-Can this powerful mind trick change kid's behavior for good?
-I'm Vicki Jenkins a speech language pathologist. -And I'm Dr. Paul Jenkins a clinical psychologist
and back in graduate school, I learned this mind trick. It's absolutely powerful when it's applied
correctly. -So the other day I was watching this video it was so funny to me. There was
a grandma who wanted to do some cooking with her little grandson and he was maybe three
and it was so funny because as she would crack the eggs in he would just dive into
the bowl and take bites and she's like, no... and then she put in the flour and he's eating
matt she put in everything. He was constantly into that bowl and she was constantly trying
to manage that. -This video is hard to watch. -It's hilarious. -As a parent. -Yeah. -Right and it's
funny too because this little guy is just loving it and getting both arms literally into the mix.
-Elbow deep. -And it's this is sugar oh I want some of that and he'd shove it in his mouth. Grandma
was visibly a little frustrated having a hard time directing things and the reason I think that's
such a fun video Vicki or one of the reasons is because we as parents sometimes have a problem
with something that our kids don't seem to be bothered by at all. -Exactly. -And that's where we get
to start with this particular mind trick. Because someone is bothered and whoever is bothered
is the one who has the problem. -They're the owner. -Once we know who owns the problem we can get clear
about who's going to solve it. Because I'll give you a hint the person who doesn't own the problem.
-They're not interested in solving anything. -Not to give us a little three-year-old boy.
-He was happy to have full access to all the sugar and of the day and the butter. -The person
who owns the problem is the person who's paying the cost. The person who's bothered. The person who
is the most motivated now to fix it. So, this mind trick has to do with shifting the cost
back over to somebody else. Back in graduate school they gave us a label for that it's called
response cost and this comes from behavioral psychology and when it's properly applied it's
really powerful. I'm going to walk you through all of the steps of response cost. Before I do that
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-Okay, response cost. You know I've taken a lot of classes and courses over my education as well and
sometimes it's a little hard to keep everything clear. Let's talk about what response cost is and
make it easy for us to remember. -So start with barking ticket. Alright, if my behavior is
that I park in a place where I wasn't supposed to be. There's a cost for that. I get a parking ticket
and then I have to pay money. Okay, so there's a cost to me for the response. That's all you need
to remember about the title. But let's look at how this works practically. Let's say you have
a young child who thinks it's really funny to say potty words. Do you know what I mean by that?
-Everything is a child. -You've got it you know and they think it's funny and their brothers
and sisters are laughing at them when they say it because it's so cute. -And when we say don't
say it we're actually giving it more worth right. So we're gonna try response cost instead.
-We're attaching a cost to that response. -Okay. -Right now they're getting paid for it because
their siblings are laughing at them or they're getting attention. So using the potty
words as an example let's say that little Lindsay is learning some words that you don't want her to
keep repeating. Okay, so we get a ziplock bag you know those the ones that seal up at the top. You
put her name across it in permanent marker Lindsay. Because then she sees that and she knows it
hers okay we're talking about ownership as well and you put inside of the bag 10 things
that Lindsay really likes. This might be candy gum, stickers, tokens, money, you put it in the back
and so she can see it in there and it's hers. Now, here's how we set it up with Lindsay.
"Lindsay, you know those words we've been working on that really bother mommy?". -"You come in with I'm not
going to nag you about saying those words anymore. You know what our kind of family policy is about
respectful language and so I'm not going to nag you anymore. Here's this little treat bag isn't
this great? This is yours. You get all of these in here or however many are left. So, at such and such
a time and you're going to pick that up you're going to say you get everything that's left in
this bag. However, if I hear one of those potty words I'm just going to take one out and it's
now mine. But no problem because you're in charge of the words you use. You can have all of those
treats or none of them it's up to you and it's okay with me", -Now, you get everything that's left
tomorrow at three o'clock. -So, put a time so they know when they get to enjoy their treat
and it truly is their treat. -So, how do you handle this now when the potty words come out?
We're changing the reaction is simply a response cost. -So I'm we're going to warn you you're still
going to want to say don't say, oh I'm taking this because you're saying that word. That takes all the
power out of the response cost. So, you simply they say the potty world word you go in. Make sure it's
visible they see you you take it out. I don't know eat it put it in your pocket whatever you
got to do. -Well, because it's yours now. It's no longer theirs. It was a cost for that response.
-And put no judgment or shame or anything do this as
emotionally important as you absolutely can. That's really key for this too.
Because if you're upset now suddenly you've taken control again. We want them to kind of it needs
to become their problem. So if you're still upset, I told you if you said those words you were gonna
lose something. Now it's your problem because you are the one who's really upset about it. So,
very unemotionally and now you get to let them deal with it. -No, they're not gonna be happy. -No, you
might see a little storm. -Little Lindsay is going to think. -That's not fair you said those were mine.
-Right but it's simply a cost and approach this with empathy. Vicki I love what you were
saying about detaching some of the emotion from that it's a business transaction.
Oh, you wanted to purchase a body word okay and you reach in and you take and you honor her choice
and you do it with empathy not I told you so. Empathy, because she's going to be upset.
"Oh, sweetie, you're upset about losing that. I understand that. You've still got some left",
and you can say that as often as you can afford and that way we're slipping in some real
life learning. Let me give you another example about how you can do this. I had
a mom just this week in one of our parent coaching groups who had a son 13 years old who was totally
deaf to her voice. I don't know if you've experienced this with your teenagers.
Deaf couldn't hear her at least that's what it appeared to mom. So she would say his name he would
ignore. Finally by the third or fourth time he would indignantly say, "I heard you the first time",
but mom couldn't tell. We can use this in that case as well. You put the 10 things that Josh in
this case likes you put those in the bag you say, "Hey, I'm not going to nag you I'm just doing
an experiment and I like to call it that sometimes. I'm just doing an experiment to see if I need
to schedule an appointment with an audiologist to have your ears checked. I don't know. So I'm
just testing and when I say your name if you respond respectfully I'll know that you can hear
me. If you don't I'll simply take one of these as payment for my effort and I'll ask you again. Now
you get everything that's left at five o'clock and I like to throw this part in, any questions?".
I throw that in because some kids that haven't worked with me before. They have this deplorable
lack of curiosity and they don't ask any question.s But kids who have worked with me for a while
they're like oh so what are you saying wait so... what happens if and ask better questions.
But throw that in any questions and then we're detaching emotionally simply putting a cost on the
response. That's what response cost is. Hopefully you found some of these tips helpful. There are
certain things we need to know as parents. This next video will give you five powerful secrets
that every parent needs to know about teaching children responsibility. Cue that one up next.