( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.
MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN WHO WROTE, DIRECTED, AND STARS IN
THE NEW MOVIE "DEAN."
>> I CAN'T LIVER THERE.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
IT MAKES NO SENSE FOR ME TO STAY THERE.
IT'S TOO BIG?
>> IT'S TOO BIG?
>> YEAH.
>> COULD YOU JUST, LIKE, NOT USE ALL THE ROOMS OR SOMETHING.
MAYBE YOU COULD, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, COVER UP THE FURNITURE
WITH SHEETS, DON'T GO IN THERE.
>> LIKE I'M A COUNTESS?
>> I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK THIS IS HASTY.
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS.
I GREW UP THERE.
I DON'T WANT TO SELL OUR HOUSE.
>> DEAN, IT ( MUSIC PLAYING )
OH, MY GOD!
THAT'S MY PHONE.
SORRY.
HERE WE GO.
I'M-- I'M-- I CAN'T TALK NOW.
I'M WITH MY SON.
YOU SEE, I'M BUSY.
>> IT CAN'T SEE YOU.
IT'S MORE OF A VOICE THING.
>> Stephen: PLEASE WELCOME DEMETRI MARTIN.
♪ ♪ ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY.
>> HOW ARE YOU?
>> Stephen: GOOD, NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.
>> Stephen: IT'S BEEN A WHITE WHOOIL BURNGHT PEOPLE MAY NOT
KNOW THIS THAT YOU AND I WERE BOTH CORRESPONDENTS ON "THE
DAILY SHOW.
OF.
>> YES, ONE OF US WAS MORE SUCCESSFUL AT IT, BUT WE WERE
BOTH.
>> Stephen: JUST LONGER.
WHEN DID YOU FIRST START THERE?
>> I STARTED THERE AS AN INTERN.
I THINK IT WAS, LIKE, '97.
>> Stephen: THAT'S WHEN I-- >> YEAH --
>> Stephen: SO THAT WAS BACK IN THE CRAIG KILBURN DAYS.
>> I THINK A COUPLE OF MONTHS BEFORE YOU STARTED.
I'M NOT PULLING RANK OR ANYTHING BUT I HAVE SENIORITY --
>> Stephen: YOU UNDERSTAND.
YOU COME BEFORE ME IN THE LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOG.
>> I'M SORRY, I COULDN'T MAKE IT TO THE REUNION.
>> Stephen: SORRY, YEAH, NO PROBLEM.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I HEARD YOU DROPPED OUT OF LAW SCHOOL TO BE A PERFORMER.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
>> I WAS FEELING LIKE MY FAMILY WAS GETTING KIND OF PROUD OF ME
AND, LIKE, A LITTLE CLOSE TO BEING PROUD OF ME.
AND I WAS LIKE...
>> Stephen: LAW SCHOOL, THAT WOULD HAVE MADE THEM PROUD?
>> YEAH, SO I THOUGHT, COMEDIAN, THAT SHOULD FIX THINGS.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: DID THEY WORRY?
DID THEY WORRY, LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE?
>> YEAH, YEAH.
PEOPLE WERE REALLY DISAPPOINTED.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S KIND OF FREEDOM, THOUGH.
I THINK DISAPPROVAL IS KIND OF FREEDOM IN A WAY.
ONCE YOU DISAPPOINT PEOPLE, YOU CAN KIND OF DO ANYTHING-- YOU
WANT TO BE A DANCER, A POET.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
>> Stephen: SURE, BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS A STEP UP.
>> I THINK SO -- >> Stephen: FROM COMEDIAN,
EVERYTHING IS A STEP UP.
>> THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE FAMOUS FOR SHORT JOKES.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SIMPLE, SHOT JOKES.
>> THAT'S A KIND WORD "FAMOUS."
I TELL SHORT JOKES.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE RENOWNED FOR IT.
>> I'M TAIG THAT.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE SHORTEST JOKE.
>> HENNY YOUNGMAN FAMOUSLY DID, "TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE."
THAT'S FOUR WORDS.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
RIGHT?
OKAY, GOOD.
I DON'T HAVE-- I TRIED TO WRITE A FOUR-WORD JOKE, AND IT
DOESN'T-- IT DOESN'T REALLY WORK SO I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SAY IT
ON TV BUT THIS IS THE BEST I HAVE OF A FOUR-WORD JOKE--
CANNIBALS MAKE ME DINNER.
>> Stephen: THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
>> THANK YOU.
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S WHAT I NEED.
YEAH, THANKS.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT'S A GREAT JOKE, BUT --
>> Stephen: YOU'RE ALSO KNOWN FOR YOUR DRAWINGS.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: ARE THESE IN A PARTICULAR ORDER.
