• From everyone’s favourite Mighty Mutant Power Turtles to the always-refreshing Dr.
Becker soft drink, we count fifteen craptacular knock-off products from around the world!
15 – Knock-Off Starbucks, • Nothing says ‘capitalism’ – I mean,
America – like Starbucks Coffee.
The coffeehouse chain’s been a global powerhouse since the 1980s, and has sprouted locations
all over the world.
• But this hasn’t stopped a whole of slew of imitators from riding Starbucks’ coattails
and trying to make a quick buck.
Check out China’s Sunbucks Coffee, which uses the famous Starbucks logo design for
its own selfish end.
• Starsbuck and Bucksstar Coffee commit the exact same crime, as does USABucks Coffee,
which I hear is in the running for a subtlety award.
Starbucks has a long history of taking imitators to court, so you’d best think twice before
opening that Snarbugs Coffee joint.
• In 2014, Comedy Central’s Nathan Fielder opened a Los Angeles coffeehouse called ‘Dumb
Starbucks Coffee’.
It caused quite a stir, but was ultimately revealed to be part of a television publicity
stunt.
The suits were not amused.
14 – Imitation Toys, • They say imitation’s the sincerest form
of flattery, but there’s not much that’s flattering about these baffling toy knock-offs.
Guaranteed to fall apart within a half-hour of opening, these future junk heap liners
spread disappointment wherever they are found.
• Check out New Style Ninja Tortoise, a bastardisation of the I-can’t-believe-it’s-still-going
Ninja Turtles franchise.
I’d hate to be the poor kid who opens this sucker at Christmas.
‘Thanks for listening to me for the last eleven months, Dad!
New Style Ninja Tortoise is just what I wanted!’
• There’s also the Mighty Mutant Power Turtles, which is what you end up with when
Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles drink too much wine together.
• The Star Wars franchise has some doozy knock-off toys, too, including Laser Sword,
which is like a lightsaber only lamer, and Star Knight, which appears to be Vader moonlighting
as a camp, scooter-totin’ police officer.
Very European.
• Finally, every unloved child should own Robert Cop 2.
No, he’s not Raymond’s police officer brother from Everybody Loves Raymond, but
he’s just as surly!
13 – Not-Quite-Right Confectionary, • Everyone loves to indulge in their favourite
confectionary item, but sometimes you just don’t feel like paying those premium brand
prices.
• You should, though, ’cause most imitation brands just aren’t very good.
Ask anyone who’s travelled to South-East Asia.
They usually taste like cardboard, and you’ve got a 70% chance of finding a syringe or bandaid
when you reach into the packet.
• These knock-offs deserve points for creativity, though.
I mean, M&M ripoffs called S&Ms.
Now that’s a gateway candy.
You’ve also got Sour Frittles, which, on account of sounding like an STD, are a whole
lot less appetising.
• Orios’ imitators are Borios and Crème Betweens, which ooze pun potential.
Interestingly, Orios themselves are knock-offs of the original sandwich biscuit: Hydrox.
But Hydrox sounds like a water boss in a Zelda game and is unmarketable, thus Orios win.
12 – Imitation Butter Knock-Offs, • The J.H.
Filbert company had no idea what a phenomenon their hilariously named butter substitute
– I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter! – would create.
‘I can’t believe it’s not …!’ was the pun of the 90s.
It was referenced in countless sitcoms and sounds like something Chandler would’ve
riffed on.
They even had Fabio in their commercials.
Just stellar stuff, guys.
• Of course, the imitators soon took notice, and along came the astonished Engrish of Unbelievable
– This is Not Butter!
(Forgiveness please!), ASDA’s puntabulous You’d Butter Believe It! and Gold n’ Soft’s
timid, unsure Could it be Butter?
• Honourable mentions also include What, Not Butter! and Butter, It’s Not!
11 – Imitation Soft Drinks, • All around the world, small-scale beverage
companies struggle in the sugary shadows of behemoths like the Coca Cola Company.
What’s the little guy to do?
Why, shamelessly replicate brand likeness, of course!
