oh wow we did it we made it
this far uh it it feels
more normal now but like in march
when we really thought the world was
remember march when we were like that
the doctors were like hey you got
anything on your bucket list you might
want to do that
like that do you remember in march i'm
not gonna lie i panicked
all right i panicked and i bought an axe
all right i don't know what i was
thinking either but i did it because i
was like maybe i might have to i don't
know maybe society will crumble
i got to save my home so i went to home
depot to get my ax all right
apparently a lot of other people had the
idea i had because all the
reasonable axes were taken okay my ax is
far too big all that was left was like a
four foot
basically a tree with a blade is all
that was left
and so i bring my axe so i'm too little
to even wield my own axe like if someone
came in my house to kill me an intruder
i would be grabbing my old axe like
just get look you give me a second okay
you give me a little space all right
maybe a little space at the top you'll
be [ __ ] up all right
this is terrible i bought an axe cause
i couldn't buy a gun yeah i mean i just
couldn't do it not not just because
the like permits in new york are
incredibly difficult to get it's just
when i lived in louisiana
uh there was one point where i was in a
very bad neighborhood and a lot of
houses were getting robbed
right including mile just lots of houses
getting robbed so i did
what any good southern boy would do and
i bought a gun
all right so i picked the gun on
wednesday bought the gun on thursday
brought it home and uh on friday night
someone broke in and stole my gun
all right they stole the thing i bought
to stop people from stealing my stuff
okay so when they come back which they
will why not they have my gun
when they come back
for everything they couldn't carry with
a gun in one hand they're probably going
to make me help
they're probably going to make me help
rob me all right
i'm going to be standing outside with my
own stuff like pop the trunk
it's not going to fit in the backseat
pop the tron it will not fit in that
back seat will you please
pick up your side it will not fit in
that
because it's my tv that's how i know
it's not going to fit
and because it's my car okay it didn't
fit on the back
seat all the way here's like in the back
seat when you leave
it's insanity i've been getting
i've been getting tested a lot like a
lot a lot i've had a lot of tests
just so i can do things and go places
and stuff and you know
always come out negative i've been very
blessed i'm very grateful for that
but i have been tested so much that
i'm not gonna lie my nose is starting to
feel a little loose
all right baby boy is not tight anymore
okay
if you ask my nose just from my nose's
perspective
been on the streets doing what it had to
do all right
doing what it had to do to get by okay
it's a hard knock life for this nose
it's getting to the point where my nose
is so open i don't just smell things i
feel like i smell
when they happened
like i got no lie i'm starting to feel
like i could smell the future
just like the worst superhero just
walking in like
oh we need to get out of here this is
different
you know i had one i at one test
this is exciting i have one test where
they stuck it
so far up my note i fainted right so i
just i just
passed out and i don't know what it was
like it was almost like she stuck it up
so far that she hit the off switch
on my brain because then i wake up test
is still hanging out my nose right
i wake up like maybe 10 seconds later
and she's gone
and then she walks back in i'm like you
left me and she was like i had to
i had to go get a doctor because i
thought i killed you
this has never happened before
that's why i've given up on being an
alpha you know because
i faint too much for a black guy i
really do i think i faint a lot and i
don't
and no one faints well yeah i mean like
no guy has everybody's been standing
there crossed armed and then like tipped
over like
i melt you know i mean and i hit my head
hard like when i faint
i hit my head so hard that people look
at me different when i wake up
you know because i i even had an
incident where i saw
my friend he was running and he tripped
and he fell
and his he messed up his arm really bad
like it wasn't just bloody it was like
an anatomy lesson like
i could see through his arm so i
appropriately
fainted where i stood all right but
instead of just like tipping over i
guess my legs are too far apart so then
my knees buckle
but then they opened again under the
weight of my hips so i then i just sort
of twerked myself down
until i rested on the ground
so yeah i think
[Laughter]
i've been getting cat called a lot and
this [ __ ] is terrible
like it is i always knew it was bad
right i never did it
but then now that it's happening to me i
can see
as bad as it was like now that it's
actually happening to me because
basically what happened is
over lockdown i let my hair grow out
right and apparently from the back i'm a
bad [ __ ]
like there's no way around it just sort
of is what it is so then
i do a thing and i know i do this thing
it doesn't make it my fault that i'm
getting cat call but i know i do this
thing
where i post up heavy with ass on one
leg right
so then i am standing there right and
i'm just like posted up like this
just like looking at the sky or like
people walking by
people watching anything right sometimes
i'll switch it but it's mostly the right
side
and so i'll be on my right side and then
i'll just hear a damn baby girl and then
i turn around
and then they get mad at me like i
tricked them i was like