>> YEAH, THESE ARE STESKLY-- I WORKED THIS OUT.
THIS WILL MINIMIZE AWKWARD SILENCE.
>> Stephen: I LIKE AWKWARD SILENCE, THOUGH.
>> YEAH, THAT'S WHERE I LIVE, SO THAT'S OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS-- WHAT I LIKE ABOUT
DRAWINGS IS YOU CAN DO JOKES WITH JUST-- WITH NO WORDS
SOMETIMES OR JUST, LIKE, A SHAPE OR SOMETHING.
THIS WAS MY FIRST KIND OF COMEDY DRAWING I DID YEARS AGO.
AND THIS IS-- I CALL THIS CINNAMON ROLL OR DOG (BLEEP).
IF YOU LOOK AT THAT, IT'S KIND OF A P.O.V. THING.
>> Stephen: IT'S UP TO YOU.
KIND OF A GLASS HALF EMPTY.
I'LL TAKE THAT.
>> SO THE LETTER "M."
WHEN I STARTED DRAWING, I STARTED TO NOTICE, YOU KNOW, YOU
SEE THINGS THAT MAYBE YOU DIDN'T SEE BEFORE.
THE LETTER "M," I NEVER HAD TROUBLE WITH THE LETTER "M."
IT'S FINE.
BUT DITHINK ABOUT IT, AND I FELT LIKE THERE WAS AN EMOTIONAL
FEELING I GOT FROM AN "M," KIND OF UNEASY.
>> AND DIDN'T KNOW WHY.
BUT THEN I REALIZED WHAT IT WAS, AND THE "M" KIND OF HAS AN
AGGRESSION TO IT.
IT LOOKS LIKE-- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, KIND OF A GUY'S CROTCH.
SPREAD EAG GLEL OR WELCOMING.
>> THE "W" IS EVEN WORSE, I SAY.
BECAUSE IT'S KIND OF A FACE PLANT, BONY ASS KIND OF THING.
YOU CAN ALSO EXPLORE INFORMATION WITH DRAWINGS, DATA.
THIS IS A BAR GRAPH.
SO THIS WOULD BE HOW INTERESTING YOU FIND YOUR CHILDREN.
AND THIS IS HOW INTERESTING I I FIND YOUR CHILDREN.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN SEE IT'S KIND OF-- AS IT
SHOULD BE.
IT SHOULDN'T BE THE OPPOSITE, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S TRUE.
>> THIS IS A LITTLE MORE ELABORATE.
THIS IS PRAYING.
THIS IS HOW MUCH PEOPLE PRAY BASED ON THE LOCATION THEY'RE
IN.
IN CHURCH PEOPLE PLAY A PRETTY GOOD AMOUNT.
IN A LOCKER ROOM BEFORE A CHAMPIONSHIP GAME.
IN COURT.
KNEELING BEFORE THE TOILET IS OFF THE CHARTS.
THAT'S WHERE PEOPLE PRAY THE MOST.
AND IN A JACUZZI, VERY LITTLE.
PEOPLE DON'T LOOK FOR GOD.
THIS IS THINGS THAT PRAY.
THIS IS PEOPLE AND MANTISES.
SO IT'S CEEND OF A TIE.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS KIND OF COOL.
THIS IS A DRAWING OF SKULL AND CROSSBONES WHEN HE WAS STILL
ALIVE.
SO THIS IS BEFORE-- ( LAUGHTER )
KIND OF LIKE A-- ( APPLAUSE )
ALL RIGHT, COOL.
>> Stephen: HAPPIER DAYS.
>> WE'RE GROWN MEN AND WE'RE DOING THIS.
OKAY, HERE WE GO.
SO THIS IS-- I THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A GOOD SIGN FOR A STRIP
CLUB DURING THE DAY TIME.
"SORRY, WE'RE CLOTHED."
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THAT'S A THREE-WORD JOKE RIGHT THERE.
>> SO FINALLY, THIS IS KIND OF SOME MORE INFORMATION HERE.
SO PETS, IT'S INTERESTING TO ME, IF YOU HAVE ONE PET, THAT'S
OKAY.
YOU HAVE A PET, GREAT.
YOU'RE LIVING WITH AN ANIMAL GREAT.
YOU HAVE FOUR, I THINK YOU'RE KIND OF DESPERATE ONCE YOU GET
TO FOUR PETS.
32, YOU'RE CRAZY.
I THINK WITH 32 ANIMALS THAT'S A CRAZY PERSON.
WHAT'S INTERESTING IS TEETH ARE THE DIRECT OPPOSITE.
32 OKAY.
1 CRAZY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THERE IT IS.
>> THANKS, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: "DEAN" OPENS JUNE 2.
DEMETRI MARTIN, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PAULA POUNDSTONE.