- So what can you do if the new person
that you're dating
is moving way too fast? (car honking)
(engine revving)
Maybe you like this person,
but they're just going too fast for the particular moment
and you want to slow it down without screwing up
the relationship because, of course, you like this person.
What can you do?
And this question actually came up twice
this last week on my "Manifest Your Man" coaching program
because these women are attracting guys,
they're meeting these great guys.
And what's phenomenal is these guys
are wanting to move things over,
but because these two particular women
are seeing multiple men, they want things to slow down.
And so there's two scenarios that I'll explain.
The first scenario was this.
This particular client was dating this guy
and she's like, "I like this guy and I want to hang out,"
but he was texting her every day
and sometimes multiple times a day
and she's like, "I like him.
I'm just not that sold on him yet
'cause there's a couple other guys that I'm in talks with,
I'm busy, I'm working
and I don't wanna say, I don't want to hear from him."
And so her question was, "How do I tell him that I want
to hear from him, just less,
without it blowing up the connection?"
And she goes, "I've done this before
where I've completely said the wrong thing
and it blew it up."
Here's what's interesting.
So much about having great relationships
is simply about having the words to say in these moments,
these pivotal moments that matter.
And so today I'm gonna share
with you something called The R.E.S.E.T. Method.
(bell dinging)
And this is a method that I came up with for how
to reset the relationship back to the pace that feels good
to you without actually pushing the person away.
And so these are the exact steps
that I shared with the client.
So R.E.S.E.T. is an acronym
and the R stands for reassure yourself that it's hard
to screw up the right thing.
The first thing you want to do is get yourself in a state
of confidence and calm.
And if you're worried that you might blow up
the relationship, if you're worried
that you speaking your needs of asking for what you want,
that the person's gonna get angry or reject you,
or you might lose something that you want,
that fear of loss is gonna cause stress.
The other person's gonna pick up on that stress,
they're gonna interpret it a certain kind of way,
way better, is to put yourself in a state of calm confidence
by reassuring yourself, you know what?
It's hard to screw up the right thing.
And so even if you speak your needs
and you're gonna ask for exactly what you want,
if this person is the right person for you,
they're gonna understand
and the two of you're gonna
be able to work your way through it.
So that's the R, the first R is reassure yourself.
It's hard to screw up the right thing.
The E is express what you like about him.
It's really important that if he's going
to get turned down, the volume and the place
is gonna slow down, it's super easy for that person
to interpret that action as, "Well,
this person doesn't like me
and so therefore maybe I should protect myself.
Maybe I should reject them.
Maybe I should go and find somebody else."
But if you reassure them that you are interested in them,
it helps calm that fear that they have.
So in this particular instance,
this woman could say something like,
"Hey, I really like you.
I'm really interested in exploring
where this thing might go."
The S stands for speak your needs.
And it's super important that you speak exactly
what your needs are in this moment
and that you're clear on what those are.
So in this particular client's situation, I said,
"Well, how many times a week
would you love to hear from him?"
And she goes, "Well, I would love to hear from him two
or three times a week, just not two or three times a day."
And I said, "Okay, that's clear.
How much do you want to hang out with him?"
And she goes, "I want to go on one date
a week with him right now
and then if we start becoming more interested
in one another, more committed, it can go from there.
But at this moment, that's the pace that I would love."
And I said, "Okay, it's super important that you speak
that clearly to this guy so that he knows where you stand."
The risk is you water down your needs.
You don't really speak your needs
'cause you're afraid that it might push the person away
and then they agree to your needs
and it still doesn't meet the mark for you.
So you wanna speak your needs.
So in this case, she opens up with
what she likes about him saying, "Hey, I really like you
and I'm excited to see where this goes."
And then she speaks her needs.
Nuance to this step.
Use the word and when you start this sentence.
So it would be, "I like you, I wanna see where this goes
and in order to really explore this relationship
and give myself full permission to kind of lean in,
I'd love to slow down the pace
at which we're going right now.
