it's normal to be attracted to guys who aren't good for you it's normal to date such men in
hopes that they'll change that they'll grow that things will get better that the power of
your chemistry and love will make it all work the problem is that it never does attraction
is what gets you into a relationship it's not what keeps you there that's called compatibility so if
you keep finding yourself in relationships with attractive but incompatible guys you need to do
something different to get a different result in today's love you podcast i'm going to show you how
stick around i'm evan marquez dating coach for smart strong successful women
and your personal trainer for love welcome to the love you podcast keep listening to discover why
you're attracted to the wrong guys and what to do about it when we're done i'll let you know how you
could apply to love you to create a relationship that makes you feel safe heard and understood
so before we go any further just remember if you find this advice to be interesting
inspiring helpful useful and you want the personal touch in helping you actually achieve these goals
click on the link below fill out the application to apply to love you and i'll help you find the
relationship that you're looking for in the next six months all right without further ado
the other day i was on twitter hellsight that it is but i follow some really interesting people on
there and there's a guy named dr eli finkel i think he's a doctor and i interviewed him
from the love you podcast a few years back about his wonderful book the all or nothing marriage
and he tweeted out a link to a study all right now i'm admitting i am not an academic i am a dating
and relationship coach completely self-taught lots of experience as a single man as a married man
as a coach i do not do studies but i did read the top line synopsis of this study so i'm here
to share my knowledge with you what this study illuminated which he was really excited about and
in turn i'm really excited about because it's very validating of my experiences as a dating coach
is this this study points out that what gets you into a relationship
has almost zero bearing on whether the relationship is successful and meant to last
broken down even further right take this very seriously attraction chemistry common interests
the very thing that draws you to someone has nothing to do with whether you're going to be
a happy couple it's almost completely divided which is not to say that this stuff is bad
chemistry common interest it's not bad it's that it's divorced from the ultimate outcome and it
kind of makes sense when you stop and think about it look at your life look at other people's lives
think of all the people out there who've been in love and broke up think of all the people who have
great sex but don't have a great relationship the people who both have catholic backgrounds
and raise their kids catholic but ultimately get divorced the people who get along for the first
three months of the relationship when everything is new but when the smoke clears and the mask
slips they discover that they don't really work that well as a couple and break up after a year
this study this revolutionary study should be essentially patently obvious that what gets you
into a relationship doesn't keep you there but it doesn't stop the way we go about dating in fact
the way we go about dating now is worse than it's ever been before because on dating apps it's all
about looks it's about class it's about game it's about speed this is we judge people on the tiniest
things because we're comparing them side by side to hundreds of other people so it's a race to the
top in terms of looks but almost a race to the bottom in terms of real compatibility and what
makes someone a good partner the ability for a guy to charm you on a first date or charm you via text
says nothing about his ability to be a good husband we know that we know that intellectually
but it still doesn't stop us to rewarding the guys who are the cutest and often the most charming
funny right or sometimes aggressive so we just keep swiping on the same people and hoping for a
different result never really fathoming why isn't this process working for me when i coach people we
talk about that what do i get in reply when i say hey maybe this methodology isn't working for you
evan i can't help what i'm attracted to and i hear that and no attraction is a visceral response it's
not a choice it's not logical i'm not suggesting you should stop being attracted to what you're
attracted to what i can suggest is that we shouldn't be such a slave to that attraction
and think that attraction in and of itself means something now you can't have a relationship
that doesn't have attraction chemistry or good sex that's not a good relationship it's not what
i'm advocating for what i'm advocating is that those things don't necessarily portend a good
relationship so i use a metaphor very frequently when i'm coaching i use lots of mixed questionable
metaphors here's the one i'm going to share with you today that i don't want you to forget the guys
that you're the most attracted to now this can go for deep psychological reasons which we're
not going to get into in a short podcast if your father was an emotionally withholding man if he
left when you were young and you always had to win his love if you have an anxious attachment style
obviously that's going to have serious downstream effects for how you choose men and recreate those
relationships and try to win men over and think that his distance is normal and that fighting and
breaking up is normal and there's a whole bunch of things that we're not going to get into let's
just say that as a dating a relationship coach i'm interested in what you do in the future
not as focused on what got you here in the past there are therapists for that