• To give you an idea of the sheer scope of these imitations, here’s a list of international
Mountain Dew knock-offs: Mountain Lightning, Mountain W, Mountain Rapids, Mountain FROST,
Mountain Shoutin’, Mountain Explosion, Mountain Lion and Wild Mountain.
Just reading them feels like I’ve climbed a mountain.
• Here’s a similar list for Dr. Pepper: Dr. Bob, Dr. Thunder, Dr. Skipper, Dr. Fine
Soda, Dr. Perky, Dr. Snap, Dr. Perfect, Dr. Becker, Dr. Bold and Dr. Right.
I’m not sure any of these are real doctors.
I certainly wouldn’t confide in Dr. Thunder, or Dr. Right.
Maybe Dr. Right Now … • Pepsi is also kind of a crap knock-off
of Coke, but that one’s up for debate.
10 – Skerple, • Invented in 1964, Sharpies are the number
one permanent marker in the world.
They’re so iconic their name has become synonymous with the product as a whole.
They’re what Hoovers are to vacuum cleaners and aspirin is to paracetamol.
• Skerples are Chinese knock-offs that replicate Sharpie packaging but will probably bleed
ink all over the insides of your bag.
Their name also sounds like an as-yet unidentified STD.
• Other Sharpie imitators include the Super Richeng, Goodwill Super Superstar and Hongbao
Super Staunion. 9 – Knock-Off Sportswear,
• Everyone wants to look cool when they’re doubled-over from a jog to the corner store,
or running from their neighbour’s frighteningly aggressive Miniature Fox Terrier.
Sportswear companies know this.
It’s why they set such exorbitant prices.
They want you to work hard for their goods.
They want you to sweat.
• It’s no wonder, then, that consumers turn to imitation brand wear, like Adidos,
Hike, Cnoverse and Fuma.
Their prices are comparatively low and you can conveniently pick them up from your nearest
black market.
Sure, the quality leaves a lot to be desired, but who wants sneakers that last longer than
two weeks?
That’s unnatural.
• Slap on that Pimp hat (shameless reimagining of Puma), lace up those Ball Star Classics
and help out the little guy.
If you’re struggling to remain motivated, remember the Hike motto: ‘just do that thing
you said you’d do’. 8 – Knock-Off Car Designs,
• Copycat car design is a serious first-world problem.
It’s also the root of many legal battles.
• Check out the Great Wall’s Kulla, which apes the slim, purely electric Renault Twizy
pretty much down to the last detail.
• And look!
Attack of the clones!
The BAIC X424 gracefully borrows elements of Jeep’s Wrangler and Cherokee – without
saying thank-you!
• This pandemic continues with the Geely GE, which made its motor show debut in 2009.
Lawyers at Rolls-Royce no doubt salivated when the Phantom-aping GE was unveiled.
The GE replicates many of the Phantom’s aesthetics, including its iconic upright grill.
It was also set to retail for 220k less than its forerunner.
Its striking likeness made it an attractive alternative for cheapskates.
It could have really affected Rolls-Royce’s sales if they’d let it to slide.
Fortunately, Rolls-Royce’s big strong lawyers hit the case and Geely was ordered to do a
comprehensive redesign.
7 – Mockbusters, • Mockbusters are low-budget imitations
of popular Hollywood films.
Made by small studios, their release dates closely follow those of the films they’re
ripping off.
This insidious strategy works particularly well with children’s films; the filmmakers
obviously hope to profit from parents’ confusion.
• Some of these knock-offs are hilariously shameless.
Atlantic Rim apes 2013’s Pacific Rim, Apocalypse Z re-imagines World War Z, Transformers becomes
Transmorphers and Kung Fu Panda becomes Chop Kick Panda.
• Some bootlegs are hilariously bad, too.
Who could forget such classics as Pepe Likes Tacos?
6 – Knock-Off Video Game Consoles, • There’s a rich tradition of knock-off
video game consoles dating back to the early success of the NES.
Back then, video games were primarily for children, so it was easier for manufacturers
to fool unsuspecting parents into buying their kids a brick gaming system.
• It’s not all bad, though.
Some of these consoles can play or emulate retro games – sometimes from multiple systems.
In lieu of buying genuine retro systems, this can be a cheap and easy way to experience
game libraries from past systems.
