Thanks so much for coming, Norm.
People don't know this, Norm Macdonald is not feeling well.
He's been sick, but he was a real trooper
and he showed up anyway.
I've been sick like three days.
I was barfing and had diarrhea and everything.
Okay. Well, we didn't need to know that.
You could've said,
"I've been feeling a little uh, flu-ish."
Under the weather.
A little under the weather,
but you're feeling okay right now?
You know, I'm kind of a hypochondriac,
so when I get sick I wanna find out if I'm gonna die,
you know, from it.
And so I try to like, think, where did I get the sickness?
You ever do that?
Yeah. You figure,
Did I come in contact with something?
What? You know, how did I get it?
Yeah. 'Cause I know, like, Ross Abrash,
this guy who works up at Saturday Night Live,
He was sick last week. Maybe I got it from him.
I remember I ate some shellfish a few days ago.
And then yesterday I got stabbed with a rusty syringe,
by this 80 pound homeless guy.
(Audience laughing)
Probably Ross Abrash. That's right.
Yeah, yeah. I was just saying it was Ross Abrash.
Yeah, probably was him.
You know Tonya Addy?
Who?
She works on your show, I just talked to her.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't talk to people on my show.
I deal with everyone through lawyers and intermediaries.
Oh my lord.
I'm like Elvis in like, 1976.
I'm in a room with the shades drawn,
Eating a lot of peanut butter, shooting at TV sets.
Oh my lord!
(Laughing) Yeah. Go to town, my friend.
Uh, what about her?
Who?
(Audience laughing)
You are feeling a little unwell, aren't you?
I just wanted to see if you remember her name.
Sure, yeah.
I just told you.
Yeah, Tonya.
What's her last name?
Oh, come on, we gotta get the show going.
(Audience laughing)
But she was telling me, this is interesting.
She was telling me that you had that movie,
The Elephant Man?
[Conan] Yeah?
We were just talking about it backstage,
and I always thought it was a stupid movie.
And she said it's a really good movie.
And I said, the stupidest thing in it is because,
you know that part where she...
Where the guy says "I am a human, I am not an elephant!"
"I am a human being!"
Yeah, "I'm not a monster," I think. Whatever
"I'm a human, I'm not an animal. I'm a human being."
Tonya just pointed that out to me,
that it's "I am not an animal."
Because that was always stupid.
Like the guy doesn't even hardly look like an elephant.
(Audience laughing)
You would be the worst movie critic in the world.
You know?
If you had your own movie criticism show,
and you came on and, "this whole movie sucked!"
"He's not an ele- oh wait."
"Oh, I'm sorry. Forget what I said."
Anyway. It has nothing to do with anything.
It's just Tonya and I were talking backstage.
[Conan] Yeah. Tonya who? Quick.
Addy.
Ha, right.
See, I knew.
You got the Weekend Update coming up.
You got some topical jokes you got brewing.
I know you, your mind's always going.
I'm always thinking about the jokes from the paper,
you know? Especially when I come on your show, you know?
You know how I come on your show
and I always try to have some jokes from the newspaper?
Sorta like now, yeah.
So here's the joke I got.
[Conan] Yeah?
You all know about this woman, right?
From Denmark that left her baby out in the street.
How do you feel about that, folks?
(Audience booing)
(Conan laughing)
I don't like it either. I don't think that's right.
Yeah. Good joke.
(Audience applauding)
Oh, no.
That was the premise...
Update would be so for you, it would be such a great gig
if that's all you did. What do you think about that?
Boo. Yeah, alright.
And in our other story, President Clinton hurt his knee.
What do you think? Aww, too bad. Yeah, okay.
No, no, the point of it is this.
I have a joke about it.
'Cause they got reunited today, it was in the newspaper.
in the New York Post and the New York Daily News.
And so I was thinking,
now they're flying back to Denmark,
and this crazy woman
puts the baby out on the wing.
(Scattered laughter)
Do you want to try another one?
Or do you wanna...
It's your choice.
[Andy] I think the fever's breaking.
