-Welcome back, everybody.
I'm about to show you some books
that you should avoid at all costs.
It's time for my latest installment
of my Do Not Read List. Here we go.
♪ Do not read, do not read ♪
♪ Do not read these books, these books ♪
-And before we start, I just want you all to know
that every book that I'm about to show you is 100% real.
These are actual books. You can find them on Amazon
or wherever you get your books from.
These are real.
Let's see what's on my Do Not Read list.
This first one up here is a book called
"Computer Programs for the Kitchen"...
[ Laughter ] by Terence F. Dicker.
There's -- There's Terence Dicker.
He's got his computer out on the table
next to all the food he made.
You can barely tell the computer's out there.
I get -- I get hangry just looking at it.
Let's -- Oh, look at the back here.
It says, "Exciting ways to ease
kitchen and cooking chores with a personal computer."
Let's see an example.
Oh, here's one right here.
Keeping track of your kitchen inventory
by hand-typing a 26-page computer program...
[ Laughter ]
...that has probably almost 4,000 lines of code.
[ Laughter ]
So that will save me a ton of time.
That's pretty cool.
Thanks. Thanks, Chef Dicker.
[ Laughter ]
Next book... [ Applause ]
...is called, uh...
Oh, yeah. This is a good one here.
This is called "The Educated Cat:
How to Teach Your Cat to do Tricks."
Uh, yeah.
Like apparently playing a dueling piano
at an old saloon, maybe. For cats.
Let's see what other tricks you got in here.
I love cat tricks, man.
Oh, this one's an interesting trick here.
It's two cats kind of crammed in a stroller.
[ Laughter ]
That's interesting.
Let's see what other tricks they got here.
-That was the trick? [ Laughter ]
-Yeah, that's the trick. [ Laughter ]
Here's another trick here. This is a good one.
It's another cat in a stroller. [ Laughter ]
They put the glasses on the cat. -I see.
-Oh, man.
-"America's Got Talent," are you watching?
[ Laughter ]
Some good tricks, man. [ Applause ]
"You tricked me, man.
I thought you had a cat in the stroller."
[ Laughter ]
"I did, actually."
I thought it didn't have 20/20 vision.
[ Laughter ]
He tricked you again.
He's perfectly fine. [ Laughter ]
Good. Good stuff. Let's check out another one.
This one's a children's book.
It's called "Mac's Choice:
A Story About Choices and Drug Use."
There's a caterpillar and a cockroach on the cover there.
This is cool. I saw this earlier.
It's signed by the author,
and gifted to a kid by an aluminum company.
[ Laughter ]
Makes sense.
Let's just go to the end here, see what happens here.
It says, "Mac was all alone now.
He started to shake badly as his body craved more cocaine."
[ Laughter ] -Wait. What?
-"Anyway, good night, kids." [ Laughter ]
Turn the lights off.
[ Laughter continues ]
-Wait. -Have a good night's sleep.
Next is a young adult novel. They're always popular.
They're always having helpful lessons about growing up, life.
This one should help, as well.
This one is called "Mom is Dating Weird Wayne."
[ Laughter ]
Look, we've all been there. Mom is looking for love,
hits the dating scene, and suddenly a dude
dressed up as Dracula starts coming over for dinner.
[ Laughter ]
"If you vant to, you can call me dad."
[ Laughter ]
"We're not there yet.
We're not there yet, dad.
So I'm gonna call you Vlad."
[ Laughter ]
We're down to our last book, guys, unfortunately.
This is a -- Please. -Oh.
-Come on, man. -Anyway, look,
there's other things we have to get to.
There's interviews, there's a show.
You know, it's a busy week, you know?
-Okay. So we're down to our last book.
It's a how-to book.
It's called "Two-Hour Vests," by Mary Jo Hiney.
[ Laughter ]
Vests I can make in two hours?
Now we're talking.
Let's see what we can make here.
There's a lot of them.
We have the "Young at Heart," the "Now and Forever,"
"Moments in Time," "Breath of Fresh Air."
[ Laughter ]
Let's see that one.
"Breath of Fresh Air," which is nice and breezy there.
Ooh, yeah, look at this.
Yeah, that makes sense. Because when I think of
"fresh air" I think of the color brown.
[ Laughter ]
Kamal, can I get some "fresh air" music, please?
♪♪
Let's read this right here.
"Breath of fresh air.
Small talk smothers you.
You prefer quiet company.
Soft and simple contemplation by the fire.
To all who love you,
your serenity and ease are a breath of fresh air."
Yeah. "Your vest speaks softly
of the comfort that you desire."
[ Laughter and applause ]
So by wearing it, you're the breath of fresh air.
-Ah, yeah. -You get it now?
-Yeah, yeah.
-That's all the time we have for "Do Not Read."
If you have a book that you think should be on
our next Do Not Read list, send your titles to
donotread@tonightshow.com.
Stick around. We'll be right back with Shailene Woodley.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Took two hours. Two hours -- that's it.
♪♪