you should definitely employ one but if we understand that attraction's not a choice but we
do have choices about how we proceed in our love life that is empowering so here's the metaphor
the guys you're the most attracted to that never work out that are incompatible with you
are in my terms steak and ice cream the two foods in the world that taste the best but we know
intellectually aren't good for you all right so again i like me some steak and ice cream i
had some last night but it's not something that you can do three meals a day seven days a week
for your entire life and expect to live past your 50s it's just not doable so what do we do
in light of this well we modulate our diet we might say nothing tastes better than steak and ice
cream and simultaneously i can't eat steak and ice cream and expect to live a long healthy life so
when i say that to women they're like oh so you're telling me to wean off a steak and ice cream and
the guys i'm attracted to are steak and ice cream so that means i have to eat what like rice cakes
and kale for the rest of my life i don't want my husband to be rice cakes and kale and so what
they're doing is hearing something that i didn't say because you can and you already do don't eat
steak and ice cream three meals a day but are you eating rice cakes and kale three meals a day no
you're not you find some balance as people do in life everything's about balance all right so
what does that look like i don't know it might be some chicken teriyaki and stir-fried vegetables
it might be a really amazing omelet it might be lean meats leafy greens low starch low sugar some
alcohol but not drinking too frequently we know what healthy eating looks like but there's still
pleasure in it there's still plenty of pleasure in it you could be a foodie and still be healthy so
if that model works in diet and health doesn't it stand to reason something like that would
work in love that between steak and ice cream and kale and rice cakes that there is something that
is good for you and tasty simultaneously why yes that's true and that is the core of what we do in
love you it's not that the chemistry isn't great it's that chemistry doesn't predict compatibility
we dial down the chemistry a little bit we dial down the taste a little bit and now we could see
things clearly and we could find compatibility and compatibility is all about how the system works
how you feel when you're with him how you feel when you're not with him whether you could trust
him whether you can let down your guard how well the system works in terms of communication
how you handle conflict how you handle your timing together how your values align
this is what real compatibility is it has nothing to do with what's on the app it has nothing to do
with what you do on the first date or even how great your conversation is yes you have
to have good conversation that's not the point but great conversation doesn't mean you're compatible
either oh my god i've never felt so amazing with a guy that doesn't tell the story of your future
here's my anecdote that should be able to bring this home for you i made all these dating mistakes
when i was single i went out with 300 people and that's part of the origin story of me as a dating
coach and i love you and one time in 2006 i had broken up with a girlfriend and i was a dating
coach i had two books out and i was still really struggling with my own love life and trying to
dial in this message that i was able to teach but i couldn't live and i met a woman online on
jdate and she was spectacular she was my type whatever that means she was my type she was a
curvy brunette actress big personality really funny really body and dirty
very cultured we wrote these really amazing emails this is pretext really long emails funny flirty
big anticipation for the first date i remember the first date i remember where i took her out
in hollywood went bowling had a great night came back to my place made out for a little bit
and then she went home and i had a moment where i said oh my god and not these words
this is my steak and ice cream this is what i'm most attracted to and i have a life enough life
experience to know i know how this story ends and it doesn't end well i know i can get on this ride
but it's eventually going to end it's eventually going to crash we are a little bit too similar
and i don't need to even go down that road so that was literally the last date i went on with her it
was an amazing date and it was the last date i went on with her because i realized that i was
just repeating my patterns again going out with someone based on attraction again not realizing
that what i'm most attracted to and what's good for me are not exactly the same thing and i was
just i had to stop i had to step away from the table and stop so i never went out with her again
four months later i met my wife who i did not have that same magical chemistry with i talked
to her for five hours at a potluck dinner on a sunday night so i share that story with you to
let you know that as your dating coach i am always trying to be authentic transparent and try to not
just talk the talk but walk the walk i know this doesn't come naturally but it is a necessary
step in getting into a healthy relationship are you attracted to the wrong people are you doing
anything different to get a different result please if you're watching on youtube comment
in the section below and if you find this idea intriguing you want to take it to the next level
apply to love you i'll take care of you my name is evan mark katz thanks for tuning into the love you
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smart strong successful women from around the world in a coaching community where women like
you actually get the unconditional love that you deserve i'll see you there take care bye