This comes from one of you, our viewers.
"How to reduce children's stress and frustration?"
-One of the most important things we do as a parent is train program and teach our children
through our own example.
-And a lot of this is not even noticed.
-Right.
And if anything else if we can raise your awareness today about what it is you're modeling
for your children.
So, for example, stress and frustration.
Those usually come up because we feel that things are not the way they should be.
And that triggers an emotional response.
Well, we as parents have an emotional response when we don't think things are how it should
be.
-Exactly.
-Our kids are going to pick up on that.
-Well, and I think that they...
What are the things that is really hard as a parent is that they pick up on your reaction
to their stress.
-Right.
-And so, they'll see you or your stress kind of increasing as their stress is increasing
which actually makes it harder for them to calm back down.
So, one of the big keys when we're reacting to our child's stress or how to deal with
it is to kind of take a step back and keep our self calm.
To remain kind of more calm.
Take a deep breath and kind to detach for a moment.
-Check a few things here.
Check your face.
Check your posture.
Your body language.
Check your voice.
We want to maintain calm voice, face and body because that's going to model for our children
how to handle it.
We're not going to spend time on this video to talk about all the psychology behind this.
Here's the bottom line: Whatever is going on that's causing the stress and frustration
is neutral.
I get in trouble for saying this sometimes.
-I know.
-But honestly, it's just whatever it is.
It could always be better.
It could always be worse.
And you're amazing imagination has your dreaming of scenarios of things that are either better
or worse than what you're dealing with.
It's probably enough for now to acknowledge that.
That it's a neutral circumstance.
And we're putting a judgement on it.
Now, it's going to be really hard to swallow that if something just went totally wrong,
right?
When you think something totally went totally wrong, it's because it's just violated your
expectation of how you thought it was going to go or how it should go.
-It's a thought.
It's a judgement, your thought.
You're giving it value that it went wrong.
-Right.
-So, just be aware that your thoughts are driving that emotion.
-And we're asking you to just notice it, okay?
You don't have to change how you think.
But if you'll go to that level of noticing that you're doing that, it puts you in a position
of choice.
And that's going to help you model being calm for your child.
We've talked a lot on this channel about consequences which are constant challenge for parents,
right?
You know this.
At the end of the day, we as parents don't really want our kids to have consequences.
Is that fair?
-Especially if it's going to make them sad, meh, unhappy.
-Right.
Because you love this little guys, right?
You love them no matter what and even if.
Remember that's your job as a parent.
And because of our love, we really don't want them to experience difficulty, pain, frustration.
-Discomfort.
-Disappointment.
Right.
So, when push come to shove, we really don't want our kids to have consequences.
But we got this dilemma because we want them to learn things.
-And we want them to be resilient.
-Yes.
It's actually consequences, appropriate consequences that are going to teach your children not
only responsibility but resiliency.
-And that is such a buzz word and so important.
Especially in education field.
Because if you have a child who is resilient and will keep trying, shows grit, then the
prediction of their success is so much higher.
-There's a well known fact that if a baby bird is hatching from an egg and you think,
"Oh, the poor little thing, it's struggling so hard to get out of that shell."
And you crack the open and just release it, you'e done a huge disservice to that little
chick.
It doesn't develop the strength.
That doesn't give the body fortitude that it needs to actually survive.
And you can actually endanger that chick's life.
In a similar way, if we rescue our children from the appropriate consequences that come
with their choices and they're behavior, we've just robbed them.
-Right.
-So, we have to kind of reframe that when our child frustrated or feeling some stress,
we need to reframe it in our own mind that we're seeing this as opportunity to grow in
resiliency and to learn how to handle frustration versus "I've got to save them."
Right?
And that doesn't mean that we want them to just be frustrated throwing...
You know, sometimes, maybe we're asking this question how do I help my child deal with
frustration?
Meaning, how do I help them get out of a tantrum.
Now, that's different.
So, it's important for them to have frustration and then learn some great ways to deal with
their frustration because you are going to have frustration in this lifetime.
Right?
-Remember, you're modeling this to them by the way that you handle frustration.
-Right.
-That's what we invited you first to be aware of.
At this level, understand that they're handling consequences builds resilience in them.
And so, we don't want to rob them of that opportunity.
Allow the consequences to happen.