• Still, for the most part, this is shameless money grabbing.
These knock-off systems show how crazy cash-ins can become when copyright laws aren’t enforced.
5 – Knock-Off Electronics, • Knock-off electronics and appliances do
big business, particularly in China and Taiwan.
Manufacturers prey on consumer ignorance by copying the aesthetics and design choices
of other well-known and respected products.
• These counterfeit devices are usually slow, buggy, poorly built and cause immense
frustration for the user.
I mean, come on!
Why can’t my Nookia iPhone Galaxy 7 play Angry Birds?!
• As with knock-off toys and movies, the impersonations are wafer-thin.
In many cases, manufacturers barely go to any effort to create their abominations, nor
do they obscure the fact they’re ripping off multi-million dollar companies’ products.
• Check out the Obama-endorsed Blockberry, the iPod Mini Swirl and IPnoho6.
• It’s lucky Homer knows a genuine Panaphonics when he sees one.
4 – Fast Food Knock-Offs, • America’s mighty fast food chains are
admired – and sloppily copied – all over the world.
• Although the US and Iran have no diplomatic relations, some Iranian restaurant owners
have tried to emulate American fast food franchises.
Iran’s Pizza Hat rips off Pizza Hut’s menus and IT company Red Hat’s logo all
at once.
Their Mash Donald’s restaurant is the closest emulation of American’s pre-eminent food
empire, with locations in over three cities.
Mash Donald’s serves hamburgers and hotdogs, but, curiously, no mash potato.
• McDonald’s has many great imitators, like McKebab and Mak Dak, but China’s Pizza
Huh’s the place to go if you want your pizza garnished with herbs other than Oregano.
3 – Counterfeit Fashion, • Designer clothes are expensive.
That is a fact of life.
Knock-offs are cheap, but they’re tacky, low-quality and are usually manufactured in
developing countries.
Knock-off fashion carries a negative stigma, but some of it looks real enough that the
consumer will risk exposure.
It’s a bit like the uncanny valley.
Fake garments look nice only from afar.
• Overseas, fake watches and handbags sell like gangbusters.
Tourists eat them up, hoping to project wealth and prosperity.
We only have the Kardashians to blame.
Counterfeit goods aren’t subject to corporate quality control or government safety standards,
so could tear, fall apart or even kill you.
• Online, unscrupulous vendors have been taking advantage of bargain-hunters by posting
ads featuring beautiful dresses at a pittance.
However, when the dresses arrive they look nothing like the pictures.
The proportions are often wrong, the craftsmanship is bad, and the fabric is almost never the
same.
This phenomenon is known as ‘false advertising’. 2 – Imitation-Brand Cereal Disasters,
• Knock-off cereal brands reside on the lowest rungs of the supermarket breakfast
aisle, at perfect eye-level for confused toddlers.
• Their packages are big and bright, their cartoon mascots are terrifying, and their
names are teasingly similar to more-established cereal brands, to evoke a connotation of quality.
• I wish the sun would rise right now so I could have a delicious bowl of Circus Balls.
1 – Knock-Off Alcohol Brand, • Fake liquor is a growing and dangerous
trade.
Since it does not go through the usual rigorous commercial safety tests, counterfeit alcohol
could be lethal to consume.
• In China, fake alcohol is made from bases that can strike the heart and kidneys, and
potentially cause blindness by attacking the retinal nerve.
• Fortunately, not all alcoholic knock-offs are dangerous; some are just no-frills versions
of popular existing brands.
Admiral Nelson is a cheaper knock-off of the popular Captain Morgan spiced rum.
Interestingly, the real Nelson and Morgan were mariners.
Nelson was a British Naval Office, who died in battle during the Napoleonic Wars.
In order to preserve his body on the boat ride home, they put him in a barrel of … you
guessed it, rum!
Think of that the next time you wet your whistle with his namesake.
• Looking for other quality knock-off brand alcohol?
Try Johns Daphne’s old time No. 1 brand quality tenderness sour mash whiskey, or Johnnie
Worker’s – who I think is the slower cousin of Johnnie Walker – perplexing Red Labial
scotch whiskey.
Yes, labial.
I don’t know either, but I hear it goes down smooth.