-Hey, everybody.
"It's a little cold outside, but that doesn't mean
'Corrections' aren't heating up."
Ugh. Baze.
[ Laughter ]
George Washington, we said he wore a powdered wig.
I was told by a bunch of people,
George Washington didn't wear a wig.
He had red hair that he powdered.
And he powdered it because, in his words,
"Our allies will never trust a ginger."
I said that Donatello, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle,
stopped wearing his mask because
last he checked, this was America.
Turtle fans, Mutant Ninja Turtle fans came out in force
and said Donatello was the smartest
of the Ninja Turtles.
More likely, it would be Raphael.
But in reality, the smart ones are often the first to reject
scientific consensus, because they're smart enough to know
that will get them booked on podcasts.
I am, I will admit, anti-mask.
Not N95 mask.
I'm anti
the Mutant Ninja Turtles wearing masks.
Because why?
Is it a disguise?
Like, if they didn't wear them,
like, would they be able to go about their regular life...
...like, above-ground as just walking,
talking turtles?
Also,
could you not recognize them,
'cause this part is covered?
Here, do a little -- a little experiment.
Do you -- Do you guys know it's still me?
[ Laughter ]
Many thanks to Eric, who got a call
only like 90 minutes ago.
Yeah.
"Corrections" is a team effort.
I said in order to be a serial killer,
it has to be three victims.
This was something I was told.
Then -- Again, we often have this.
Someone clarifies the point on behalf of another jackal.
The FBI changed and said it's now two or more.
So if you got one, halfway there.
And then I looked it up, and there was --
I read,
basically a report from this 2005 FBI symposium
sponsored by the FBI's National Center
for the Analysis of Violent Crime,
and read about this reclassification.
The best thing I read on the entire --
And this was pages and pages about the behavioral science
the FBI uses to catch criminals.
But right at the bottom,
I read something that just delighted me to no end.
It was the agenda for the day.
And it's said Monday, August 29, 2005,
7:30 to 8:00 a.m., continental breakfast.
They're just like us.
FBI, the F -- They're just like us.
I know I'm at risk of getting myself in trouble here,
but I do
want to say something nice about serial killers.
They're the only criminals who take the time
to write a note.
In this day and age, when we're just moving so fast,
the fact that they -- Often a handwritten note
that addresses the head detective by name.
You know, in these -- When's the last time
that detective got a handwritten note?
Probably when he read one from his wife
saying, like, "I've taken the kids
to go -- I've taken the kid to my mom's.
You love your job more than them anyway," you know?
I guess kidnappers, but their notes are like,
"Do this! Leave it here! Don't --"
Kidnappers notes are --
Arsonists
love to tell you they left one.
[ Laughter ]
Someti-- I mean, they sometimes even build a little code,
serial killers, for you to solve.
We didn't always have Wordle.
[ Laughter ]
I said Prince Andrew rescinded his title.
It was revoked by the Queen.
He didn't rescind his title.
She took it away. And I guess
it took away his patronages.
I don't know what any of this means. His --
Anyway, they're distancing --
He's not allowed to say His Royal Highness anymore,
because they're distancing themselves.
The royal family, from what I've read,
is distancing themselves from Prince Andrew.
The problem's always going to be the prince in his name...
...as far as the distancing goes.
What they should do is give him --
If they made him wear one of these --
We said a single piece of confetti
was called a confettum.
That was a comedy way of saying it.
I mean, man, I can't believe how many of you knew
it was called a confetto.
But did you know Confetto
was also the fifth Mutant Ninja Turtle?
Who loved to party.
Little bit too hard.
This isn't a correction
as much as a clarification.
Last night was a great night. David Letterman,
the David Letterman, was sitting right here.
Incredible to get to talk to him.
And he told a wonderful story about when zookeeper Jack Hanna,
a frequent guest on his show,
was bitten by a beaver on his hand
and had to be taken to a New York City E.R.
because of how
much blood
came out when the beaver bit him. And the reason
I bring this up -- This is the clarification.
At one point, David Letterman said,
"You must have an animal guy," and I said I didn't.
And he said, "Oh, my God. You got to get an animal guy."
Here's the thing. We had an animal guy on this show.
Lovely. But there was a moment on this show,
the last time we had animals on the show,
we had a sloth.
And we were over there, and at one point --
The audience loved it.
I mean, being in the same room as a sloth?
But at one point, I made eye contact with the sloth,
who very much had an expression that said,
"I don't want to be here."
And I know that expr--
I've seen it on numerous guests.
[ Laughter ]
But they choose to be here.
That is the difference.
The sloth --
You know, people come here. they're plugging a project.
What's the sloth --
I don't think the sloth cares how many people come to the zoo,
I mean, unless they're sloth liberators.
So I, you know, I made -- And for a sloth
to make this expression to me,
it required so much effort, 'cause his head was here
and it had to come all the way over here.
The whole segment,
which was like six minutes, it was just --
And you could just -- The sweat
coming down the temples of the cloth,
hoping that it would make eye contact
before the end of the segment. And it did.
