WELCOME TO "LATE SHOW,"" FOLKS.
I AM SO HAPPY TO BE HERE.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU CAN CAN TELL-- ARE YOU EXCITED FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
I'M FEELING GOOD.
I'M FEELING GOOD THIS CHRISTMASTIME.
ALMOST ALL MY CHRISTMAS SHOPPING IS STARTED.
I'M AHEAD.
YOU KNOW WHO'S HAVING A GOOD CHRISTMAS?
DONALD TRUMP.
HE GOT WHAT HE WANTED FOR CHRISTMAS-- AMERICA.
AND HE'S REGUESTING IT TO HIS BUDDIES.
HE'S APPOINTED MORE PEOPLE TO HIS CABINET.
YESTERDAY, A GUY NAMED STEPHEN MILLER WAS APPOINTED TO BE HIS
SENIOR POLICY ADVISER.
NOW, WE DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT HIM.
SO FAR, WE KNOW HE'S A PICKER, A GRINNER, A LOVER, AND SINNER.
SOME PEOPLE CALL HIM MAURICE.
THIS IS THE DOPE ON THIS GUY.
DURING THE CAMPAIGN, STEPHEN MILLER'S JOB WAS TO "WARM UP
CROWDS BEFORE TRUMP TOOK THE STAGE AT RALLIES."
"ALL RIGHT, WELCOME TO THE RALLY.
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS FROM?
OKAY.
WE'RE GOING TO DEPORT YOU BACK TO THERE."
TRUMP'S CABINET IS REALLY TAKING SHAPE, AND IT'S IMPORTANT,
IT TAKES SHAPE, BECAUSE THERE'S THIS THING CALLED THE LINE OF
SUCCESSION.
IT INVOLVES MOST OF THE CABINET.
IT GOES PRESIDENT, VICE PRESIDENT, SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE,
SECRETARY OF STATE, THE GRIMACE, I BELIEVE.
JUST KIDDING, OBVIOUSLY, THEY'RE ALL WHITE.
>> Jon: HEY.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE, IT'S TRUE.
GRIMACE IS A PERSON OF COLOR.
PURPLE, PURPLE, BUT STILL.
HERE'S AN ACTUAL CHART FOR THE LINE OF SUCCESSION.
WHICH DOUBLES AS THE CHART OF HAIRCUTS YOU CAN GET AT THE
SENIOR CENTER.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU CONCERNED
WITH DIVERSITY, DON'T WORRY.
THE SECRETARY OF AGRICULTURE APPEARS TO BE A BLACK GUY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.
DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HIM.
BUT HE SEEMS VERY NICE.
YESTERDAY, DONALD TRUMP WAS IN WISCONSIN, HIDING FROM HIS
INTELLIGENCE BRIEFING, AND HE SURPRISED THE CROWD WHEN HE
TALKED ABOUT HOW HE FELT ON ELECTION NIGHT ABOUT ALL THE
POLLS THAT SAID HE WOULD LOSE.
>> I REALLY ASSUMED I LOST.
I BELIEVED THESE THINGS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE CORRECT, SO I
SORT OF THOUGHT I LOST, AND I WAS OKAY WITH IT.
>> Stephen: YES, I WAS, TOO.
I WAS OKAY WITH THAT.
>> Jon: I SAW THAT, I SAW THAT.
I WAS THERE, TOO.
>> Stephen: THAT IDEA DID NOT UPSET ME.
THEN TRUMP SHARED A VERY PERSONAL MOMENT.
>> I GO AND SEE MY WIFE.
I SAID, "BABY, I TELL YOU WHAT."
WE'RE NOT GOING TO WIN TONIGHT."
>> Stephen: THAT IS ACTUALLY MY FAVORITE SINATRA SONG.
HIT IT, JOHNNY!
♪ BABY, WE'RE NOT GONNA WIN TONIGHT
♪ THE CROOKS ON THE NEWS WERE RIGHT
♪ IT WOULD'A BEEN A THRILL TO LOCK UP HILL
♪ BUT, BABY, WE'RE NOT GONNA TO NIGHT ♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) A LITTLE HIGH.
A LITTLE HIGH.
TRUMP THEN WENT ON TO DESCRIBE THE MOMENT THAT HE REALIZED
VICTORY WAS WITHIN HIS TINY GRASP.
>> YOU KNOW, WITH THE MAP-- BING! BING! BING!
BOY, THAT MAP WAS GETTIN' RED AS HELL!
THAT MAP, THAT MAP WAS BLEEDING RED!
>> Stephen: WOW.
THE FACT THAT HE WAS SHOCKED ON MAKES ME FEEL CLOSER TO DONALD
TRUMP.
I DIDN'T KNOW THIS.
IT TURNS OUT HE ALSO WOULD HAVE BEEN UNPREPARED TO HOST MY
ELECTION NIGHT SHOW.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN TWO OF US.
A BIT OF A SHOCKER.
POINT IS, WE'RE ALL STILL DISSECTING WHAT HAPPENED IN THIS
ELECTION.
JILL STEIN IS DEMANDING RECOUNTS, AND HILLARY CLINTON IS
IN THE WOODS RE-STAGING THE DEBATES WITH A DEAD SQUIRREL.
WE'LL GET THEM.
WE'RE GOING TO WIN THIS ONE.
ONE THING THAT MAY HAVE TIPPED THE BALANCE WAS WIKILEAKS
RELEASING THOUSANDS OF CLINTON EMAILS OBTAINED BY RUSSIAN
HACKERS.
AND WE JUST FOUND OUT HOW THEY DID IT.
