One of the best ways to start improving your parenting is to understand what
options you have as a parent. Most people talk about 4 different parenting
styles. Authoritative, authoritarian, permissive and neglectful. We're going to
discuss those 4 types of parenting styles and introduce you to 3 more.
The term that I use for authoritarian or militant parenting is bully fear-based
parenting. I feel like that describes it better because really there is this
bullying that occurs. It's very emotional, manipulative. One person has to be the
loudest, the king of the hill. There's definitely one tyrant and a whole bunch
of minions. That's how authoritarian parenting works.
And the goal of the children in that environment is to become the next
Authority. Now, authoritative parenting is usually considered to be the preferred-
type of parenting. The definition goes that authoritative parents are still
demanding. But they are more warm and caring than the authoritarian parent. I
call these parents traditional strict parents. And I think again that is a
better description of what an authoritative parent actually is. Because
what a strict mean? Strict means that a person governs themselves by a certain
set of principles. Which means my principles and my practice match each
other. That means that a person is controlling themselves. Usually when
people focus on the four styles of parenting,
there isn't much emphasis on the parent being in control of themselves. It's all
what they do to the child. But a traditional strict parent is focusing on
mastering themselves, controlling themselves having calmness, conquering
their beast while at the same time teaching their children those same
things. Self government is a powerful force and it starts within the heart of
the parent. That's why I love the word strict because it really embodies that.
But that person is forming themselves, restricting themselves. Both of these
first 2 styles of parenting --authoritarian and authoritative
come from the root word authority. Authority is something that is lacking
in a lot of homes nowadays. In fact, there is a loss of parental authority that is
spreading across the land. And we are seeing increased selfishness of children,
increase mistreatment and disregard for parents. We're seeing children with
higher levels of anxiety, with entitlement issues. The list goes on and
on. And it is because there is a loss of authority that's in the home. So, if I had
to err on the side of bad parenting, if I could only choose say between the types
of parenting that had Authority but we're kind of meanish and the ones that
didn't maintain any authority which are the other 2 styles we're going to talk
about next, I would actually say the better one is to be authoritarian. I
don't love authoritarian. I want to be very clear about that. That's the bully
fear-based. It's not very productive. But at least it maintains parental authority
for the child which does usually provide some benefit and direction for the child
in the long run. But to be very clear, the preferred the best is authoritative
parenting. But let's call it traditional strict. Because it can mean so much more
than just being demanding and kind. The third style of parenting that is
generally referred to is permissive parenting. Permissive parents are usually
characterized as being warm and accepting of anything the child does
wrong. And also being understanding. And I think I could debate on the
understanding. Because I've seen a lot of permissive parenting in this day and age.
In fact, it's probably the most popular form of parenting that we see. But many
permissive parents aren't understanding what their child really needs. Their
child needs a leader not more choices. A child needs to learn what's right and
wrong, good and bad, true and false. And a permissive parent doesn't often teach
very heavy lessons in that area. They just let the child choose for themselves
what they think is right or wrong. That's what permissive means. They allow
whatever the child wants to do. So, I don't know if
that's really understanding. Even though most people will say that that is
understanding. And I'm sure that they'll probably be comments about this to this
video. And that's okay. Everybody can interpret it the way that they want to.
I'm just telling you that this is how I see it. I call these types of parents
modern progressive parents. And there are many characteristics to the modern
progressive parent. It is true they want to be friendly and kind and accept their
child. That's true. And I think they want to be understanding and they think they
are understanding. But the modern progressive parent does not set the
boundaries and the limits. They don't teach the child self-mastery, by telling
them no. In fact, the answers are almost always yes. Yes, yes, yes. And a person
needs to learn to accept a no answer to be a fully functioning adult. Modern
progressive or permissive parenting actually promotes lots of entitlement.
There's this feeling of deserving because supposedly they're understanding
the child, right? The parents say, "Well, my child deserves to have this or they
deserve to have that." And then the child says, "I deserve, I deserve." And the
daughter of a retired public school teacher and university professor. My
father tells me that there is this drastic difference between how parents
used to be with their children and their child's grades and how parents are now.
Parents expect their children to succeed at every single thing. The pressure is
intense. And if the child for some reason doesn't succeed in a test score or for a
grade for a class, even in college, they come in and they talk to my dad and say,
"You got to give him a different grade. They need it because of this that or the
other." No, that's not understanding what the child needs. That's enabling the
child, teaching the child entitlement. And you know what else? Putting pressure on
the child to always be perfect. It's no wonder we have so many children with
anxiety, they've never been taught how to fail. Failing is
important and it can only be taught by a person who has the authority to say, "Nope,
that was not good enough." And shouldn't it be the parent that does that? That
historically has been the role of all of the adults in the community.
The fourth parenting style is neglectful parenting. Or some people just call it
neglect. These types of parents are cold and unaccepting yet they're usually also
labeled as understanding. I don't get that. In fact, I'm not really sure that a
neglectful parent is any different than a permissive parent thinks that they are.
Sure, some parents may say, "Ah, I don't care. They can do whatever they want." But
in a reality aren't they thinking, "Oh, yeah. I'm just giving to my child. Just
giving, giving." They probably think they're being kind. I put those 2
together because permissive parents often neglect their responsibilities and
neglect the needs of the child. So, I love both of those into the camp of modern
progressive parenting. So, normally, people think there are 4 styles of parenting.
And that's okay. You can say that there are 4 styles of parenting. But what
I've seen is there's 3. And then there are a million others. Because what
happens is many people say, "Oh, I am a very principled person". And so, they want
to have a principled family. But they don't know practices or skills to match
those principles. So, they end up shifting back and forth between authoritarian and
permissive, authoritarian and permissive. Because an authoritative or traditional
strict parent actually no skills. They pre-plan how they're going to handle
problems. Many people just shift. They might go to church one week and say, "A-ha!
Another principle I need to use. They come home and try it fails, they become
authoritarian." Over time what I've seen is this bully fear-base or authoritarian
type parenting hasn't been embraced more and more to the point that people are
actually endorsing the mistreatment of children. Hitting children. Belittling
children. Everyone knows the loss of parental
authority is bad. And I think as a society many people
have been turning on the mass acceptance of permissive parenting. It's funny that
we actually laugh at the neglectful parents. We've been turning our back on
those 2 types of parenting incrementally for the last little while.
But what is resulting is just more bullying. We shouldn't just be going from
1 side of the spectrum to the other. And the answer isn't anywhere in between
on that spectrum either. The answer is to move into the heart of the person. If we
do that, then we can touch the heart of the children and our hearts can be
transformed at the same time. It's true. Parenting done right. Parents hearts
change children's hearts change. Traditional strict parenting is what is
required to have a change of heart. It's pre-planned. It's based on skills
and principles. And everyone's held accountable.
There's Authority that's in place. And it's empowering for the next generation.
We've talked about the different parenting styles. But how do these
parenting styles really affect child development? To find out, watch my video
How Parenting Styles Affect Child Development?