[Disclaimer read by Zarbon]
[Please keep these captions clean for those who need them. Funny extras can be added to the English (Canada) subs. Thank you!]
[Narrator] Last time on Dragon Ball Z Abridged...
[Vegeta] Finally! I've gathered all seven Dragon Balls!
[Shenron] State your wish.
[Vegeta] Dragon! Grant me immortality!
[Shenron] Your wish is granted.
[Vegeta] Yes! I've done it!
I'm finally the strongest in all the Universe!
WAH HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! >XD
[Vegeta, tired as all hell] I am unstoppable...
[Zarbon] Oh, how cute. He's having a little dream.
[Vegeta] Mine!
[Vegeta] Mine! Mine!
[Vegeta] Mine! Mine! Mine!
[Vegeta] Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
[Vegeta] Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
[Zarbon] Now, let's get you back to Lord Freeza.
I need to... probe you for the information.
[Vegeta, hella tired] My power is maximum...
{♫ "Cha-La Head-Cha-La" ♫}
♫ CHA-LA HEAD-CHA-LA ♫
♫ Egao urutora zetto de ♫ (With a smile that’s Ultra-Z)
♫ Kyô mo ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~ ♫ (Even today is ai-yai-yai-yai-yai~)
♫ Sparking! {fading echo} ♫
{Muffled video game noises (Budokai Tenkaichi 3)}
{Normal video game noises}
[Apool] Take that, you bastard.
This one's for Ichpe!
[Zarbon] Report!
[Apool] Uh, I just..
I'm just checking...
... his vitals.
[Zarbon] Is he going to make it?
[Apool] Well, it's a good thing you got him to me when you did.
Even a little later, and we might not have been able to save him.
[Zarbon] Why isn't he naked?
[Apool] Luckily, we--
...*what*?
[Zarbon] In the healing tank; I always thought you needed to be nude.
[Apool] Wha--?
W-why would you think that?
[Zarbon] You know, to...
... absorb all the healing juices.
WELL, looks like you have everything under control here.
[Apool] Freaks me the f*ck out.
[Ghost Nappa] (Whistles)
{Tap, tap, tap}
Is this thing on?
Is it o--
[Vegeta] (Moaning)
[Ghost Nappa] OKAY, there we go.
(Clears his throat)
YOU are now thinking about what Zarbon did to you...
while you were unconscious.
[Ghost Nappa] Have fun with that...
[Vegeta] (Groaning) [Ghost Nappa] Have fun with that... that...
[Vegeta] (Groaning) [Ghost Nappa] Have fun with that... that... that...
[Vegeta] (Groaning)
[Apool] You know, Vegeta, I've gotta admit - it was pretty impressive how you went all man-hunter on us.
[Vegeta] (Groaning intensifies) [Apool] But now, you're all ours.
[Vegeta] (Groaning intensifies further) [Apool] And I can't wait to watch Zarbon break you like a glowsti--
Here I come, Ichpe...
[Freeza] And I want you here in twenty-four hours, understood?
And make sure to bring the up-to-date Scouters.
[Ginyu, on screen] Understood, Lord Freeza.
[Zarbon] Lord Freeza, I really need to use the space Skype.
[Freeza] Zarbon, what could possibly be so important that you need to interrupt me during my call?
[Zarbon] Well, I need to call my girlfriend.
[Freeza] Well, I--
...Ginyu, I'll call you back.
Come again?
[Zarbon] You see, our one-year anniversary is coming up and I want to see where she wants to go so I can make reservations early.
[Freeza] Oh.
And all this time I could have sworn you were--
...Nevermind.
[Zarbon] What, you thought I was single?
[Freeza] Well, no. I just...
I... thought you were into...
You know, it really doesn't matter.
[Zarbon] Well, it matters to me; because, frankly, it sounds like you thought I was--
[Oran] LORD FREEZA!
VEGETA'S BROKEN OUT OF THE HEALING T--
Aiee!
[Freeza] Oh, no. That minion died.
Could you go fix that?
We'll continue this conversation never.
[Zarbon] ...Did he say something about Vegeta?
[Freeza] What?
{Explosion}
Zarbon ...
... who did you leave guarding him?
{Alarm} APOOL?!
YOU LEFT APOOL HERE?!
[Zarbon] Well, I thought he could handle it!
[Freeza] Apool couldn't handle a shot of raspberry Schnapps, much less Vegeta!
Oh, where's the damn phone? I need to make another call.
[Zarbon] Yes, sir! I'll go look for Vegeta!
