- We're all familiar with the problems surrounding
a lack of sexual attraction in a relationship.
But, did you know that you can be too sexually attracted
to someone?
So when does that excess sexual attraction
negatively affect your relationship?
And, can you fix it?
Here to tell you it's Dr.Seth Meyers.
- When you pose this question.
I thought, no,
because then you're just really into each other.
So, explain to me why being too sexually attracted
to somebody can be bad.
- So being sexually attracted to someone
is a good thing.
- Yeah.
- But being too sexually attracted to someone,
can be a bad thing and it can be a bad thing
because some attraction, towards a person,
it can almost reach a level of something addictive,
like overwhelming attraction,
feeling like you wanna consume them,
feeling afraid if you don't consume them,
they'll slip between your fingers, you'll lose them.
Your average person, who had an average home life
received average parenting which means,
decent, normal, is going to be attracted to individuals
who are probably okay for them.
People who have trauma histories,
people who were neglected, by their parents,
people who had an absent mother or father,
people who had a parent who died prematurely.
These are traumas they had.
So you think about it like a void, right?
And there has been something missing
an amount of love, that they didn't get.
Guess who they're hoping, one day is gonna fill it up?
- The significant other.
- That person they start dating.
So this person means so much to them, right?
But they really shouldn't, cause you don't even know 'em.
It takes a good year to get to know somebody.
A lot of times people meet somebody.
start in the first week,
start spending three four times a week with the person.
They feel like they can't get enough,
they are so sexually attracted.
What I would say to them is deep down
you're afraid they're gonna go away.
So you're trying to maximize,
get as much of it as you can,
cause deep down unconsciously,
meaning you may have an anxiety you're not even aware of,
deep down you're afraid it's gonna go away.
- Because I just assumed that is how,
the start of relationships are.
It's new, it's fresh, oh my God, it's so fun
and so of course you want to spend a ton of time
with each other I would have never correlated that
with an underlying anxiety.
- Well, think about it this way.
Sexual attraction being interested in somebody is normal
and that's a good thing.
But think about it another way,
a friend of random person you start working with
who could go on to become your friend.
I mean, how excited do you feel by that person?
That person may go on to be one of the best friends
you've ever had you could be friends
with that person for years, right?
So I mean, we shouldn't treat the criteria,
any differently for a new friend,
than for a romantic partner.
We're going to be more excited, by a romantic partner
we meet newly,
but we shouldn't be too much more excited,
than when we meet a new friend, because what are the odds
either relationship will really last?
Don't we need to take time, and get to know this person?
Doesn't it take months to invest
I always talk about this.
If you're gonna put $10,000 in a stock
in the stock market,
you don't just like read an article about it
oh my God everything is getting great returns and,
you call your bank and you do the transfer.
No, you you research it.
Why don't people research,
their romantic partners better and longer?
- And when you say research, it's dating, like what...
- It's let some time pass.
- Yeah right.
- You don't wanna be too sexually attracted because
it means you're then too attached,
to what's gonna happen here.
You're just hanging out.
You need to see that person, over a period of time,
in multiple situations,
in multiple moods, to figure out who that person really is
so be sexually attracted,
but don't be too sexually attracted,
because that feels more like a drug.
- Right, yeah and people say that, love is a drug right?
And I've heard people say,
"Man, I'm seeing this girl or I'm seeing this guy
it's like a drug I can't get enough of them."
- Right, now let me just say real quick
one thing I do wanna mention is,
when I've written about this before,
this idea that you can be too sexually attracted,
sometimes people have had strong reactions,
this is crazy I felt so attracted
and we've been together for 25 years,
sure right.
You're the exception to the rule.
There are always rules,
and there are always exceptions to it.
So maybe 10% of people, who feel that head over heels
overwhelmed, blown over,
too sexually attracted to in the beginning
maybe 10% of those relationships last.
But such intensity so fast, probably 90% don't.
- Yes and if you find yourself being that way
and you get to know them over six months,
rather than cramming it all to one week,
what's wrong with that?
If anything, you're just taking the best advice
and making the best decisions you can.