(Audience laughing)
There was another one in favor to that..
You realize that this now doubles the pressure
on this one.
So everyone, this creates a real tense TV moment.
I swear to God, this one will really do well.
(Conan laughing)
This one concerns a fella
that won the lottery.
And he was a garbage man, and he won the lottery.
He won the New York state lottery,
and he won like 8 million dollars,
And he said, he's not quit his job.
And you've always heard that, right?
[Conan] Right, I'm gonna keep my job.
I'm going to keep my job.
and there's only one occupation where the person does not
keep his job when he wins the lottery.
You know what that occupation is?
[Conan] No.
Crack whore.
(Audience laughing)
That was amazing. You pulled it out.
I was worried about you for a minute.
I thought you were in deep trouble.
I thought you might get backed into a corner.
Have a lot more pressure on you and then not have anything.
I know.
But the pitch came in low and towards the middle,
And you put it out of the park.
No, I didn't.
(Conan laughing)
What are you talking about?
When people hear crack whore they just start laughing.
That's just the reaction people have.
[Andy] Imagine birds fly in and sing a song,
(Singing) Crack whore!
(Audience laughing)
What are you doing now?
I just saw on the TV, my hair.
Okay.
(Audience laughing)
All right.
What we're gonna do is, uh,
we're gonna take a little commercial break.
I'm going to get security in here.
And then we're going to come back
we're gonna talk to you some more.
'Cause you're gonna have some fluids during the break
and stuff.
Fluids?
Yeah, you'll see.
We'll get that Tonya girl to get them for you.
I thought, when you said that
I thought you meant fluids out of my ass.
(Audience laughing)
You know, a couple of times...
A couple of times in the four years
I've been doing these shows,
someone has stopped me just before I went to commercial
to try one more joke.
That was the most worthwhile of all this time.
(Audience applauding)
We'll take a break, everybody. We'll be right back.
Hey everybody, we're here with a rehydrated Norm Macdonald,
How you doing?
Good, man.
You know, uh...
I'm over here. Yeah.
You did the White House correspondence dinner.
I didn't catch the whole thing.
I caught, I think the second half of your act,
this is a big tradition in Washington,
that the president speaks
and then they get a comedian to speak.
And you did a great job. You were really funny.
They have, the president comes up and talks,
and he has a lot of fun, he does jokes, you know?
I didn't know that.
I thought he'd just talk about the country
and stuff like that. But he does jokes.
[Conan] Yeah.
And he kills, you know, he does great.
'Cause he's the president, you know?
And then you have to go on after him, after the president!
See, I did it one year and I was the last guy,
I think, who got to do it.
I went first, and then the president spoke about issues
and stuff, and it's much better that way.
You had to follow him.
You had to follow the president, you know?
And that's not good, you know?
(Conan laughing)
You ever hear that there was an old show business maxim,
never follow the leader of the free world.
(Conan laughing)
I know that one, yeah.
I can't even follow Carrot Top.
And now I'm trying to follow this character.
You know, we have a photo of Carrot Top
always on the ready.
Can we have a photo of Carrot Top, Liz?
Put it up just so people can see Carrot Top.
Yeah. But, it went good. I saw some, uh, you know.
It must've been an impressive event.
It was cool to meet the president,
And although he's all crippled up now he's got,
he's got like...
[Conan] That's not politically correct.
"He's all crippled up."
What do you call it?
He's just disabled. At the moment.
Disabled. He's handicap.
There you go.
Actually when you think about it, he's handicapped,
and he's the president of the United States.
He must have an unbelievable parking spot,
when you think about it, you know?
(Conan laughing)
He's gotta be.
It's a short walk.
Yeah, it's very short to the building.
But you know, when you have to...
They made me do this, they made me screen my jokes
with the secret service, you know those guys?
Yeah.
And so I had to give my jokes to secret service,
they they're reading them and they don't laugh, those guys.
You know? They're not big laughers.
[Conan] They didn't...
They're not risible. A guy told me that word.
You know what that means?
I don't know who you are tonight.
