WELCOME.
ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, IF YOU HAVE BEEN READING THE PAPERS OR
WATCHING THE NEWS YOU'LL KNOW IT WAS YET ANOTHER DAY OF BICKERING
FOR LAWMAKERS TODAY IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
THE SUBJECT WAS A PROPOSAL FROM OREGON SENATOR AND SAD BUSINESS
MIME, RON WYDEN.
( LAUGHTER )
THE BIDEN AGENDA WITH SOMETHING CALLED THE BILLIONAIRE'S INCOME
NOW THE DETAILS ARE A LITTLE COMPLEX.
LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT.
OF BILLIONAIRES, THERE'S THIS THING
CALLED TAXES, AND YOU SHOULD PAY ANY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE PROPOSAL--
THE PROPOSAL ONLY AFFECTS PEOPLE WITH $1 BILLION IN ASSETS OR
THOSE EARNING MORE THAN $100 MILLION IN INCOME THREE
YEARS IN A ROW.
OKAY, HERE'S A SIMPLE WAY TO SEE IF IT AFFECTS YOU: TAKE YOUR
SPARE SUPER YACHT TO YOUR THIRD HOUSE THAT'S ON THE PRIVATE
ISLAND SHAPED LIKE YOUR OWN HEAD, LOOK IN YOUR GARAGE.
IF THERE ISN'T A SPACESHIP IN THERE, YOU'RE FINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HAD TO DO ALL THAT CALLING IT A "BILLIONAIRE INCOME
TAX" WAS SMART BRANDING BY THE DEMOCRATS, BECAUSE REPUBLICANS
ARE GOING TO SOUND PRETTY OUT OF TOUCH IF THEY OPPOSE IT, WHICH
THEY IMMEDIATELY DID.
( LAUGHTER )
TELLING A SPOOKY STORY ABOUT A MAN WITH "ONLY ONE HOOUUUSE!
( LAUGHTER )
SEE, CURRENTLY, BILLIONAIRES ONLY PAY TAXES ON THE MONEY THEY
MAKE FROM INVESTMENTS, LIKE STOCK, AFTER THEY SELL THEM.
BUT WYDEN WANTS TO CHANGE THAT, AND ROMNEY THINKS THAT'S BAD
FOR AMERICA.
>> THESE PEOPLE ARE-- THE MULTIBILLIONAIRES ARE GONNA LOOK
AD SAY, "I DON'T WANT TO INVEST IN THE STOCK MARKET,
BECAUSE AS THAT GOES UP, I AM GOING TO GET TAXED.
SO MAYBE I WILL, INSTEAD, INVEST IN A RANCH OR IN PAINTINGS OR
THINGS THAT DON'T BUILD JOBS THAT CREATE A STRONGER ECONOMY.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
( LAUGHTER )
AND PAINTINGS DON'T CREATE JOBS?
TELL THAT TO GARY'S FINE ART EMPORIUM AND DUDE RANCH.
COME ON IN AND LASSO A PICASSO!
( APPLAUSE )
ROPE A STEER AND PEEP A VERMEER!
YEEHAW!
THOSE DEAD GUYS COULD DRAW!
( LAUGHTER )
HAPPEN WITH THIS, EXCEPT THAT JOE MANCHIN IS AGAINST IT, SO
IT'S DEAD.
WHILE NOTHING ON HIS AGENDA WAS GETTING DONE, THE PRESIDENT WAS
IN VIRGINIA YESTERDAY STUMPING IN THE GOVERNOR'S RACE FOR
DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE TERRY McAULIFFE, SEEN HERE LOOKING AT
HIS POLL NUMBERS.
THE RACE IS EXTREMELY CLOSE, EXTREMELY CLOSE,
SO BIDEN CAME IN WITH GUNS BLAZIN' AGAINST MCAULIFFE'S
OPPONENT.
REPUBLICAN NOMINEE AND AND JARED KUSHNER CLONE WHERE THEY FILLED
IN THE GAPS WITH FROG D.N.A., GLENN YOUNGKIN.