And then assist them with appropriate ways to deal with those consequences.
-A while ago, I was listening to an address from a gentleman.
And he explained that when we try to solve the problems for our children, even as adults,
like when we are trying to solve the problem for a child who is an adult.
We are sending a message "I don't think you can really do this.
I'll step in and do it for you."
And so, we need to be very careful that we are sending this message very strong and very
confidently that "I know you can handle this."
Their frustration is real.
"But I know you can handle it.
And I'm here to support you."
-This gets right back to where we're talking about with the rescuing or bailing them out
from consequences.
Wow, that really struck a cord with me, Vicki when you said that.
Because we don't intend to send a message of disempowerment to our children.
-I realize that I've been sending that message to some of my adult kids by the way I was
handling some things in trying to make it better for them.
-And you just want to be helpful, right?
You want to make their life easier.
You want to crack that egg and open for them.
I mean we come by on this as parents.
Because we love our kids.
And if you're doing job, you're going to feel that dilemma.
Noticing it.
-Just be aware that that message needs to be, "I know you can handle this.
I trust you."
-I have to insert something here from psychology.
Because we count through years of research and clinical experience that the common belief
that's underneath every fear is the belief that "I can't handle it."
That generates fear and anxiety.
So, what we're talking about here is important on that level as well.
We're sending a consistent strong message --YOU CAN HANDLE THIS.
And you have to have that confidence as a parent too.
If you don't believe your kid can handle it, you're going to bail them out.
-You know, it actually takes me back...
Something came to my mind.
When we were dating and we're both college students and it was finals week.
Oh, my goodness, you know if you've been through college, finals week is terrible.
It's just there's no sleep.
It's very busy time.
At the same time, Paul's parents had a home photography business.
And he made a lot of money by developing different pictures and fulfilling some...
-I worked in this photo lab.
-He was in photo lab.
And I remember his mother coming to him.
We we're right in the middle of finals.
We were studying really hard and I was feeling nervous that we would get nervous for you.
And your mom said, "Hey, we've got this ordered and it needs to be done today."
Blah, blah, blah.
And I remember feeling like, "Oh, don't put more pressure on him."
And I think I may have said something.
And she said, "No, I know he can get it done.
I'm not worried about it."
So, she really sent that message.
"I know you can do it."
-Yeah.
-And he did.
He got it all done.
-Now, Vicki, what we've just talked about, the messages that we send our children sometimes
are intended and one of the destructive messages kids pick up has something to do with this:
"Can I ever be good enough for my mom?"
-Yeah, we sure don't want to send that message.
But we do sometimes unintentionally.
-And it's because of our expectations.
Now, you just shared an example of my mom who empowered me in so many ways because she
really did believe I can handle anything she threw at me.
-And she believes in work.
-And that has served me well.
Now, the flip side of that is if we constantly have a higher expectation.
We can inadvertently send the message to our children that they're not good enough.
Or they might pick up that message even though we don't intend it.
I think the most important thing here is just to be aware of whatever you're expectations
are.
And there's a balance here.
I think it's good to spend a little bit of times sending a message to our kids that they
are good enough.
That they're awesome.
That they don't need to change anything.
That they're good right there where they are.
And then pause.
Pause for a moment.
Let that sink in.
Let them enjoy it.
And then at an appropriate time you can say, "And here's what next."
-Right.
-And we move on to create the upgrade.
-I think it's just recognize within yourself and the messages send that their value cannot
and will not change by what they do.
-Right.
-However, our actions will bring about more opportunities for us.
And so, that's what we're looking at.
And so, just remember that their value is not going to change.
And so, if we send that message, your value won't change for me.
By doing worse, you value won't change to me.
And that kind of takes away some of that "Can I be good enough for my mom?
Because she expects too much of me.
Or she expects me to fail?"
-I want to apply that to you right now as a conscious ,loving parent.
You are doing a great job.
You are a good, benevolent, generous loving parent.
Now, pause.
Soak that in.
How awesome is that?
And Here's what's next.
You've got this as a parent.
And you don't have to do it alone.
Did you know that we have some enormous resources available for you as a conscious parent at
Live On Purpose Central where we've brought everything together to help you be the parent
you want to be.
There's a link in the description.
Come join us at Live On Purpose Central.