>>> BURGER KING REPORTEDLY HAD ITS BEST SALES IN FOUR YEARS
BECAUSE OF THE NEW IMPOSSIBLE WHOPPER WITH A MEAT FREE, PLANT
BASED PATTY. HERE TO RESPOND, ARE OWNERS OF
SMOKERY FARMS MEAT GIFT DELIVERY SERVICE, VANETA AND
WYLENE STARKIE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> WE'RE COUSINS. >> WE'RE COUSINS.
>> WE'RE COUSINS. >> WELCOME BACK, GUYS.
HAS THE IMPOSSIBLE BURGER HURT SALES OF REAL MEAT?
>> WELL, IT AIN'T HELPING, COLIN.
THIS COMPUTER BEEF THAT BLEEDS LIKE THE REAL THING IS KILLING
US. >> PEOPLE SEE VISIONS OF CUTE
SMART ANIMALS ON VIDEOS LIKE NEWBORN PIG LETS.
>> OR GENIUS GOAT BLOWS KISSES AT GRANDMA.
>> AT SMOKERY FARMS WE SOLVED THAT PROBLEM BY SERVING MEAT
FROM ANIMALS THAT ARE INDIVIDUALLY VERIFIED TO BE
STUPID, BAD, RUDE, AND TALENT-FREE.
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW, YOU WANT TO SEE THE MEAT
GIFTS, HUH? >> THE MEAT GIFTS?
NO, I'M OKAY, THANK YOU. >> OH, YEAH.
LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL BOUNTY. >> NOW, THIS COW CHASED AN OLD
LADY INTO A POND. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND SHE LATER PASSED AWAY, NOT FROM THAT, BUT IT DIDN'T HELP.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND NOW, HE'S BURGER.
>> NOW, DID YOU EVER HEAR OF THE DUCK THAT BEFRIENDED A BLIND BOY
WELL THIS IS HIS BROTHER. A DUCK THAT RAN AROUND WITH HIS
THING HANGING OUT. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOU EVER SEE A DUCK THING, COLIN?
>> I HAVEN'T. >> OH, IT LOOKS LIKE A DRAIN
SNAKE. [ LAUGHTER ]
GO AHEAD AND EAT HIS WINGS AND CELEBRATE HIS DEMISE.
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE SAY THAT
PIGS ARE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT ANIMALS.
CAPABLE OF PUZZLES AND SIMPLE MATH.
WELL, WE FOUND THIS ONE EATING TURDS.
[ LAUGHTER ] JUST SLOPPING 'EM UP LIKE
SPAGHETTI, LOOKING US RIGHT IN THE EYE, LIKE, "YOU LIKE WHAT
YOU SEE?" [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT HEY, IF YOU STILL FEEL TOO SAD TO EAT SOMETHING WITH A
FUZZY FACE, TAKE A HALF STEP AND GO PESCATARIAN WITH OUR COAST
TASTER BASKET. >> OH, GOD.
>> OH, YUM. [ LAUGHTER ]
OH, YUM, LOOK AT THESE DEAD LITTLE SWIMMERS.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> OH, COLIN, LOOK AT THAT.
LOOK AT THE SHEEN ON THERE. >> I SEE THE SHEEN, YEAH.
>> WELL, GOOD, THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW IT'S WET.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> AND YOU KNOW OUR FISH GOT
GOOD FLAVOR BECAUSE IT GLISTENS AND STINKS.
>> HEY, LISTEN. FISH ARE BARELY ANIMALS, OKAY?
THEY'RE STUPID AND THEY CAN'T EVEN HUG.
[ LAUGHTER ] LIKE THIS ALASKAN KING CRAB
HERE, WHO REFUSED TO WEAR A CONDOM BECAUSE HE SAYS IT MESSES
WITH HIS FLOW. [ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, GO AHEAD AND DUNK HIS ASS IN BUTTER AND SUCK THE MEAT OUT.
[ LAUGHTER ] HE.
>> THIS TENDER FLOUNDER IS AS FLAT AS HE THOUGHT THE EARTH
WAS. NOW, THIS -- THIS EEL.
THIS EEL DOESN'T GO DOWN. [ LAUGHTER ]
BUT IT EXPECTS YOU TO. [ LAUGHTER ]
NOW, HOW DOES THAT WORK? OKAY.
NOW YOU CAN EAT HIS WHOLE DANG BEAUTIFUL SMELLY
BODY WITH A SQUEEZE OF LEMON. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> THIS OYSTER'S WHOLE BODY IS SNOT.
[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ] AND IF YOU EAT IT, HE MAKES YOU
FEEL FRISKY. [ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
>> NOW, ARE YOU FEELING FRISKY, COLIN?
>> ARE WE KIND OF GETTING YOU HOT OVER HERE, COLIN?
>> NO, I ACTUALLY FEEL KIND OF SICK.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> YEAH, WELL THAT'S PART OF IT,
SWEETHEART. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M SORRY, BUT NONE OF THESE STORIES SOUND LIKE THEY'RE REAL.
>> YOU A BIG FISH BOY, COLIN? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU A COD LICKER? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> YOU CUCKOO FOR COD, BABY? >> IT'S SO BAD EVEN FOR ME.
>> VANETA AND WYLENE, EVERYONE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE. GOODNIGHT.