i wasn't doing anything i was looking at
the clouds like a god-fearing woman all
right
you're the one that came over here
bothering me
well my friend got a
got a new job and for this new job they
drug tested him i heard about i was like
really
they still do that like it's the 50s or
something
why are we drug testing people what is
that
you know what i mean like why are you
checking
to make sure that i didn't have fun
before i worked here
like all you're doing is checking that
i'm not too cool to work here
you know plus if you're hr and you can't
just
tell who's on drugs if you need a drug
test you should be the one hiring people
yeah i mean i could spot a crackhead a
mile away all right
he's holding a hula hoop for no reason
trying to sell rims to
no car around yeah maybe don't give him
the interview first
see how that worked i didn't need
anybody's pee
because like by i have another friend
that
at her job they found
a heroin needle in the break room right
so like you skipped like
drug you went straight to like the
druggie drug like top drugs like this is
just
drugs now yeah i mean so i understand
everyone was freaked out and they found
it like
on the table like not even throwing away
they even try to hide that they were
doing
heroin at work you know but then she
told me she was like yes
we found this heroin needle in the break
room and we couldn't figure out whose it
was
and i was like if you can't figure out
whose heroin needle that was that's the
best person at their job
all right they are not letting heroin
affect their quality of work
okay either they're the best person at
their job or y'all all suck y'all are
all doing
a heroin level of job at this job
you don't need to drug test anybody you
know
all you need to do is get some oil some
grease just slick it up the floor a
little bit all right
let everybody fall okay whoever take too
long to get up is clearly on heroin
all right also they take too long to
fall if they slip like uh
that's a heroin fall that's your man
right there
my friend's head my friends had a baby
a couple butts ago and the baby's very
cute right
adorable baby it really is also this
baby
has the deepest voice i've ever heard on
a baby and it is freaking me out all
right
i tickle the bait i tickle them all this
little you know a little chubby cheek
that you tickle on a baby and so i
tickle them at this baby no lie
looked right at me it was like
it's the only baby i've ever stopped
playing peekaboo with you know i mean
like
because i was like peekaboo i see you
you know what i don't want to play
anymore i don't really i need to keep my
eye on you i don't trust you like that
i don't like that the baby's also like
long like it's a long grown baby it's
freaky it's like no
like it came out fully cooked like this
is not a baby this is like a geriatric
toddler like no baby should have a leg
swinging out the crib baby that's a big
baby
i actually i i don't know if this has
happened to anybody else but i
saw on facebook that i was friends with
i don't even know how it happened i'm
friends on facebook
with my old sex ed teacher
and i don't know like i don't know if he
friended me i friended i don't know
how it happened but it is it is what's
happening
and i thought about it i thought back to
when he was teaching sex ed and i was
like
upon further review as an adult
i can tell you with confidence that this
man
was teaching sex ed as a virgin there is
no way
that he had ever done anything sexual
this man was just getting in front of us
making stuff up just theories just
saying stuff
no one teaching sex ed should be saying
i guess that much yeah i mean
we need facts i need you to know we
can't think this is how to put a condom
on we need
directives this dude told us do told
class straight face told the class
that some not all just some women's
vaginas
were horizontal that's a real thing he
said and then just kept teaching and i
was like no
uh i need some i have follow-up
questions
i need it's crazy and i don't know i
don't know if everyone
here is like from the states or not but
like if
if you if you are you know that no
school
in america no matter how rich or well
funded is
has the funding for just a sex ed
teacher they always tack it on to what
someone else is already doing right
which means they went up to the pe
teacher okay
and they're like hey would you like to
teach sex ed at seventh period
and instead of doing the right thing and
saying
look at me
look at me i have spaghetti stains on
the back of my collar all right
i've never felt the touch of a woman i
wear gym shorts to work
okay i know it looks like blood on the
back of my collar
that honestly i wish it was that'd be a
better story if i got stabbed in the
back of the neck
and felt so strongly about physical
education that i still show up to my job
but no
i was eating some spaghetti all right an
ideal at the table when i eat the
spaghetti i ate it so furiously that a
noodle swung and hit me in the back of
my own neck
so no i don't know anything about sex
instead of doing that he just said yeah
i'll teach it okay
sounds good and then he got up in front
of us
and told us whichever hand you write
with
right whichever hand that is whichever
hand you write with that's what's one of
your dad's balls you came out of
and then just moved on to something else
it's like
at least let the coolest kid in class
teacher we at least know for a fact he's
seen a boob all right
he told us all the next day
so the next time you know with a guy or
something he's
terrible at sex maybe don't put all the
blame on him
put some of the blame on his sex head
teacher
who told you if you get chlamydia you
die on the third day all right