Prepare for a film so terrifying it will convince an entire generation of kids not to be astronauts.
GRAVITY.
You’ve seen it in pulse pounding IMAX 3-D.
Now, experience the massive letdown when you watch it on your crappy home television.
Or iPad.
Or phone.
Oh, man, that's depressing.
Please don't watch this movie on your phone.
Strap in for an epic visual experience visionary director Alfonso Cuaron spent 4 and a half
years meticulously crafting.
"Beautiful, don't you think?"
But the dialogue, not so much...
“Tell me about the hairy guy, tell me what happened.
Qhat happened to the hairy guy?”
Blast off with the hottest astronauts ever...
Ryan Stone, who really shouldn’t be allowed in space.
"What do I do?!
What do I do?!"
“Eenie meenie... ok, that doesn't sound good."
Matt “George Clooney” Kowalski.
A George Clooney-ish pilot with the charm of George Clooney...
"I know you never realized how devastatingly good looking I am"
“You’re attracted to me, right?”
And Shariff.
Who’s only there for 5 minutes before his face gets hole punched.
Ew.
When their simple reapir mission literally spirals out of control, you’ll be on the
edge of your seat, trying to hold in your barf.
"Kowalski, I have a visual."
Ugh, I gotta close my eyes.
Get ready for 90 minutes of bumping into stuff
and fighting against impossible odds to grab onto stuff.
Whoops!
Almost!
Stretch!
Almost got it!
Just a little more!
There ya go!
Drift through the terrifying silence of outer space where the only sound you can hear is
Sandra Bullock explaining the plot.
“Seven minutes to get out of here.”
“Clear skies with a chance of sattelite debris.”
"Let's go visit the Chinese Station."
Shia LaBoeuf-ing
"No no no no!"
and gasping for air.
"I can't breathe!
I can't breathe!"
So ride along for a thrilling adventure that will have audiences cheering when our hero
finally makes it back to Earth alive.
Even though we lost the space shuttle...
and the International Space Station...
and the Chinese Space Station...
and the Hubble Telescope...
and Facebook.
“Half of North America just lost their Facebook”
And made so much debris we won’t be able to leave the Earth for 100’s of years.
Guess we won’t be going to Mars anytime soon.
Starring...
Incompetent Ripley
Buzz Lightyear
Gus Fring
Countdowns
Timers
Alarms
and Wall-E.
GRAVITY.
God that tracking shot is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.
That’s not a joke, I just wanted to make sure it was on the record.
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