APPARENTLY, HACKERS SENT HILLARY'S CAMPAIGN CHAIRMAN,
JOHN PODESTA, A FAKE WARNING EMAIL TELLING HIM
HE HAD TO CHANGE HIS PASSWORD, AND WHEN THE CLINTON FOLKS
CLICKED ON IT, RUSSIAN HACKERS GOT ACCESS TO ALL OF HIS
E-MAILS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE A TRICK THIS OBVIOUS TOOK DOWN THE MOST
SOPHISTICATED CAMPAIGN IN HISTORY.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE WINNNG WORLD WAR II BY LURING HITLER OUT OF
HIS BUNKER WITH A FAKE LADY HITLER.
BY THE WAY, FAKE LADY HITLER IS MY SECOND FAVORITE SINATRA SONG
♪ FAKE LADY HITLER, GOOSE-STEPPING INTO
CZECHOSLOVAKIA ♪ NO?
NO?
♪ FAKE LADY HITLER FAKE LADY HITLER
♪ I LIKE YOUR MUSTACHE I'M RUNNING TOWARDS YOU
♪ I'M GONNA DASH ♪ >> Jon: HEY, I LIKE THAT.
>> Stephen: IT WAS NEVER RELEASED.
SINATRA NEVER RELEASED THAT ONE.
>> Jon: YEAH, THE DEEP CUT.
>> Stephen: AND IT GETS EVEN CRAZIER BECAUSE THIS HACK NEVER
WOULD HAVE HAPPENED AT ALL, EXCEPT FOR ONE THING:
WHEN A PODESTA AIDE TRIED TO VERIFY IF THE HACKER EMAIL WAS
REAL, ANOTHER STAFFER REPLIED, "THIS IS A LEGITIMATE EMAIL,"
WHEN HE HAD MEANT TO TYPE THAT IT WAS AN "ILLEGITIMATE EMAIL."
SO THAT'S IT.
THERE IT IS.
THE ENTIRE ELECTION HINGED ON A TYPO.
IT REALLY LEGITIMIZES OUR DEMOCRACY-- SORRY,
DE-LEGITIMIZES.
THAT'S A TYPO.
I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.
SO NOW-- SO NOW-- ( APPLAUSE )
CLAPPING FOR THE END OF DEMOCRACY.
( CHEERS ) SO NOW TRUMP IS GETTING READY TO
MOVE INTO THE WHITE HOUSE, AND HE HAS ANNOUNCED HIS FIRST
DECORATION FOR THE OVAL OFFICE-- A LETTER WRITTEN TO HIM BY
PRESIDENT NIXON.
HE IS GOING TO MOUNT IT ON THE WALL RIGHT NEXT TO HIS STUFFED
HEAD OF JEB BUSH.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW THE LETTER WAS WRITTEN--
IT'S A REAL LETTER, IT WAS WRITTEN IN 1987 AND IT SAYS:
"DEAR DONALD, I DID NOT SEE THE PROGRAM, BUT MRS. NIXON TOLD ME
THAT YOU WERE GREAT ON "THE DONAHUE SHOW."
AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, SHE IS AN EXPERT ON POLITICS, AND SHE
PREDICTS THAT WHENEVER YOU DECIDE TO RUN FOR OFFICE, YOU
WILL BE A WINNER!" WHAT POLLSTER DID PAT NIXON USE,
NOSTRADAMUS?
( LAUGHTER ) BUT LITTLE-KNOWN FACT: THAT
WASN'T THE ONLY LETTER NIXON SENT TRUMP.
WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE OBTAINED FROM OUR CONTACTS DEEP
WITHIN THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES A TROVE OF HITHERTOFORE--
HITHERTOFORE-- HITHERTO-- UNRELEASED CORRESPONDENCE FROM
PRESIDENT NIXON TO PRESIDENT TRUMP.
THESE ARE THE NIXON TRUMP LETTERS.
VOLUME ONE.
LET ME GET INTO CHARACTER HERE.
I'M RICHARD NIXON!
OKAY.
I'M RICHARD NIXON.
( LAUGHTER ) BOOINGA-BOOINGA.
"DEAR DONALD, I WASN'T WATCHING THE TV, BUT PAT TELLS ME THAT
YOU WERE EXCELLENT ON WRESTLEMANIA.
( LAUGHTER ) I SUSPECT THE WHOLE THING IS A
FRAUD."
FRAUD.
HOW CAN THE MACHO MAN TAKE THAT MANY FOLDING CHAIRS TO THE HEAD?
GIVE MY BEST TO THE HULKSTER.
YOURS, DICK."
I'M REALLY GETTING INTO CHARACTER.
>> Jon: I SEE THAT.
"DEAR DONALD, I DID NOT SEE THE PROGRAM, BUT PAT SAYS YOU WERE
WONDERFUL ON 'THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR.'
JUST LIKE HIM, ON THE PLAYGROUND WAS WHERE I SPENT MOST OF MY
DAYS, CHILLIN' OUT, MAXIN', RELAXIN', ALL COOL.
I HOPE WHEN YOU RUN FOR OFFICE, YOU WILL USE THIS EXPERIENCE TO
REACH OUT TO AFRO-AMERICANS.
PLEASE REMIND THEM THAT LINCOLN WAS A REPUBLICAN.
LOVE, DICK."
( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER )
THIS IS ME BEING CASUAL.
"DEAR DONALD, PAT I HAVE FOLLOWED YOUR CAMPAIGN CLOSELY.
HOW DO YOU KEEP GETTING AWAY WITH THIS (BLEEP)?
( LAUGHTER ) I MEAN--
I MEAN, LEAKED RECORDINGS SUNK MY REPUTATION, AND YOU TALK
ABOUT (BLEEP) AND STILL GET ELECTED?
YOU GOT SOME BALLS, BUDDY.
SINCERELY, RICHARD NIXON'S GHOST."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANKS SO MUCH.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS IS HERE. STICK AROUND!