would feel nice.
Oh, you could've called that a strike,
are you kidding me right now, Blue?
(bell dings)
Oh, I see how it is.
I'm just trying to get home early tonight.
Come on, Blue. Blue, you drop more calls than Verizon.
Hey Blue, hey Blue, hey Blue.
I'm just checking in, you got a designated driver for
after the game or you want me to call you an Uber?
(drink slurps)
Hey, Blue. You mind if my kid pets your seeing eye dog?
I thought only horses slept standing up.
Hey, serious though, how much are they paying you?
Come on, Blue. Come on, Blue.
Jiminy crickets, this guy's a bad ump.
(nose quickly sniffing)
Hey Blue, does your wife know you're screwing us?
Oh, what? Oh, I'm outta this game?
Well, at least now you acknowledge there's
a game going on, Blue. (spits)
Oh, fort kick. Becca, start the truck.
- [Child] Dude dad, dude dad, dude dad, dude.
- Let's go, Harley. Let's go, done.
No, I'm leaving. I'm leaving. (mumbles furiously)