Welcome to part 5 of our series on how addicts and alcoholics manipulate their
families and everyone else around them. for those of you don't know me I'm Amber
Hollingsworth founder of hope for families Recovery Center. And,so trust me
when I tell you, my staff and I have seen a lot of manipulation tactics. and
I'm gonna call tactic number 5 "I promise". Because this is where the addict and
alcoholic promises to do better.
now sometimes the Addict or Alcoholic has no intention of doing better, they're
just trying to get you off their case. It may not make sense, because you
may be thinking "well they know I'm gonna find out if they kept doing it". But
you've got to understand, the nature of addiction is just about five more
minutes. It's not about them thinking I'm going get away with this forever. It's
about trying to get you off their back, or just buy themselves the next five
minutes, or the next use, or the next drink. They're not thinking long-term they are
in survival mode. They'll do anything to buy that next five minutes to get you
off their cas,e to get some money from you, to get you to cover for them, to get
you to not tell somebody else that piece of information that you know. Which is
actually manipulation tactic number three, so if you haven't watched that one,
definitely check that out. It's called splitting. I was thinking
about this the other day, how I asked a friend wants to for some gas money and I
didn't want it for gas (of course). But I wanted it for was probably booze, and he was
smart enough to take me to the gas station. So I just went inside
paid $20, chatted, and left. And then I just filled up a few bucks, and then I
went in and told the attendant that I had topped off. )That it was like maxed
out)), so I would take the change back, So yeah so it's like super I mean it's like
theft right. Because you gave me money, but I didn't even give me the money for
one thing. You gave it to somebody else, and then I just found a loophole yeah. To
me that's just like everything is being transactional. It's like, oh you
know I'd giet myself into some hot situation. I'm in jail I need to get
bailed out. So, l I promise when I get out I'll go to AA meetings. I'll go to
treatment. I'll do whatever you want if you just get me out of jail, because this
is scary you know. And not having any intention of
filling those promises. I just need to say whatever I need to say to get out of
the situation I'm in, and then I could literally, laugh in their face a week
later. And be like, I'm not doing that because now I'm out of jail. They can't put
me back in, and then (one better) the next thing is... Why do you even
believe me? I'm a drug addict. Yeah yeah, I've lied to you some many times. Then use
that against you. For sure, like what do you think I'm
gonna tell you. I was in jail. I didn't want to be in there anymore. I would have told
you anything to get out. You didn't know that? And again with
the gaslighting. You make them feel crazy. You make them feel crazy for their
own emotions. Emotions that I purposely tried to cause them to have. But sometimes, addicts
or alcoholics make these promises ( promises to do better) not because they're intending to
deceive or manipulate you. But because, they mean it. Sometimes
(especially if something difficult happens), the addicted person thinks
themselves, "I am so sick of this". They're having one of those moments of clarity. Moments when
they're ready to do something different. And during that time, they're gonna make
promises to themselves (and sometimes to the people around them). Now in this
situation, it's not so much that they don't mean it. It's more that they have
no idea of what its gonna take to actually pull that off. So if you hear
your loved one making promises, like "I'm gonna cut it back". or " I'm gonna stop", or "I'm only
gonna do it on weekends", or "I'm done I promise"....
Here's what I want you to know... The promise has to be backed up by some kind
of action. You're looking for a change that will sustain them being able to keep that promise.
Just because they mean it, doesn't mean that they're gonna be able to pull it
off. If they don't start doing some things differently, they're not gonna be
able to make a real change, without changing a whole lot of other stuff. So
if you don't see some action steps ( going along with that promise), I'll make you a
little promise. It ain't gonna work. So don't fall for it. Amber here...
interrupting your regularly scheduled video, with two exciting bonuses for you.
The first one is for family members, on how to actually respond to
these manipulation tactics. If you'd like to download the free guide, just click
the link in the description below. The second bonus is... the sixth manipulation
tactic. I kept hearing this theme come up when I was doing interviews for this
video. And I decided, I just couldn't leave it out. So the sixth manipulation
tactic (as if there weren't enough of them),
is being too fragile. It's kind of the opposite of the pufferfish,
are the starting an argument tactic, in video number four. It's actually..... "I can't be
held responsible for myself, because I'm too fragile". "I might fall apart". You can't
confront me, because I might not be able to rebound back from that. And that might
even make me have to drink (or use) more. So, it's this idea of playing poor
pitiful little me. I can't handle the world around me. Which means, I can't be
held responsible for my behaviors and actions. Just check out what Lucas and
Andrew have to say about this tactic. Amber: Did you ever do the poor pitiful me tactic? Lucas: A couple instances if had
come up. So one time, when I was in jail, I told my mom, that someone in
there, had made some motions at me. Like they were going to assault me. And I
think I even said sexuallL. like I was gonna get raped, and a guy had already told
me he was gonna do it. And what do you think that does to a mother ? She's got the
bail bondsmen on the phone. Telling him, "I'm getting him out". She's ready to kick down the
doors, and I remember the bail bondsman's was like, "that's not true, like I know
that jail. Your kid is making stuff up". And he kind of called me on it.
And I just held true to it. And, I ended up getting out. Amber: Because, when you watch movies,
that's what happens. Lucas: Yeah. Amber: So, in a moms head, that's what happens in jail".
Lucas: Oh for sure, and then another big instance is when I was in treatment.
( the time it actually worked, and I got clean and sober and
everything . But I went to a wilderness treatment and I played on my mom with
the stuff that moms and grandmas worry about, which is ...They're not feeding me
enough. They're working me too hard. I'm not safe here.
You know, It's all about...I'm not safe. You need to come get me. And luckily,
they had been coached heavily by the treatment center . Told that I was gonna
call you , and that i'd say this this this and that . And I mean I read the
script of what they said. Amber: It's pretty predictible. Lucas: Yeah it's very predictible.
Lucas: And, they're (the treatment center) is like ...This is how you respond. With mom, I feel like with mom
you always go the avenue of like I'm not safe. And with dad, the manipulation
tactic, is that this place is ripping you off.
They're not even doing treatment with me. Dad, I mean you're paying for
nothing dad. You've just been getting ripped off by these people. I mean
they're not doing me any good. And, they're certainly not doing your wallet
any good. You take dad with the more practical approach of... This
place is a ripoff. It's a scam. They're just ripping you off. And with moms, you
could definitely get them with the heartstrings stuff. I'm not safe. I'm not fed. Oh
yeah, and then pressing buttons, you know. I just had that whole control board in
front of me, and I knew exactly what button to press (for each person) to get them to
give me the emotion I needed. Andrew: If we want something (in addiction) , we'll just go to
the ends of the earth to get it. mm-hmm and then and then we'll deal with the
repercussions later, (or the hurt that we caused other people)