Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach all over the world about parenting,
good communications, building strong family relationships.
And in this video, I'm going to be talking about how parents forget their parental roles.
It really does happen, parents forget their parental roles all the time.
Children can sometimes catch us off guard. They can trick us. Sometimes we haven't even had the right
upbringing by our own parents to know how to live according to our parental rules. If that's the case,
I've got some book recommendations for you. In this video, we're going to talk about parental roles.
What they should be like and then what parents often do when they are not living according to
their parental roles. So, how they get tricked essentially? So, pay attention. Here's a quick book
recommendation for you one that you're not going to want to miss. In fact, I usually recommend people
read this first when they start learning about my teaching self-government parenting system. This one
is called Popular Parenting Methods and this book will teach you the different types of parenting
styles that there are and which ones might actually undermine your parental authority.
I know that many people want their children to respect them and love them. They want to have a
type of parental authority with their children but many many times they are allowing their children
to display the wrong types of behaviors which actually makes it so that the children fall out of
affection with their parents and when that happens they lose respect too. So, take a look at that it
will help you in your roles. There is another book I would like to recommend at this time and the
that book is Roles the secret to family business and social success. This is a book that actually
gives you conversations you can have with your children so that you can strengthen your parental
authority and strengthen your roles with them and you learn it through a story. You see this family
go through a change where they get on the same page in their relationships and improve their
communications at the same time. It is important that a family understands each other's roles
in order to establish good parental authority. Many people think that just being friendly to
a child will help a child have good affection and love for them. But I want to tell you something ,
if you are just friendly but you don't actually do all the corrections and things that you
need to your child will actually lose respect for you and fall out of love with you, this is a
problem. So, this brings me to some of the traps that parents might experience or fall into and
start to lose their parental authority and not even know it. So, let's talk about some of those.
But before we talk about some of these traps click on the subscribe button now.
This channel has a lot of videos that are going to help you maintain your parental authority
and they're going to give you the skills you need so that you can be calm in your parenting
and touch the hearts of your children like you want to. So, click on the subscribe button now.
When I was young I struggled with my relationships with my parents and I know they probably got most
of their gray hairs from me. My dad wanted me to just honor him but I wanted to question him all
of the time. In fact, I was constantly talking back to him and then he was constantly telling me about
he was how he was the boss and so I needed to do what he said I needed to do. But you know this just
wasn't good enough for me. I felt like what does it mean you're the boss? How does that help me in
any way respect you and sure enough that did not increase respect at all. It wasn't until I realized
that I could determine outcomes with my parents by saying okay and being okay that I chose to change
and stop talking back and being so rude and stuff all of the time and then guess what? My parents
start stopped bossing me around as much and voila, our relationships changed. It was kind of magical.
I'm so glad that I had a great neighbor who told me, "Hey, Nicholeen you could get better
outcomes with your parents if you just chose to say okay and be okay", and I had no idea that
it would strengthen my role as a daughter and that it would help my parents in their role as parents
too. I hadn't even considered roles but it's something that I probably should have considered.
Boss wasn't a role that I honored but my parents did have a role in the family and I needed to
acknowledge that. So, what's one thing that parents can fall into as far as a trap? Declaring that they
are the boss, they are the authority, and that the children need to do everything that they say.
People do not respond well to that. That is authoritarian parenting and it turns people off.
It even turns children off. In their heart, they'll recognize something wasn't true, something wasn't
right. Even if they do what you say because they're afraid of you. So, making your children
fear you or dropping down the hammer and making them comply because you declare you're the boss
is short-sighted you'll damage relationships. Which means that their attachment to you will
struggle and then they won't want to do the things you want them to do. The opposite of that type of
parenting is the modern progressive parenting and this is when people just try to be their
children's friends. Being your child's friend does not necessarily increase their respect for you.