And so since that day, I just thought to myself,
all things being equal, I don't --
I don't want an animal that doesn't want to be here
to be here. Also,
somebody else screwed up.
They had told the sloth he was going to be on "Fallon."
[ Laughter ]
So I think it was twofold.
Oh. I didn't know if I was going to tell you guys or not,
but I'm wearing a new jacket.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sighs ] Long story.
I'll tell it 'cause I'm assuming
everyone who watches "Corrections" are first-timers.
[ Laughter ]
Talked about Olive Garden.
"When you're here, you're family."
It turns out Jimmy Fallon got the rights
to "When you're here, you're family."
I was angry at NBC.
They then got me the rights to
"Nobody out-pizzas the Hut"
for me to use on the show.
That was a fib.
I was fibbing. I didn't -- I didn't really get the rights to
But we did mention pizza.
And the good people at Pizza Hut,
they reached out,
and they sent pizza for the crew today.
And I just want to thank them for that.
That was such a very nice gesture.
And this jacket.
And I had no intention of wearing the jacket out here,
but the crew,
collectively -- They're a very tight-knit bunch.
That's why we nicknamed them "the crew."
[ Laughter ]
So, the crew came over to me collectively and said,
"Well, you going to wear the jacket?"
I said, "No, I'm -- I'm not going to wear the jacket."
They said, "Well, uh, they sent pizza."
[ Laughter ]
"Might be nice to wear the jacket."
And I said, "Yeah, but they already sent the pizza.
They're not going to --
If I wear the jacket, they're not going to send more pizza.
It's a one-time thing." And they said,
"Put on the jacket."
[ Laughter ]
So I --
Because the crew is --
It's -- They're not menacing. What's the word?
Oh, ye-- Oh, it is menacing.
[ Laughter ]
But my fear was, of course, you know, I'd wear the jacket,
and it would just be, you know --
Pizza Hut could clip it. This would be on buses, you know.
'Cause, again, was no --
No money has changed hands here.
Just pizzas and a jacket.
And a handful of hats.
So I did -- I thought fast right before we came on,
and I have -- You'll notice --
I wanted to make it impossible
for them to use this as free advertising,
so I've changed it to Pizza Hatz.
And I know a lot of you are going to scramble now
to try to buy
that domain name. Too late.
Too late. Pizzahatz.com --
The Z's there 'cause Pizza Hats with a "S" was taken.
Not in use.
Pizzahatz.com is just on sale --
Wait for it -- for $1,600.
Can you imagine?
But pizzahatz.com --
Now, again, there's one thing
I'm terrified about. I...
told my assistant Chelsea,
"You got to go buy pizzahatz.com right now."
And heaven forbid she forgets, because by the time --
Again, there's going to be --
If the Internet is slow when you're watching this,
that's 'cause everybody's racing...
...to try to buy pizzaha--
And of course, the second fear --
And you know Chelsea. I know Chelsea --
is that she's going to --
She's going to buy it
and then try to get the 1,600 bucks out of me.
And also, I want to say -- This is the last thing I'll say.
To, again, good people at Pizza Hut
who are very kind and sent pizzas and hats
and no -- Is it "renumeration"? Am I saying that right?
Baze, is that right?
"Renumeration"? Okay. Went out on a limb.
Very -- Very risky to try a new word
in the middle of "Corrections."
So, anyway,
I want to say -- And I've been told by our legal team
that if I say, "You are not --
Pizza Hut, you're not to use a photo of me in this jacket
without the express written consent
of Major League Baseball."
I don't know why it's them,
but I guess they're just the best at it.
I think they have all the forms in just, like, a template.
They're very good at express written consent.
It's why the Phillie Phanatic's never been MeToo'd.
You think?
A lot of you noticed last week --
I usually hold up a card at the end.
I didn't do that last week.
And then I had one,
and then I just left it in my dressing room.
And I thought about it about a minute ago.
Too late.
These are one-take "Corrections," bros.
Ladies.
Friends.
There was a lot going on. [ Laughs ]
There was a lot going on.
So, if you need
a crime solved,
go to pizzahatz.com.
[ Laughter ]
'Cause it has the numbers of all the police on there.
Has the -- Has the phone numbers of all --
Ooh, maybe --
Oh, we're -- we're off the page.
Maybe this is -- pizzahatz.com is where we'll sell --
we'll sell the jackal merchandise.
You -- Pizza Hut can use this.
[ Laughter ]
If I -- If you use the mask, I'm fine.
You can put it wherever you want.
Alright. Well, you guys,
we are about to go on
an Olympic break.
So you're going to have to find someone else to nitpick
for the next two weeks. Why don't you --
You know what? Why don't you go on the YouTube videos
of all the skiers who've spent their whole life,
their entire life not going to proms
'cause they got to go ski.
Grow up in Florida, and then you got to move
to where there's snow.
Why don't you go to their YouTube videos and be like,
"Ohh.
Hit a gate."
[ Laughter ]
Just -- You know what? Let's all use the next couple of weeks
to think about what we're doing.
Bye! [ Laughter ]