BIDEN QUESTIONED WHY YOUNGKIN'S SUDDENLY SO SHY ABOUT HIS TIES
TO THE FORMER PRESIDENT.
>> HE WON'T ALLOW DONALD TRUMP TO CAMPAIGN FOR HIM IN THIS
STATE.
WHAT'S HE TRYING TO HIDE?
IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH TRUMP BEING HERE?
IS HE EMBARRASSED?
>> Stephen: YES, IS HE EMBARRASSED BY THE TANG-FACED,
TROOP-INSULTING FASCIST WITH RACCOON HAIR WHOSE SIGNATURE
SCENT IS BURGER FART?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
EVEN THOUGH YOUNGKIN APPEARS UNTHREATENING, HE'S STILL
TIED TO EXTREMISM.
>> EXTREMISM CAN COME IN MANY FORMS.
IT CAN COME IN THE RAGE OF A MOB DRIVEN TO ASSAULT-- DRIVE TO
ASSAULT THE U.S. CAPITOL.
IT CAN COME IN A SMILE AND A FLEECE VEST.
>> Stephen: HEY, DON'T DRAG FLEECE VESTS INTO THIS!
AS A MIDDLE-AGED MAN, I CAN TELL YOU IT IS IMPOSSIBLE NOT TO
SMILE WHEN YOU'RE SWADDLED IN THE FUZZY EMBRACE OF SOME
PATAGONIA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU'RE NOT TOO HOT, YOU'RE NOT TOO COLD, YOUR CORE IS WARM, BUT
YOUR ARMS ARE FREE TO ROAM.
BUT THE REAL STAR OF THE SHOW LAST NIGHT WAS TERRY McAULIFFE'S
DANCE MOVES!
LOOK AT THAT VANILLA SHAKE!
OKAY, GOVERNOR, MAYBE DANCE LIKE SOMEBODY IS WATCHING.
( LAUGHTER )
McAULIFFE HAS BACKED IT UP LIKE A CAMPAIGN BUS.
HE ALSO BOOGIED WITH BARACK, DID WHATEVER THIS IS WITH KAMALA
HARRIS, AND HERE HE IS LAST WEEK ADVERTISING 0% A.P.R. FINANCING
ON ALL NEW HONDA CIVICS.
( APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO!
IT'S A BREAKTHROUGH.
FORTUNATELY, IF McAULIFFE LOSES THE ELECTION, HE CAN ALWAYS GO
BACK TO HIS DAY JOB AS FOUNDER OF THE "FATHER OF THE BRIDE
DANCE ACADEMY."
"I PAID FOR THIS RECEPTION, AND I'M GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!"
( LAUGHTER )
THIS.
THERE IS SOME GOOD COVID NEWS.
LAST NIGHT, AN F.D.A. PANEL OFFICIALLY RECOMMENDED COVID
SHOTS FOR CHILDREN 5 TO 11.
( APPLAUSE )
HEY, KIDS, GUESS WHO GETS TO GO TO THE DOCTOR TWICE IN THE SPACE
OF THREE WEEKS?
AND DON'T WORRY, HE WILL STAB YOU!
NOW, PARENTS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR A LONG TIME, BUT IT
TOOK A LONG TIME BECAUSE THESE TRIALS WERE THOROUGH.
THE F.D.A. REPORT INCLUDED EVERY CHILD IN THE TRIAL EXPERIENCED,
EVEN IF IT WAS TOTALLY UNRELATED TO THE VACCINE.
FOR INSTANCE, ONE KID SWALLOWED A PENNY.
SO NOW THAT KID IS IMMUNE TO COVID AND VALID FOR ONE WISH IF
YOU TOSS HIM INTO A WELL.
( APPLAUSE )
TOSS HIM INTO THE WELL!
THERE'S ALSO A VACCINE UPDATE FOR ADULTS.