It can help someone respect their parents but by and large when a parent just is friendly to
a child and lets a child do whatever they want the children become more and more insistent entitled
and even belligerent to their parents. More parents contacted me with problems with their children
respecting them who are modern progressive than the ones who are bully fear-based. So, what's the
second way that parents forget their parental roles? They try to take on a different role and
that role is friend trying to be your child's friend is never going to increase the respect
or maintain your parental role. Another thing that parents do which actually ruins their
parental role is they get consumed with the thought that these interactions are about them
as a parent, they're not. They're about the child. The parent needs to focus on teaching the child
not about how they feel as a parent. Parents start to take things personally and when they do this is
damaging to the relationship and to the teaching moment that they're trying to have with the child.
So, one thing that a parent can do to keep themselves in the right zone with their
parenting is remember, they're just doing teaching. They don't need to take anything
personally and they just need to stay focused and engaged on the teaching be calm through it
all. This leads me to another one, parents often get caught up with how they feel in the moment or that
day and they start to take it out on the children. This also makes it so that they forget who they
are to the children. I hope you're understanding that identity to the child is a big thing.
Also, role of the child is their identity as well. Everyone needs to maintain proper identity to
have family unity and connection as a group. So, if you're caught up in what's happened that day or
in that minute and you're overfocusing on the little details that are occurring the eye roll
stuff like that then you are going to actually end up jeopardizing your parental authority
because you will start a power struggle. As soon as you start a power struggle with your children
your children disconnect from you and then you lose role in their heart. So, in order to maintain
the rules we've got to keep the hearts united together. A big thing parents do that actually
decreases their parental role is they start arguing with the children. They debate things
and they allow the children to talk back to them. Children should use a skill called disagreeing
appropriately. This is a great skill that I teach in my teaching self-government parenting course
and you can use that skill with any age children down to age two. So, really, anyone can learn it so
long as they're verbal enough and even if it comes across a little silly and cute because
they're tiny it's really a great thing for them to start learning. So, when your child learns to
disagree appropriately they learn to be calm with you while they're sharing their point of view.
Listening to your point of view and having a good mature discussion. But when a child talks back they
are just trying to get dominance in a conversation. Really, that what they want is to be understood.
So, help your children know you will understand them always you will take that time if they use
the skill disagreeing appropriately. Now, this one is one you might not catch yourself doing.
So, pay attention. The media gives messages all the time about parents and children. They show parents
interacting with children. They show dysfunction in family relationships. Many parents make the mistake
of taking their social cues for the family from the media social cues. Do not learn how to interact
with your children from the media, or from social media, from other people's posts. That is not the
way to learn social interaction with your children. Your children need to know you personally. They
need to know the greatest version of you. They need to know that you are an important and great person
in their lives and what the media is doing to the identity of parents right now is very damaging.
Do not embrace that. Do not laugh at it. In fact, point it out to your children say, "You know, that's really
sad. That's sad if the media thinks that's the way that I should behave to you. Because I think that's
just an attitude problem and that parent isn't listening very much to that other child and the
child doesn't think they can talk to their parents and I want us to always be able to talk together".
expose it. Show the child that that's also not what they should believe should happen and you know
what, if it's just too much entertainment like that don't watch it either. Go back and find some old
movies that have good better communication. What the Andy Griffith show. You know watch little Opie
talk to his dad, that's good communication parent and child. So, don't take your cues from the media
because the media doesn't know you or your child and sometimes I wonder if they're
just trying to make us all dependent on them for everything even how we communicate with each other.
One key thing that you can do to maintain your role in your family is to have calmness and since
you have stayed to the end of this video I have a free gift for you my calm parenting toolkit.
I have a 10-lesson tool kit that parents can use to stay calm when their children are going out of
control and to help their children be calm too and if you click on the link that's in the description
below this video you can have that calm parenting tool kit for free. The link is teachselfgov.com/toolkit.
So, click on the link to that video now and get the teaching self-government calm
parenting toolkit for free. Now, this isn't my full course it's a mini-course but it will start you
out learning about skills and principles that you need for calmness so that you can maintain
good roles in your relationships. Click on the link to that video now and I'll see you there.