He won't get far!
[Vegeta] 'Yes, that's right. Search all over for me, Zarbon.'
'Of course, you'd never think to check inside your own SHIP!'
'You know what they say:'
'"Keep your friends close ..."'
'"... and your enemies closer."'
Huhaha!
Huhaha! Hahaha!
Huhaha! Hahaha! HA, hahahahahahahaha! Ha--
[Minion, off-screen] Lord Freeza, I found him!
[Vegeta] Ah, f*ck it.
[Minion, o-s] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
[Freeza, over comm] Ginyu! Hurry up, double time!
Zarbon really screwed the pooch on this one.
[Zarbon, oc] Lord Freeza, Vegeta's really giving us a pounding!
[Freeza, oc] I'm coming, Zarbon! Quick, grab my Balls!
{Call ended}
{Snickering}
{Laughter}
{♫ A parody of "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts" ♫}
[Vegeta] ♫ I've got a lovely bunch of Dragon Balls ♫
♫ Do-do-do-do-do ♫
♫ Here they are, all sitting in a bunch ♫
♫ Doo-doo-doo ♫
♫ One star ♫
♫ Two star ♫
♫ All as big as my head! ♫
♫ Give 'em a toss ♫
♫ A planet across ♫
♫ That's how Vegeta wins ♫
♫ Ba-bye! ♫ :P
[Freeza] Damn it all to hell, he's gone!
And he took off with my Dragon Balls!
[Zarbon] Lord Freeza, I found a note!
[Freeza] Let me see that!
It just says "Dear Fr ̶i̶eeza", and it's a picture of a butt.
[Zarbon] Can I see it, Lord Freeza?
[Freeza] Vegeta!
[Freeza] Vegeta! Dragon Balls!
[Freeza] Vegeta! Dragon Balls! NOW!!!!
[Zarbon] Yes, sir!
'Dammit! He's up here somewhere! I just need to spot the bastard!'
[Vegeta] 'Later, bitches.'
{Submarine dive alarm}
[Goku] Whew!
It's taken me five whole days!
But I'm finally up to 100x gravity!
It's a good thing I brought along all these Senzu...
Aw man, it looks like we only have four left.
Aw well, we won't need that many on Namek.
Om nom nom!
(Gulp)
Mmmmm, tastes like healing.
[King Kai, telephatically] Hello, Goku? Do you hear me?
I swear to God, if this is George Takei again
I'm gonna shove a brick up the Verizon guy's a--
[Goku, t] King Kai?
[King Kai, t] Ah, there you are Goku.
I see you're on your way to Namek.
[Goku, t] I'm gonna beat someone up!
[King Kai, t] Of course, you are.
But listen!
There's someone on Namek that you must absolutely stay away from.
You hear me?
He's even *stronger* than Vegeta, and he--
[Goku, t] I know!
[King Kai, t] What?
[Goku, t] I'm gonna beat him up!
[King Kai, t] Goku, no.
This is nothing like Vegeta. It is much, MUCH worse.
[Goku, t] Uh huh...!
[King Kai, t] He is known throughout the galaxy as the most terrifying and evil person there is!
[Goku, t] Really?!
[King Kai, t] He's conquered hundreds of planets!
And slaughtered *billions* of people!
[Goku, t] Eeeeeeeeeeee!
[King Kai, t] Stop it! Stop getting excited!
Now promise me you will not fight hi--
[Goku, t] Ooo, I can see Planet Namek!
Naw, wait, naw it's fake.
[King Kai, t] Goku! Seriously!
Promise me that under no circumstance will you go anywhere near Freeza!
[Goku, t] But, King Kai, I--
[King Kai, t] PROMISE ME!
[Goku, t] Aw, alright.
I promise I will absolutely not--
Click! Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
[King Kai, t] What the-- [Goku, t] rrrrrrrr--
(Inhale)
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
[King Kai, t] He-- [Goku, t] rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
[King Kai, t] He hung up on me! [Goku, t] rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
[Goku, t] rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
[King Kai, t] How the hell did he even do that?! [Goku, t] rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr--
{Call ended}
[King Kai, t] Dammit, I'll call him back!
{Key depressed}
{Phone ringing}
{Click}
Goku, I swear to God! I will ride your *ass* on this one!
[George Takei, t] Oh, myyy~
[King Kai, t] DAMMIT, TAKEI!
[Vegeta] (Gasping for air)
Alright...
They should be here somewhere.
Aha! They're here!
They're all here.
