He's gonna take you back to the past
To play the shitty games that suck ass
He'd rather have a buffallo
Take a diarrhea dump in his ear
He'd rather eat the rotten asshole
Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer
He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard
He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd
He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd
He's the Angry Video Game Nerd
The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit, but it had a certain appeal.
The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh god, it sucks.
You plop it on top of the Genesis like they're mating.
God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor.
I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis?
That poor Genesis is just thinking, "Oh please, God, take these shit off me."
It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting fucked at the same time.
And picture this, if it was a model 1 Genesis, it would have been even more of a spectacular mess.
And there's metal prongs you have to insert into its... slot.
I mean, there's something wrong here, this whole thing is just a mound of cockadookie.
So what does the 32X do? Well, it's compatible with all your 16-bit Genesis games.
But it also has its own library of 32-bit games.
Oh, you gotta love this. No end labels on the cartridges. May I ask why?
Here's the Genesis games. You can read 'em. You can see what they are.
If I'm trying to pick out a game, I can just visually scan my eyeballs across them without having to do this.
Oh, what's this? Oh, oh, Virtua Fighter? What's this? Oh, Star Wars? What's this? Primal Rage?
The same thing as Atari. Labeled.
Not labeled.
Labeled.
Not labeled.
Labeled.
And not labeled. Even Nintendo's guilty of the same thing.
If you labeled the older games, why can't you do the same to the newer ones?
Who came along and said, "Okay, we're gonna have better graphics, better games, and - oh, those end labels gotta go."
When did this idea of simple convenience become obsolete?
Now, about the 32X, hooking up this bastard is just insane.
Believe it or not, like the Sega CD, it has its own fucking power adapter.
That's great. I mean, now you got three.
And trying to hook 'em all up at the same time is a freakin' nightmare.
Let's look at the most minimum amount of effort it could possibly take.
So I'm plugging into the TV. I mean, now, I obviously can't plug in all three of these things.
So here's the most basic power strip you can get. Every big store sells these things. These are common.
So I plug in my fucking power strip or whatever.
Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit.
What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad?
I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit.
Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways?
Or better yet, why the hell do they have these box things?
Why can't it just be like this?
Even the Atari 5200, with its hugeass box, it still ends with a normal plug.
You know, that really pisses me off.
I even have a camera, which I just bought this year, and it has a box like that.
We live in the year 2007, and they can't figure out that shit like that takes up too much room?
These fucking things should be banned!
Have these!
Not these!
So anyway, let's fire this monster up and play some Primal Rage.
Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all.
What is this? W- wait a minute...
Oh please, God, tell me what's going on.
Why can't I see the characters?
I'm playing invisible Primal Rage!
Alright, let's try Virtual Fighter.
What the fuck?!
Guess what? We left something out.
There's another cable, which connects to the Genesis to the 32X.
Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted onto the top of the Genesis?
Why does it need another connector?
Look at this. It's a fucking mess.
And what a perfect visual analogy.
Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis.
And that's exactly what the freakin' thing looks like.
It's on life support.
So, there's Primal Rage, which, to my recollection, looks nowhere near as good as the arcade.
In fact, I'm not even sure how much even better it looks in the Genesis version.
You got all the moves, the farting, the puking, the pissing, which I can't do,
so if you want to try that out, be my guest.
I mean, that's what I hate about this game, the moves. They're so awkward.
Especially the fatality moves. I mean, just forget about it.
It's always something like "hold these 3 buttons and then tap some weird combination on the control pad".
I don't know why they make any moves that require you to hit Up.
Because, you know what happens? You jump!
I'm sorry, but when I have to download a move list and remember all kinds of combinations of buttons,
that just ruins the game for me.
Then you got Doom, which is one of my all-time favorites, but the music sounds like shit.
Compare it to the Super Nintendo version.
Also, the Super Nintendo version has more levels.
The only thing it lacks is the graphics. They're horrible.
On the 32X, they're better, but, my point is, everything should be better.
Now you got Virtua Fighter.
It was one of the first 3D fighting games, and it sure looks like it.
I really hate how every time you jump, it's like you're on the moon.
God, the control sucks.
And the characters acts like they have problems.
Now we got Star Wars.
Yeah, it's a arcade classic, but, I don't know about this one. The graphics are... balls.
Everything looks like a polygon, and it's putting me to sleep.
Like my Sega CD video, keep in mind, I'm limited to how many games I can review.
I'm aware that I'm leaving out popular ones such as Snatcher on the Sega CD, and Knuckles' Chaotix on the 32X.
But remember, if I don't have the game, I can't review it.
It doesn't matter, anyway, because I wanted to focus on the console itself.
The bottom line, the 32X sucked.
And it was one of the biggest failures of all-time.
And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles,
they released a few CD 32X games, which require both the 32X and the Sega CD!
So if you happen to own both this pile of vomit and this piece of shit, you can mix the two together!
So you can clearly see, the 32X was just not worth it.
And gamers were too smart to be suckered in,
because they knew that this piece of junk would be abandoned shortly, because the Sega Saturn was on its way.
Hell, it was already out in Japan, so nobody gave two fucks about this beast.
It cost about $150 when it first came out.
And the only people who bought it, they had mechanical problems,
so, on top of that, there was rumors that it could damage your Genesis games.
And I don't even know if that was true or not.
The Sega Saturn was released in the U.S. about six months later.
Only about 40 games or maybe less came out for the 32X before it bit the dust.
I mean, what kind of marketing was that?
What were they thinking?!
And on top of that, Sega had yet another console planned in between, called the Neptune, which was scrapped pretty quickly.
All it was gonna be is a standalone 32X anyway. Which was what it should have fucking been in the first place!
So not only was the Saturn on the way,
but so was the PlayStation, and the Nintendo 64.
Gamers knew it was a better idea to just wait.
And stores was selling the 32X for about $20.
I got mine at a flea market for $2.50!
I'm dead fucking serious.
Now, excuse me. I gotta send this fucking shit back to the fires of Hell.