THANKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME, ONE AND ALL, TO "THE
LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS--
♪ ♪ ♪ YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, JON?
THAT IS A CERTIFIED FRIDAY AUDIENCE RIGHT THERE.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.
THEY'RE READY.
>> Stephen: IT'S ELECTRIC.
IT'S ELECTRIC.
YOU CAN'T FAKE THAT.
IT'S ALSO DAY THREE OF WHAT NANCY PELOSI HAS CALLED A
CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS, AND WHAT WE'RE CALLING
"OBSTRUCTION JUNCTION: OUR DEMOCRACY DOESN'T FUNCTION."
THIS WEEK-- THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, I KNOT YOU, I GOT YOU.
>> Stephen: EVERY DAY WE'LL PUMP IT UP A LITTLE.
THIS WEEK HAS BEEN ALL ABOUT TRUMP RESISTING ANY
CONGRESSIONAL OVERSIGHT.
OF ANY KIND.
HE REFUSED TO LET FORMER WHITE HOUSE COUNSEL DON McGAHN TURN
OVER DOCUMENTS, HE CLAIMED EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE OVER THE
ENTIRE MUELLER REPORT, AND HIS TREASURY DEPARTMENT REFUSED
TO GIVE UP HIS TAX RETURNS.
I CAN HARDLY WAIT FOR HIS NEXT ADDRESS TO CONGRESS.
( AS TRUMP )
OF OUR UNION IS NUNYA DAMN BUSINESS.
ALL RIGHT.
I GOT IT RIGHT THERE.
WHAT?
RIGHT THERE.
OH!
( APPLAUSE )
POWERLESS TO MAKE TRUMP COOPERATE.
YOU KNOW, SPER, ENTER, TODAY-- THIS WEEK--
ENTER TRUMP'S ARCH-NEMESIS: HIS HOME STATE.
ON WEDNESDAY, THE NEW YORK STATE SENATE PASSED A BILL THAT
WOULD ALLOW THE RELEASE OF PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP'S STATE
TAX RETURNS TO CONGRESS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LISTEN TO THAT.
LISTEN TO THESE PEOPLE.
THEY ARE SO EXCITED!
THESE PEOPLE RIGHT HERE, THIS AUDIENCE LOVES STATE TAXES!
( APPLAUSE )
A BAR, HAVE A COUPLE DRINKS, AND SLIP INTO SOMETING A 1040-EZ.
AND WE GOT A TASTE OF WHAT MIGHT BE IN TRUMP'S RETURNS EARLIER
THIS WEEK WHEN "THE NEW YORK TIMES" DOVE INTO HIS TAXES FROM
'85 TO '94.
AND THEY REVEALED THAT DURING THAT TIME, TRUMP LOST MORE MONEY
THAN NEARLY ANY OTHER INDIVIDUAL AMERICAN TAXPAYER, ACCOUNTING
FOR 1.7% OF ALL LOSSES DECLARED BY U.S. TAXPAYERS THAT YEAR.
THAT IS UNBELIEVABLE.
I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE HOW TO DESCRIBE SOMEONE WITH LOSSES
LIKE THAT.
>> THIS GUY IS A LOSER.
I MEAN, YOU TALK ABOUT SOMEBODY THAT'S A LOSER.
>> A PROVEN LOSER.
LOSER.
THAT WOULD BE THE WORK OF A LOSER.
>> Stephen: HE DOES HAVE ALL THE BEST WORDS.
BUT ALL THE YEARS TRUMP WAS LOSING MONEY-- WHICH, AGAIN,
SEEMS TO BE ALL THE YEARS-- HE WAS STILL SELLING HIMSELF AS A
SUCCESSFUL BILLIONAIRE.
AND THE MEDIA WAS HAPPY TO PITCH IN.
FOR INSTANCE, IN 1984, TRUMP WANTED A BETTER RANKING ON THE
"FORBES" 400, SO THE MAGAZINE GOT A CALL FROM A MYSTERIOUS
MEMBER OF THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION, TRYING TO CONVINCE
THEM THAT TRUMP'S FATHER, FRED HIS WEALTH TO DONALD.
>> OKAY.
( LAUGHTER )
ULTIMATE."
I ONLY KNOW ONE OTHER PERSON WHO MANGLES THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
LIKE THAT.
