- Oh, hi, so I heard you went out drinking last night,
and you had a great time, right?
You were dancing, maybe you're chatting it up
with that cute guy or girl,
but at some point,
maybe between your tenth or twentieth piss,
you realized that you've had enough alcohol
to kill a small elephant,
and then you passed out,
and now, here you are.
You've woken up with a hangover.
- Ahhhhhh!
Oh, holy. Where are we?
- But see, the thing is,
not all hangovers are created equally,
so the purpose of this video is going to be to help you
grade just how bad your hangover is,
to give you a better idea of
pretty much how useless you're going to be today.
(fanfare)
The one-star hangover.
This one's really not that bad at all.
You're not feeling any pain,
but there's sort of a fuzziness in your head
that won't go away.
You're dizzy and your stomach's growling,
but that's nothing that a trip to McDonald's
and a tall glass of water won't fix.
You'll still be able to function today,
congratulations!
The two-star hangover.
There's still not really any pain,
but that fuzziness in your head
is on full attack.
You probably look OK,
but you have the mental capacity of drywall.
You're probably experiencing gut rot
and water just isn't enough to fix you,
so you're probably chugging Gatorade.
Today, you're only fit to do basic tasks,
like feeding yourself and wiping your own ass.
Driving is a little iffy,
as it might put yours and other people's lives in danger,
and don't expect to get much done today.
The three-star hangover.
Ahhh. Things start getting a little bad at this point.
You have a slight headache
and it feels like a gymnast is doing flips in your stomach.
You can't put on perfume or cologne,
because the smell of it reminds you
the shots of gin you had with your friends last night.
You most likely have some cuts or bruises
on your legs and arms
and have no idea where the (beep) they came from.
You've already drank three liters of water,
but you haven't peed once.
Basically, there's no chance of being productive today,
so you should just go have a nap.
Ah, the four-star hangover.
Today, life sucks.
The alcohol is literally seeping through your pores
and you kinda smell like the homeless man
down the street that's been on an alcohol binge
for a week.
And that brand-new shirt that you wore out last night?
Now it looks like something you borrowed
from that same homeless man.
And your eyes are so red and full of veins
that you kinda look like a meth-head
and your hair is so bad
that you look like you were just kicked out of the 80s.
Good luck with all that.
The five-star hangover.
Shit's gettin' serious now.
You can literally feel your heartbeat in your head.
Your body is literally shaking
and that cocktail of Gatorade and Rockstar Rehab
that you've been guzzling all day
is really doing nothing.
You're most likely to go through the day today
with toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth
from when you brushed your teeth this morning,
when you attempted to clean the remnants
from the present the shit-fairy left in your mouth.
Speaking of your mouth, you have completely lost the ability
to produce saliva.
Death seems like a pretty good alternative right now.
You definitely don't remember anything from last night,
including where you were, what you drank, how you got home,
and where the (beep) all your money went.
And finally, the six-star hangover,
also known as Dante's Circle of Hell.
This morning, you probably woke up
on your bathroom floor.
Lifting your head, not an option.
Today, the simple act of walking
will be a challenge for you.
Your mental capacity today makes
that special needs kid across the street
look like Einstein.
You'll also notice that you transformed
into a vampire overnight
because looking at any sort of light source cripples you.
The amount you're going to puke today
is going to make Linda Blair
look like she has good bedside manners.
You're going to need help getting into bed
and once you're there,
you should definitely just stay there.
If you have an IV-unit,
now would be the time to use it,
and other than that,
nothing but a lot of water, aspirin, and sleep,
is going to fix you, my friend.
So, if you made it through this entire video
without vomiting on yourself,
congratulations!
That's more likely than not,
all you're going to accomplish today.
Goodbye now.
The amount that you're likely to puke today
is going to make Linda Blair looks
like she has bedside... bleh.
Bleh le. Bleh le le le. Bleh le. Bleh le.
Blah la le la la le le.
Ah le le le. Ah le le le. Lah le le.
Bleh leh la le le.
Leh le leh.
Now speak right.