(Audience laughing)
I don't know what that word is.
That's something for you to learn there.
That word means easy to make laugh, risible.
[Conan] Risible.
Risible. Easy to make laugh.
[Conan] Good, yeah. Okay.
We wish we had some risible people in here tonight.
(Audience laughing)
So...
Let's pack the audience with some risible people.
No, I don't blame them.
No, not at all.
Why should blame them?
No, they're good people.
They should've just gone crazy at crack whore.
(Audience laughing)
Well, I'll tell you this about the secret service.
They have to learn a lot and come back.
I'll tell you this about the secret service.
I admire them because they have a tough job.
Their job is to get shot.
(Audience laughing)
That's their job, getting shot in the belly.
(Conan laughing)
No, I think their job is...
Yeah, maybe that's a byproduct of their job.
No, that's their job.
(Laughing) Oh, really?
Yeah, their job's not just to hang around,
listening in their ear things.
Uh-huh.
Nobody cares about that.
The president, he wants,
If anybody wants to shoot him, he says to the guys,
he goes, "listen. Instead of them shooting me,"
"Do you mind if they shoot you in the belly?"
(Audience laughing)
You think he talks to them like that?
They have a little huddle before he goes somewhere?
I'm telling you, man, but it's scary.
Cause when I did my talk,
they told me that podium is like,
bulletproof and everything.
The president has all...
And they, before he goes into a room
they bring a bunch of dogs in to sniff out guns, you know?
And it's like very... like, if I was the president,
holy God, I'd be scared the whole time.
[Conan] Really? Well no, he's well-protected.
No, but still, everybody wants to kill you.
I mean, not everybody.
Most people like you, you're the president.
Right.
But a lot of guys want to kill you.
I don't think that's necessarily true.
Believe me. I was there.
(Audience laughing)
And did you meet anybody?
Any heroes of yours? Any big celebrities?
I met Larry Flint.
(Conan laughing)
He's not my hero, but he's a guy.
He's a famous guy.
Sure, he's famous. He's well known.
I enjoy meeting famous guys, you know?
And he came out and he's in a wheelchair,
and he talks like this. He goes,
(Norm groaning)
And, uh...
(Audience laughing)
It's not his fault, it's not his fault.
He was shot.
(Audience laughing)
He was, he said...
'Cause I was in the movie.
The People Against Larry Flint.
Vs.
Vs. Larry Flint.
You are in the movie!
(Norm laughing)
People vs., it was a famous movie and you're in it.
I was in it.
I was one of the people that was vs. him.
So he said to me, "hey,"
(Norm groaning)
He's a good guy, he's a good guy.
No, but this is what he said to me.
He goes, "hey, when you're in Los Angeles, you know,"
I said I was coming to Los Angeles.
He goes, "when you're in Los Angeles,"
he goes, "look me up, 'cause I'll take care of you."
(Conan laughing)
When other people say that, you think like,
that means nothing.
But coming from him...
Like if my uncle Phil told me that, from Minneapolis.
I'd think... if he went, "I'll take care of you,"
"When you come to Minneapolis,"
That means like, I'll you a make a nice chicken pot pie.
But Larry Flint, that means, you know,
I'll get you a couple of hot, dirty broads, you know?
And then while you're having sex
Then I'll come into my wheelchair. Ah! You know?
(Audience clapping)
Okay! Well...
(Conan laughing)
Saturday Night Live, season finale.
I should tell them about this.
Yeah, it's gonna be a good one.
Jeff Goldblum who you know as the...
(Banging)
(Audience laughing)
God almighty.
Someone shot a gun.
No one shot a gun, it was the guitar feeding back.
Oh, it was the guitar? Oh.
Yeah. You're obsessed.
I don't know.
It was the guitar feeding back.
Jeff Goldblum, The Fly. He's gonna be there.
Yeah. He's been in other stuff.
Yeah, also the dinosaur.
(Audience laughing)
Let's keep going, come on. Hurry up.
We gotta go. I'm gonna throw up.
Norm Macdonald, everybody. Other people are coming on.