We're texting a few times a day
and what I would really love is with that space
to communicate two or three times a week
and maybe we hang out once a week
and that pace would really feel good to me.
Are you in for that?"
So that kind of request, if you say,
"I really like you and I'm excited
to see where things go, but we're moving too fast
and I wanna slow things down,"
that but really erases the first compliment
that you gave them, erases the real sentiment
that you have that you're interested.
Now the next E is empathy and encouragement
Is where you acknowledge
that it might be tough news to receive,
but you encourage them again
that you guys are on the right track.
So you can say something like, "You know,
I know this might not be the news that you expected to hear
or the news you want to hear,
but I want you to know that I really do like you
and I'm interested in seeing where this goes."
And then the T is to thank that person.
And so that's the R.E.S.E.T.eset method.
It's beautiful.
And so this woman implemented that method
and she came back, she was like,
"Oh my gosh, like it totally worked.
He was totally fine with that."
And now we've got the rhythm and the breathing room
that feels good to her
and she can feel herself relax and lean in.
So let's now talk about the second scenario that came up.
And this one's a bit more intense
because this other client slept with this guy
before she was ready.
Now she really likes this guy
and she wants things to keep going,
but she was like, "I can't believe I did that.
There's just so much connection, so much chemistry.
Like I never do that a we totally slept together.
And now I'm freaking out about what to do.
And I feel like if I tell him I don't wanna sleep
with him until later, that that sort of bait and switch,
it changes the game.
Like I should have said that earlier."
She's, "He's gonna feel like I don't like him."
And so we went through this exact same process
with the R.E.S.E.T. method.
So the first thing that she did
was she took some deep breaths.
She reassured herself that, "Look, it is hard
to screw up the right thing".
If this is the right guy for her,
she can totally ask for what she wants
and he will lean into that.
So that's the E and that's exactly what she did.
She took some deep breaths,
she was gonna talk to him the next day.
The second E is expressed what you like about him.
So she called him and she goes,
"Hey, I just want you to know
I had the most amazing time with you the other night.
I mean, it was absolutely beautiful and magical for me."
And so that's the reassurance for him.
Then the S is speak your needs, right?
Speak your standards in this relationship.
And she goes, "And as much
as I had an amazing time last night,
that's something that I never do.
And that's something that I reserve for someone
with whom I'm in a committed relationship with.
And we're not quite there yet.
Maybe, and I'm hoping that that might be possible for us,
but what I'd love to do is kind of take a step back
and begin dating on a slower pace sexually with each other.
Are you in for that?
Would you be willing to respect that?"
And to her surprise, he totally leaned in in that moment
and said, "I'm 100% on the same page with you.
I totally respect that.
I'm into that.
I care about you.
I want you to be 100% comfortable."
And she took a deep breath
and then she went through the last E and T,
which was empathy and encouragement.
She goes, "Thank you so much, I know this isn't the news
you might want to hear, but I really appreciate
you understanding and I just wanna say thank you."
And the two of them went forward in the relationship
and it became one of the best relationships
this woman has ever had in her life.
So if you're looking to slow things down
or reset the energy to something that feels comfortable
for you, use this R.E.S.E.T. method.
Because here's the deal, the guy who is right
for you is gonna feel honored, he's gonna feel respected,
and he's gonna lean in
and respect you enough to create something that feels good
and feels comfortable.
Now, if you would love support, if you would love coaching,
if you would love a proven system to call in the love
of your life, to manifest your man, I'm gonna put a link
below this video because once a month we open up enrollment
for the class, "Manifest Your Man."
It is powerful, it is amazing, and it works.
And so if now is your time to call in the love of your life,
I highly encourage you to click that link, check out
that program, and maybe one day you
and I could be working together live and in-person.
I would love that.
I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching.
I'll see you soon.
(light music)