THE C.D.C. ANNOUNCED SOME IMMUNOCOMPROMISED PEOPLE CAN GET
A FOURTH COVID SHOT.
SO FIRST IT WAS "YOU NEED TWO SHOTS."
THEN IT WAS "YOU NEED A BOOSTER."
NOW IT'S "YOU NEED A BOOSTER FOR YOUR BOOSTER."
NEXT, IT'S JUST PUTTING PEOPLE IN THE VAXX BOOTH.
SPEAKING-- SURE, SURE.
SPEAKING OF COVID-- COVID.
IT'S HAD SOME WEIRD, UNPREDICTABLE IMPACTS ON THE
ECONOMY, AND WE'RE LEARNING ABOUT A NEW ONE.
BETWEEN LABOR SHORTAGES AND STUFF SHORTAGES, FOLKS HAVE SEEN
AN ECONOMY-WIDE DECLINE IN SERVICE QUALITY.
FOR EXAMPLE, EVEN THOUGH DISNEY WORLD'S BEEN REOPENED FOR MONTHS
THEY HAVE YET TO RESTART THEIR PARKING LOT TRAM SERVICES,
FORCING VISITORS TO WALK NEARLY A MILE TO ENTER THE PARKS.
OF COURSE, THIS BEING DISNEY, THEY'VE REBRANDED IT "SIMBA'S
BOILING ASPHALT STROLL"
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S ACTUALLY MORE FUN THAN YOU THINK.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
>> Stephen: THIS INCREASED LEVEL OF SUCKING IS HAPPENING
EVERYWHERE.
AIRLINES ARE PUTTING CUSTOMERS ON HOLD FOR HOURS, AND DOMINO'S
IS TAKING LONGER TO DELIVER PIZZAS, FORCING AMERICANS TO
WAIT MORE THAN 30 MINUTES FOR DISAPPOINTMENT.
( LAUGHTER )
EVEN HIGHWAY REST STOPS ARE STRUGGLING TO KEEP UP THE
SAME LEVEL OF SERVICE THAT THEY HAD BEFORE.
AND KEEP IN MIND, THE LEVEL OF SERVICE THEY HAD BEFORE WAS
"EVERYTHING SMELLS LIKE A URINAL CAKE."
( LAUGHTER )
STREET, BECAUSE FREQUENT SURVEYS SUGGEST THAT RUDE SHOPPERS
COULD BE FUELING THE LABOR SHORTAGE.
"WELL, WHO CONDUCTED THAT SURVEY?
I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO THEIR MANAGER.
NO ONE CALLS ME RUDE, AND FURTHERMORE, NO YOU CALM DOWN
OH, YOU'RE VIDEOTAPING?
I'LL VIDEOTAPE YOU, TOO.
THAT'S FINE.
LOOK, WE'RE BOTH DOING IT.
NO, NO, WRONG, NO.
UH-UH!
UH-HUH!
NO, YOU'RE GOING TO BE INTERNET FAMOUS."
( LAUGHTER )
NOW, FOLKS I WANT TO LAY MY CARDS ON THE TABLE HERE.
I LOVE WORDS.
THEY'RE MY FAVORITE PART OF READING.
AFTER SITTING.
AND NOW THERE'S EVEN MORE OF THEM, BECAUSE TODAY
MERRIAM-WEBSTER ANNOUNCED THE ADDITION OF 455 NEW WORDS AND
MEANINGS.
THAT'S SO MANY!
I CAN BARELY KEEP UP WITH THE ONES WE ALREADY HAVE.
LIKE, DID YOU KNOW "RAVEL" AND "UNRAVEL" MEAN THE SAME THING?
THAT'S INSANE.
OR SANE, SINCE EVERYTHING MEANS THE SAME THING NOW!
SOME OF THE NEW WORDS ARE COVID-RELATED, LIKE
"SUPERSPREADER," "BREAKTHROUGH," AND "VACCINE PASSPORT."
DO WE REALLY HAVE TO ADD THOSE DEPRESSING WORDS TO THE
DICTIONARY?
