I'm at home, phone rings, it's a school nurse.
She goes, "I have Ila in the office,
"is there a parent at home?"
I was like, "I'll do."
(laughing)
Gives the phone to Ila, her first words,
"I tried to stop it, dad."
(laughing)
I go, "Stop what?"
she goes, "I got my period."
I'm like, "Bitch you promised."
(laughing)
I'm like, "You called the wrong number dickhead,
"call your mom."
She's like, "Dad I need you right now."
Immediately as a parent, I'm melting down.
So I'm like, she's freaking out at school, she's by herself,
she's going through what Georgia went through.
This isn't my skillset.
But I got this, I go "Okay baby, all right, okay.
"How'd you get it?"
She was like, "Dad, I was playing kickball."
Immediately I'm like, poor kid probably thought
she blew out her pussy.
(laughing)
Just (making sound effect)
oh,
shit.
Oh I'm out coach, I'm out yeah.
I tore my twat.
It's bad.
I blew out my coochie coach,
I'm gonna have to sit this one out.
Pinch runner, pinch runner.
Now I'm spiraling, I'm like "All right,
"what do you need from me, new pants, new panties,
"new socks, did it get in your socks?
"A bucket, some towels, garlic,
"we gotta keep the vampires away from you."
She's like "Dad I'm fine, mom gave me a go bag."
I go "Okay then what are you calling me for?"
She goes "I need you to go to the store and get supplies."
I'm like, "How bad is this period?"
She's like, "No dad, I'm throwing myself
"a period party tonight."
I'm like, "I'm sorry what did you just say?"
She's like, "All the girls are doing it dad.
"I need you to go to the store and get supplies.
"Get a red velvet cake."
I'm like
(retching)
I go "Baby I don't think I can eat a red velvet cake,
"knowing what it symbolizes."
She's like, "Dad you need a red velvet cake
"for a period party 'cause you put the name of your period
"on the cake," I'm like,
"Who names their period?"
She's like, "Georgia named hers
"after the girl from progressive auto insurance."
(laughing)
She's like, "Dad please, I need you right now,
"I have 10 people coming tonight."
I go, "We have 10 little girls coming to the house?"
She goes, "No eight girls, two boys."
I'm like, "Who invites boys to a period party?"
And I hear her sinister little giggle on the phone
and she goes, "Dad, that's the fun of it.
"We don't tell them why they're there."
Now I'm like, "Fuck it, I'm in."
I have never had more fun at a party in my entire life.
Planning, hosting and attending a period party.
I dressed all in red like it was Chinese new years.
Drinking pinot noir, I made pasta with chunky marinara sauce
and I giggled the whole night with all these little girls
at these two boys, Max and Carter right?
Faces covered in red cake.
Like it's their honeymoon and they're like,
"Fuck it, I'll eat it anyway."
The whole party, these two boys
are looking at the cake going, "Who the hell's Jason?"
My daughter Ila Kreischer
named her period Jason
because she got it on Friday the 13th.
(cheering)