Transcriber: Jennifer Zheng Reviewer: Anna Sobota
Let me be transparent -
although the apparent start of an enlightening conversation,
it is often a dubious ignition key to an uncomfortable episode.
The dilemma begins with this thing we call transparency,
along with the perception that we actually know what it means.
Mother Teresa,
in her calm and spiritual way,
tells us,
“Honesty and transparency make us vulnerable.
Be honest and transparent,
anyway.”
Well, are honesty and transparency synonyms?
If honesty is simply telling the truth,
then transparency must be the action in which we share that truth.
My daughter was in kindergarten
and we were in the car riding home from school one day
when she boldly exclaims,
“Mommy, I saw two kids having S-E-X today.”
Trying not to run off the side of the road
as I looked at her in the rearview mirror
and with this lump in my throat and a facial expression,
that looked pretty much like yours,
I said,
“You ... You saw what exactly?”
- “I saw two kids kissing behind the tree.”
“Oh, all right.”
Letting out the sigh of relief and trying not to laugh
as she was very serious.
I said,
“Well, that just seems like kissing
which two kindergartners should not be doing at that age.
But I could breathe now that we cleared that up.”
Transparency.
I know many parents who would have said to their child,
“We don’t say those words.
We don’t talk about those things.”
But it was this very moment that my daughter taught me about transparency
and why it is so important for us to learn how to be transparent.
Mainly because it's challenging and complicated,
but it’s the only way to the truth.
The only way to the truth.
This very transparent conversation has led
to many more transparent conversations with my daughter
that most we consider complicated,
awkward,
weird,
uncomfortable.
But it’s pretty normal for my daughter and me.
It’s how we talk in our household.
Transparency is our thing.
So why is it so hard for us to be transparent?
Well, let’s call out what it is:
retaliation,
rejection,
shame,
embarrassment,
judgment.
It seems that it all boils down to fear.
With transparency, there’s a risk.
And like Mother Teresa said, we need to do it anyway.
Because when we can fight through that fear,
face that fear,
overcome that fear
and get to a place where we can become more transparent,
our relationships will catapult
to new heights.
But before we let it all out,
I want us to explore these two steps
that I feel can take us from fearful and guarded to open and vulnerable,
allowing us to establish healthier and more meaningful relationships.
Transparency
begins with trust.
Step number one,
understanding that transparency begins with trust.
Now, I’ve found that transparency can be very harmful
Harmful when trust has not been established.
Insightful and helpful when it has.
So in high school I had a teacher,
my favorite teacher, his name was Mr. Butch.
He was my speech and drama coach.
And with all of his flamboyance, he pulls me aside after class
and says,
“Miss Jennings,
you are by far the absolute worst actress
that has ever stepped foot in my classroom.
But, baby, you have a voice.
No more drama, let’s stick to speeches.”
Now, this may have been his transparent way of
redirecting my path from drama
to focusing more on speech.
I know he meant well,
but his delivery could have been relayed in a different manner.
I mean, it was slightly humiliating, a tad bit deflating.
However, I will say this,
it was those words
that propelled me into a almost 30-year career in radio and television
that started at the age of 16 while being a student in his classroom.
And, oh, how proud he would have been today to see me standing on a TED stage.
I had much respect for Mr. Butch,
but most importantly, we had established trust.
Where others may have been offended or deeply hurt by his words,
I knew that he had my best interests at heart,
and because of his consistent transparency
our student-teacher relationship strengthened
allowing me to grow and improve my craft.
Transparency begins with trust.
And now that we’ve determined that trust has been established,
we go to this next step,
which I like to call in the famous words of rapper Ice Cube:
“Check yourself before you wreck yourself.”
This is where we get honest and transparent with ourselves.
How are you feeling emotionally?
And honor those emotions.
Validate those emotions.
Feel what you need to feel so that you can objectively communicate.
Am I calm or am I anxious?
Am I in a place to have healthy communication
or am I just so angry I just want to get it all off my chest?
Before going into full transparency
we should sit in a quiet space with our feelings and see where we are.
Oh, and transparency isn't letting everyone know everything all the time.
I mean, you say you're an open book,
but should people have access to every page in your book
when they want to read it?
I believe that you can determine
when it’s the right time to serve up that chapter
when it’s most comfortable for you.
It means that self check is pretty necessary.
Oh, and transparency doesn’t mean
that our brains work like a gumball machine
forcing any random thought to leave our tongue.
Rather it’s about measuring our thoughts and our words
to ensure that we protect the dignity of others.
It is this thoughtful process
that allows us to increase the chances of cultivating the type of deep connections
that promote trust, respect and kindness.
Transparency isn’t a metaphor for cellophane.
It is the process by which we
listen actively,
respond wisely
and love generously.
Thank you.
(Applause)