THAT FEELS SO PERMANENT.
CAN'T WE JUST FORGET ABOUT THEM WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER, LIKE WE
DID WITH SCURVY, GAUCHO PANTS, OR "SPACE JAM 2"?
BUT THERE'S FUN-- YOU LIKE THE "SPACE JAM" OVER THERE?
YOU LIKE THE "SPACE JAM 2"?
WE FOUND THE AUDIENCE.
IT'S JOHN LAMPELY ON TRUMPET.
YOU'RE THE GUY WHO WANTS TO GO SEE IT.
LOVED IT?
BUT THERE'S FUN NEW WORDS, TOO.
OTHER ENTRANTS INCLUDE DAD BOD, AIR FRYER, AND
FLUFFERNUTTER.
WHICH IS A CRAZY COINCIDENCE, BECAUSE THE REASON THAT I HAVE A
DAD BOD IS THAT I AIR FRY WAY TOO MUCH FLUFFERNUTTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- NO, YOU CALM DOWN!
IN AIRPORT NEWS-- ALSO KNOWN AS HUDSON NEWS-- DELTA AIRLINES IS
LAUNCHING NEW FACIAL- RECOGNITION TECHNOLOGY FOR
SECURITY LINES WITH THE T.S.A.
BAD NEWS FOR SMUGGLERS WHO HIDE COCAINE IN THEIR CHEEKS.
( LAUGHTER )
WHEN CUSTOMERS PASS THROUGH SECURITY, THEIR IMAGE IS TAKEN,
ENCRYPTED, AND SENT TO U.S.
CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION'S FACIAL BIOMETRIC MATCHING
SERVICE.
SO, NOW THEY'LL HAVE A PERMANENT RECORD OF YOUR FACE AT ITS BEST:
AFTER YOU WOKE UP AT 4:00 A.M., YELLED AT YOUR KIDS, AND STRESS
ATE A CINNABON OVER A TRASH CAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THERE'S ALSO-- THERE'S ALSO-- IS THIS BREAKING?
THERE'S ALSO A BREAKING CRIME STORY.
BECAUSE THIS WEEK, AUTHORITIES SEIZED WHALE POOP WORTH
$1 MILLION.
WHOA!
WHALE POOP IS WORTH A MILLION DOLLARS?
THAT EXPLAINS THAT SCENE IN "MOBY DICK":
>> NOW HEAR ME, YOU ARE TO LOOK FOR A WHITE WHALE AND BRING ME
HIS DOO-DOO!
I'M-A MAKE IT RAIN!
>> Stephen: NOW, WHY IS WHALE POOP SO EXPENSIVE?
TURNS OUT IT'S A VALUABLE INGREDIENT IN PERFUMES.
YES, YOU CAN FIND IT IN SCENTS SUCH AS CHANEL NUMBER 2, AND
DINGLEBERRY.
AND WHO CAN FORGET THIS ICONIC DIOR AD:
♪ ♪ ♪ >> AND YOU?
WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR WHALE POOP!
( APPLAUSE )
FAIR-- SURE.
( APPLAUSE )
ABOUT WHETHER IT'S ACTUALLY POOP.
BECAUSE, TECHNICALLY, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING CALLED
"AMBERGRIS," AND THERE ARE CONFLICTING OPINIONS AS TO HOW
AMBERGRIS EMERGES FROM THE WHALE.
SOME BELIEVE IT PASSES ALONG WITH FECAL MATTER, WHILE
OTHERS THINK THAT THE WHALE REGURGITATES THE MASS AS WHALE
VOMIT.
WELL, WHICH IS IT?
I NEED TO KNOW IF IT'S PUKE OR POOP BEFORE I SPRITZ IT ON MY
PULSE POINTS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE ELIZABETH BANKS AND "CSI: VEGAS" STAR JORJA FOX,
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE HOTTEST NEW TREND IN ALCOHOL IS
MORE ALCOHOL.
♪ ♪ ♪