Perfect. Now, I have six, counting the one I have hidden near the village.
All I have to do now is stay under the radar and not fly around like a jackass, saying
[Krillin] I've got a Dragon Ball!
[Vegeta] I was gonna say, "Come and get me, Freeza"
But that works, too!
[Zarbon] This is useless! I'm never going to find him like this!
I might as well hide under a rock!
Maybe Lord Freeza won't find me if I just lay low and don't fly around like a jackass, saying
[Vegeta] Come to papa, ya bald bastard!
[Zarbon] I was going to say "Come and get me, Freeza"
But that works, too!
{Bulma humming "I'll Give You Romance" (original DB ending theme)}
[Bulma] Son of a bitch!
[Krillin] Huh.
I thought you'd be back in the cave.
[Bulma] Well, I WOULD, if I didn't keep finding puddles of--
[Krillin] Yeah, yeah, I know, in the cave.
Get over it.
Besides! I brought us a Dragon Ball!
[Bulma] Oh, wow!
They're much bigger than the ones on Earth.
[Krillin] Yeah, Gohan and I were pretty surprised, too when we...
Wait...
Where is Gohan?
[Bulma] Oh. He took the Dragon Radar.
We found a Dragon Ball that was all on it's own.
[Krillin] Wait, what?!
[Gohan] I've got a Dragon Ball!
[Krillin] You let Gohan go out on his own?!
[Bulma] Yeah.
What's the big deal?
[Krillin] Do you have ANY idea what Chi-Chi will do to me if he gets hurt?!
I like my penis where it is, thank you.
[Bulma] I still don't see how this is my problem.
[Krillin] Aw.
Well, we'll just have to wait for him here, then.
At least we have a Dragon Ball!
[Vegeta] Hi, there! I'm taking your Dragon Ball.
[Krillin] Uh...
Care to trade for one of yours?
[Vegeta] How 'bout "no"?
[Krillin] You drive a hard bargain.
[Zarbon] Who drives it hard, now?
Hmm-hmm...
[Vegeta] Oh, I thought I smelled body glitter...
[Zarbon] You. The short one over there.
Give me the Dragon Ball.
[Krillin] Ummm...
[Vegeta] Not so fast! He's handing the Ball over to me!
Right, baldy?
[Krillin] Uhhh...
Bulma? Little help here?
[Bulma] Oh my God, he's so hot!
I just wanna grab him and--
[Goku] sixty-nine...
seventy...
seventy--
[Vegeta] One time, you've defeated me, Zarbon.
And that's one time too many.
[Zarbon] Nothing's changed, Vegeta.
The last time we fought, you were barely alive when I retrieved your body.
[Vegeta] That... reminds me...
Did you DO anything to me while I was unconscious?
[Zarbon] Did--
Did I *what*?
[Vegeta] Did you do anything to me while I was unconscious?
[Zarbon] What?!
No! GOD no!
[Vegeta] Oh, thank GOD, I ju--
Wait, what do you mean by that?
Am I not good enough for you?!
[Zarbon] Alright, Vegeta - I'm gonna be totally honest with you.
This is sounding really gay.
[Vegeta] Wha-I--
What are you--
[Zarbon] Not that there's anything wrong with that!
[Vegeta] Just--
Just- transform, damn you.
[Bulma] We're going to have a penthouse suite,
and he'll drive a Corvette,
and we'll make love every single--
KILL IT WITH FIRE!
[Zarbon, deep beastly voice] You've made a huge mistake, Vegeta.
Now prepare to die!
ROOAARRGH!
RRAGH...!
UUGH...!
[Vegeta] What was that? I couldn't hear you over that hole I made in your
STOMACH.
[Zarbon] But...
Vegeta...
Please...
Just ... give me a chance.
We ... could ... work ......
together--
[Vegeta] Yeah, yeah, I've heard that bit already.
Now, let me put this in a way you'll understand.
I'm about to blow my load all over your insides.
[Zarbon] ...WHAT, THE--
[Vegeta] No homo.
[Zarbon] AAAAAAAARRaaaaaaaugh...!
[Vegeta] ...Freaky Alien Genotype...
[♫ Closing theme (DBZ intermission) ♫]
[Dende] Guru, sir.
I have a question.
[Guru] Ask away.
[Dende] You've been around for so long.
Just how old are you?
[Guru] I am this many.
[Dende] ...You didn't raise your hand.
[Guru] That's how OLD I AAAAAAAMMMMM!
[Bulma] KILL IT WITH FIRE!