( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪
>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, "BRING IT ON HOME"
WITH JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THERE YOU GO!
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: FOLKS -- UNBELIEVABLE.
♪ IF YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
FOLKS, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE DOGS.
I SEE A LOT OF MYSELF IN THEM.
I'M LOYAL, KIND, AND I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR A PIECE OF BACON.
AND THAT AFFINITY FOR DOGS IS WHY I LOVE DOING MY SEGMENT:
RESCUE DOG RESCUE, WHERE WE HELP FIND HOMES FOR REAL RESCUE
PUPPIES.
I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR WE HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF
EVERY SINGLE DOG WE'VE EVER FEATURED GETTING ADOPTED.
AFTER THEIR APPEARANCE ON THIS SHOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S FAR MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN
OUR OTHER SEGMENT, ANYBODY WANT A VULTURE?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THROUGHOUT THE PANDEMIC,
THERE WAS A SURGE IN PEOPLE ADOPTING PETS.
BUT AS MORE PEOPLE HEAD BACK TO WORK, SHELTERS ARE FILLING UP
AGAIN.
WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF RESCUE DOG
RESCUE.
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF RESCUE DOG RESCUE.
HERE'S HOW SHE WORKS: WE'RE ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SOME ADORABLE
PUPPIES THAT ARE ACTUALLY UP FOR ADOPTION THROUGH THE NORTH SHORE
ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
AND TO MAKE SURE THESE DOGS FIND A HOME, WE HAVE MADE UP
FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM TO MAKE YOU WANT TO ADOPT THEM EVEN
MORE.
NOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME CELEBRITY WILLING TO TAKE ON THE
CHALLENGE OF FINDING THESE DOGS FOOD AND SHELTER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I'M SORRY, BUT DID SOMEBODY
SAY CELEBRITIES EATING DOG FOOD CHALLENGE?
>> Stephen: JASON SUDEIKIS, NO, I DID NOT SAY THAT.
>> OH THAT'S TOO BAD.
ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT THAT WOULD TASTE LIKE.
SEE YA AROUND.
>> STEPHEN: WAIT JASON SUDEIKIS WHILE YOU'RE HERE, WOULD YOU BE
WILLING TO HELP ME GET DOGS ADOPTED BY TELLING SOME LIES?
>> NOPE.
THAT WAS MY FIRST LIE.
>> Stephen: OH, HE'S GOOD!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS DOG
AND PONY SHOW -- HOLD THE PONIES!
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
FIRST UP, THIS IS GORDON.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) GORDON IS SO SMART THAT HE
RECENTLY WON THE JEOPARDY TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS.
EVEN BETTER, IN THE FINAL ROUND, THE ANSWER WAS GORDON, AND THE
QUESTION WAS WHO'S A GOOD LITTLE BOY?
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU ARE!
>> ALL RIGHT.
OH, BOY.
I GOT YOU.
IT'S OKAY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
EASY.
NEXT UP, THIS IS SCRUFFS.
SCRUFFS IS ACTUALLY A GIFTED PSYCHIC BUT WILL ONLY TELL YOU
'GOOD' THINGS THAT ARE GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU AND NOTHING ABOUT
YOUR NEXT BOYFRIEND TRAVIS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: THIS IS BARTLEBY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SHE INVENTED THE ADD 30 SECONDS
BUTTON ON THE MICROWAVE AND IS NOW A MULTIBILLIONAIRE.
ADOPT HER AND YOU'LL GET A TASTE OF THE BACK END EVERY TIME
SOMEONE DEFROSTS A BURRITO.
ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN, FELLAS.
CALM DOWN.
( APPLAUSE ) >> WE'RE BOTH NERVOUS.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
>> THIS HERE IS TED LASSIE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEAH, YEAH.
YOU GET IT, RIGHT?
>> Stephen: YES.
HE IS A RARE BREED KNOWN WORLDWIDE AS A POOVER, WHICH IS
A COMBINATION POODLE AND HOOVER.
SO WHEN SHE DRAGS HER BUTT ON THE CARPET, IT ACTUALLY GETS
CLEANER.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
SAY HI TO PEBBLES.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) SHE'S A VERY AFFECTIONATE PUP.
ALSO, DUE TO A CLERICAL ERROR AT THE VATICAN, PEBBLES IS
TECHNICALLY A CATHOLIC SAINT.
( LAUGHTER ) DOES THAT MEAN YOU'LL GO TO
HEAVEN?
ADOPT HER AND FIND OUT OR DON'T AND ROLL THE BONES.
( LAUGHTER ) >> ALL RIGHT.
COME HERE.
OH, BOY!
IT'S OKAY.
COME ON.
>> THERE RIGHT HERE -- YEAH, I'M WITH YOU.
THIS IS STARLA.
STARLA ONCE SAW DAVID SCHWIMMER BUY ONE OF THOSE BIG PRETZELS AT
AN AIRPORT.
BETTER YET, SHE KNOWS IT'S NOT A GOOD STORY AND NEVER BRINGS IT
UP.
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THIS IS SENATOR
RUFFKINS.
HE IS AN ACTUAL U.S. SENATOR.
BUT IN THESE DIVIDED TIMES, SENATOR RUFFKINS DOESN'T SEE RED
STATES OR BLUE STATES.
HE SEES ONLY GREY STATES BECAUSE HE IS A DOG.
( LAUGHTER ) >> YEP.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE YOU GO, BUDDY.
YES!
>> Stephen: OH, LORD.
COME ON.
>> THIS IS DR. BRUCE GOLDFARB.
HE'S A PHYSICIAN WHO GRADUATED TOP OF HIS CLASS AT HARVARD
MEDICAL.
HE HAS A PERFECT RECORD OF CURING ALL THE PATIENTS HE
MEETS.
I'M SORRY, I MISREAD THAT: OF EATING ALL HIS PATIENT'S CURED
MEATS.
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
SORRY, DOCTOR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: MEET JANGLES.
SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE OF THIS BIT AND THINKS
IT'S A CUTTHROAT REALITY COMPETITION CALLED THE BEST
BITCH.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE EXPLAINED IT TO HER MANY
TIMES BUT SHE KEEPS SAYING SHE'S NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS AND
THESE OTHER DOGS GOTTA GO.
>> YEP.
YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR THE RESCUE.
HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE: COLBERTLATESHOW.COM
FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL
LEAGUE AMERICA.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JASON SUDEIKIS.