>> WE COULD HAVE A HEALTHCARE BILL THAT WOULD BE THE ULTIMATE.
NO MORE NUCLEAR WEAPONS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD WILL BE
THE ULTIMATE.
LET'S JUST WIN ON NOVEMBER THE 8th.
THAT WOULD BE THE ULTIMATE.
GOD IS THE ULTIMATE.
>> Stephen: "GOD IS THE ULTIMATE"?
HE SOUNDS LIKE A YOUTH PASTOR WHO LONGBOARDS.
( AS TRUMP )
ULTIMATE JUDGE, THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR.
AND YOU SHOULD SEE GOD PLAY ULTIMATE FRISBEE.
UNBELIEVABLE.
SO, YES, THAT WAS TRUMP ON THE PHONE POSING AS HIS OWN HYPE
MAN.
HE EVEN ONCE ADMITTED THAT HE WAS JOHN BARRON, TESTIFYING
UNDER OATH IN 1990 THAT: I BELIEVE, ON OCCASION, I USED
THAT NAME.
I HAVE MANY NAMES.
THE EGYPTIANS CALLED ME APEP THE SERPENT.
THE TLINGIT PEOPLE OF THE NORTHWEST CALLED ME RAVEN.
IN MEDIEVAL TIMES, I WAS KNOWN AS BAALZEBUL, FATHER OF
LIES.
I ALSO ANSWER TO "SENOR SPANKY-PANTS."
BUT--
CLEAN THAT UP.
"FORBES" DIDN'T EVEN TRY TO FACT-CHECK.
ALL THEY HAD TO DO WAS CALL UP THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION AND ASK
IF A JOHN BARRON WORKED THERE, AND THE SWITCHBOARD OPERATOR
WOULD HAVE SAID:
OH, YES, JOHN BARRON.
AMAZING GUY, TOTALLY WORKS HERE, OR MY NAME'S NOT
JEFF...
TELEPHONE-HAND.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT NOW THAT WE KNOW, NO ONE WILL EVER FALL FOR THIS AGAIN,
AND THE-- WHAT'S THIS?
THIS IS UNUSUAL.
I'M BEING TOLD WE'RE GETTING A CALL FROM THE WHITE HOUSE.
LET'S PATCH IT THROUGH.
HI, THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT.
WHO AM I SPEAKING WITH?
>> JOHN.
( LAUGHTER )
>> JOHN BARRON.
>> Stephen: WAIT, JOHN BARRON FROM THE TRUMP ORGANIZATION?
>> YES, DEFINITELY REAL JOHN BARRON.
I'M HERE IN MY OFFICES WITH MY ASSOCIATES RONALD STAPLER,
PHILLIP DIET COKE JR., AND ANDREW PAINTING OF ANDREW
JACKSON.
I'M A HUGE, HUGE FAN OF THE SHOW.
I THINK YOU'RE GREAT.
>> Stephen: WELL, THANK YOU, MR. BARRON.
>> ANYWAY, I'M CALLING TO TELL YOU YOU'RE HORRIBLE.
I SAW YOU SPREADING FAKE NEWS LIES ABOUT DONALD TRUMP'S NET
WORTH, AND YOU'RE WRONG.
HE'S VERY, VERY RICH AND INCREDIBLY HANDSOME.
>> Stephen: THAT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING DONALD TRUMP
WOULD SAY.
>> OF COURSE I WOULD.
I JUST DID.
DAMMIT.
GOD, YOU'RE GOOD.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, MR. PRESIDENT, WHILE I HAVE
YOU-- PLAWZ UPON OKAY.
MR. PRESIDENT-- KEEP HIM ON THE LINE.
MR. PRESIDENT, WHILE I HAVE YOU ON THE PHONE, CAN YOU TELL US
THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU'RE ACTUALLY WORTH?
>> OF COURSE.
MY ACTUAL NET WORTH IS-- HOLD ON.
SOMEONE JUST WALKED IN.
CLOMP, CLOMP, CLOMP.
( LAUGHTER )
SHE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
HI, STEVE, IT'S ME, MELANIA TRUMP.
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH DONALD IS VERY CLOSE AND VERY SEXY.
WE HAVE TO GO NOW SO I CAN KISS HIM A LOT, WHICH HE IS REALLY
GOOD AT.
BYE-BYE!
HE'S RICH!
>> Stephen: JOHN BARRON, EVERYBODY.