- Um, this is my energy.
Let's kind of readjust to it real quick.
(audience laughing)
This kind of weird-- weird little boy.
With a gross voice.
(laughs)
I, uh. How is-- is everyone good?
Everyone good?
(audience cheering and clapping)
Not... not like "are you doing good?"
but like, are you good people?
Like, are you like an ethically sound bunch of people?
'Cause yeah, 'cause I don't like performing for,
you know, like rude dudes and stuff, so.
If you're all bad folks, I just
I kind of walk, it's just not for me.
You, right there, real quick.
Quick ethics test for you.
Don't worry 'about it, really easy, "yes" or "no" question.
Would you do something for a fleeting moment
of meaningless joy
if it would knowingly make everything significantly worse
for everyone around you,
would you do it?
- No.
- No, okay. Good person. Good answer, good person.
So far.
Follow up question.
Have you done karaoke?
(audience laughing)
- Yes!
- Okay, bad person.
Bad, bad person.
I'm out of here!
You guys know that thing
where there's like a really
like a really big guy.
He's like a real big guy
and everyone calls him "Tiny"
as a nickname?
'Cause you know, 'cause he's like a really big guy,
and it's like funny
if you call him "Tiny".
Because it's like, like he's clearly not tiny.
Like in no way in this world is this guy tiny,
so it's like ironic
if we call him "Tiny"
as his nickname, because he's definitely
he's definitely not tiny
at all.
There's no possible way he's tiny.
You look at him and you're like,
no way is that guy tiny.
So I'm going to call him "Tiny"
because it's going to be funny to call him "Tiny"
because there is no possible way
in my imagination
that this guy
is tiny.
You know that?
(audience laughing)
So, pretty sure that's why people
call me "Little Bitch Virgin".
You know? (audience laughing)
'Cause they look at me,
and they're like, okay, two things I know about this guy:
He fights
and he fucks.
It's true, I do it all.
Despite being a
fuck-master,
I don't have any kids.
But I am kind of at that age where I need to start
like, thinking about if I want to have kids or not,
you know?
Sixteen.
Yeah.
Got to figure it out before it all dries up.
Once I'm eighteen, I'm like chewed-up gum.
Get me out of here.
But so, I've been thinking about it, you know?
I've thought about what I would name
a kid if I had a kid.
And I gave it some serious thought,
and I thought, you know, if I were to,
if I were to have a son,
I'm very close to my family,
so I'd want to honor my family with my son's name.
So, for his first name, I think I'd name him after my dad.
And then his middle name, I'd name after my grandfather.
And, of course, my last name.
So, he'd be Daddy Grandpa Fernald,
and I think it's just,
think it's a good name for a boy.
Good, strong name for a boy.
It's stressful to have kids.
There's just a lot,
there's a lot to think about when you have kids
that you don't normally have to think of.
Like I was driving through this neighborhood,
kind of like a family neighborhood
and there was a sign in someone's yard, and it said
"Drive like your family lived here".
So I told my mistress to hide and I sped up.
Got out of there. (audience laughing)
I'm definitely like,
I'm definitely not ready to have kids
'cause there's just
there's a lot of simple tasks I can't handle.
Like, the other day, I went to do laundry.
Should be an easy, no fuss task.
I did a load of whites.
Put it in.
When it's done, I take 'em out,
they're all pink,
everything in there turned pink.
Just 'cause I'm an idiot, I didn't even realize
when I threw it in the machine
that my cat was in there, and then just.
Phew.
Ruined the whole load.
(audience laughing)
Sorry.
Sorry I killed an imaginary cat.
That joke, it's very sad,
but he was, he was racist, so.
So it's okay. (audience laughing)
It's alright.
Think I'm, uh,
I'm addicted to my phone.
I am big time addicted to my phone.
I cannot go more than five minutes
without taking out my phone,
texting my coke dealer like, "Gimme more coke!"
I'm just like, (audience laughing)
so addicted to my phone.
Really, just
can't stop using my phone.
You know why they didn't ask that question.
If I could be a fly on the wall, in any one room,
what room it would be.
Has anyone ever thought about that?
Anyone thought about, if you could be a fly on the wall,
what room would you be a fly on the wall in?
Anyone just give me a room.
- [Audience Member] Hitler's bunker.
- Hitler's bunker. Okay, yeah.
That's actually incorrect.
That's an incorrect answer.
(audience laughing)
Anything.
- [Audience Member] Oval office.
- Oval office. Okay, oh wow.
Two people, same time.
Both of you, completely wrong.
Don't, wrong.
There's only one correct answer to this question,
and I know it.
If I could be a fly on the wall, in any one room,
obviously, whatever room has the hottest,
sluttiest flies in it, okay?
I mean, I'm a freaking fly, alright?
I don't care what these humans are talking about,
I got like two days to live,
I want to get my fly dick wet, okay?
That's what I'm doing.
Give me them loose flies, baby.
I just want you all to appreciate
my commitment to comedy
by shouting out
"Give me them loose flies, baby."
'Cause this is being recorded tonight.
It's going to be on the internet.
You know, it's Comedy Central, so it's going to have like,
pretty good search engine optimization.
So, if I ever decide to pivot careers,
(audience laughing)
and someone types my name on the internet,
one of the first things that going to come up
is me in a video going, "Give me them hot wet flies, baby!"
Or whatever it was I said before.
So I'm in this for life.
I'm in it for life.
I wanted to talk about this.
When I was a kid, my mom's favorite band
was the Barenaked Ladies.
She loved them.
It was her favorite band.
And when we got the internet in my household,
I got a great idea.
I was going to do an internet search
for "Barenaked Ladies".
And I knew what I was getting into,
I knew what I was going to find.
But I knew that if I got caught,
I had the perfect alibi.
I could be like, "What?
"I was just Googling Mom's favorite band for her.
"See when they were, see when they were strolling
"through town next, and I didn't know
"that was going to come up.
"Just, you know, not my problem.
"Not my fault." (audience laughing)
And it was great.
It was great, 'cause as a teen boy,
I could look at pornography on the internet, stress-free.
And it was just the greatest gift that I could ever be given
as a child.
(audience laughing mildly)
But I was thinking that today's young, horny teens
are, you know, the Barenaked Ladies
aren't as popular with today's young moms
as they were with my mom.
So they don't have the luxury that I had.
They're just lookin' up porn
and they're nervous the whole time they're going to get caught.
So that is why, as a gift to teens everywhere
I have started a new band.
We're called "the Dick-Sucking Teen Sluts".
(audience laughing)
And...
we make music your mom can groove to so hard.
We sound like Maroon 5, but all of our songs
are about how cool moms are.
And like, our album is called, like,
"I think a woman hits sexual prime at age 50".
And it's just really, (audience laughing)
really great.
And this is real, so you can Google this,
and that will be a result in the Google search
and you download the song called "I Think Moms are Cool".
And if you get caught, you just play that song for your mom,
and you're fresh out of jail.
So, you're welcome to anyone watching this.
Go out there and find it.