HE BLEATS
HE MIMICS HEAVENLY CHOIR
No further questions.
They get better every time.
I'm gonna go Rich Tea.
Oh...
Oh, wow.
If it's not for dunking it's for dunking.
You're not very exotic with your biscuits, James, are you?
Got to live up to the reputation, mate.
So our task is to decide the GOAT of all time dunking biscuit.
HE BLEATS
Our choices are malted milk, Rich Tea, Hobnobs, Digestive,
Chocolate Digestive, Gingernut, Jammie Dodgers,
Custard Cream, Cookies, Nice and Shortbread.
I think there's a few missing in there, I don't know if...
Ooh, this is the one, James.
Scottish Shortbread.
What else is missing, Chocolate Hobnob?
A Chocolate Hobnob. I'm not a big Hobnob fan, if I'm honest.
Rich Tea shouldn't be in business - sorry.
It's a pointless biscuit. Digestive...
It is a bit bland, but it'd go perfectly with this cup of tea we've been supplied.
If I'm dunking it, I want it to...
It's got to last a dunk at least, don't it?
I don't mind a Rich Tea, because obviously it's boring, like myself,
but I think it's not lasting a dunk.
That's why I like Shortbread, it's got the thickness, but it'll just melt in your mouth.
Not for me, you're licking it off your gums afterwards.
You think? I could eat a whole pack of Shortbread, me.
- Shock. - I know.
- Jammie Dodger? - Love a Jammie Dodger.
I think you've got to be in the right mood though.
- You're right. - There's times for it.
Probably when you're at your most happiest.
When you're a bit down, it's Custard Creams.
I think my money's on Hobnobs. Hmm, I don't know.
Hobnobs are thick but then you get the oaty bits at the bottom, don't you?
Could have said Party Rings but that's a novelty biscuit, apparently.
Malted Milk. I think that's a solid dunker. Might be wrong.
It's missing a bit of chocolate on top, James.
Right, are you going first? Straight for the Shortbread.
Oh, look at that, James.
I'm not sure you gave it enough dip. That was like a dip and go, that...
That's a solid performance from the Shortbread - unfortunately.
Ohh, Shortbread. Got to be in the top five.
You can't go straight in, you haven't tested anything else.
I could taste the whole thing if you want me to.
I'm going to go Rich Tea.
Ohhhh.
Oh, it's held together nicely.
Yeah, I think Rich...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
Ho-ho-ho!
Yeah, got a dry bit there.
Rich Tea is not for dunking, really. I'd say that is one of the worst.
What is Rich Tea for? If it's not for dunking it's for nothing.
It's probably when the kids come in and say they want something to eat before dinner.
"Look, this is brilliant."
"Can I have a chocolate bar, Daddy?"
"Have a Rich Tea."
"Ah, I'll wait for my dinner then."
Don't even need to taste this - top five.
How much does it melt? Test it with the heat.
Have you ever tasted the ones with the caramel in between?
Not for me, it's a bit too much.
Oh, are you joking?
Doesn't even fit.
See, you've got to mark it down on that.
Is this an average cup size?
It does fit, just.
James...
You could model biscuits, by the way.
MOUTH FULL: James...
I hope we had a close-up of his mouth there while he's taking a bite. The tekkers.
This appearance is no good for me, I'm gonna be addicted to these.
Best appearance ever for you!
No, James, that's up there.
- Better than Shortbread? - Aye.
Yeah? Really?
Sorry, Scotland, but it is.
That's in the top five.
So we're moving both up and we'll decide at the end.
- I'm not sure Shortbread makes it now. - Oh, wow.
Just put it middle of the road, it could move up.
Remember you've got to go back to Scotland soon.
Right, that's out. Get that out.
Goodbye, Rich Tea.
You've been saying Malted Milk quite a lot.
Yeah, I think it looks all right. It's like a thicker Rich Tea, innit?
You're not very exotic with your biscuits, James, are you?
Got to live up to the reputation, mate.
Nah. That could be worse than Rich Tea, actually.
Could it? Right, get that...
Bring that over here and get that out.
Love a Custard Cream.
Why don't we get the nut out the way? Which has zero ginger in it.
I like a Gingernut as well.
Talk to me.
You don't like that Gingernut. That is rubbish.
Yeah, that's why I didn't want to try it,
I think it's gonna affect my opinion of a Gingernut,
because I like a Gingernut.
What I will say is, when you dip it, it holds it, but it does melt then.
But that's just a poor biscuit, that.
So it's harshly done, Gingernut, I think it's got to be in the reckoning
and we go off memory of what we know about Gingernuts.
This is in top five, without a shadow of a doubt.
Or do you want to save that till the end?
Save that till the end, yeah, a wee bit of jam to finish.
Poor man's Cookie.
To be fair to them - it's a good size for the cup, for dipping.
Jesus Christ.
That's like sandpaper.
Where have yous got these biscuits?!
Seriously!
That's a shocker, that's not doing it justice either.
We'll leave it here, cos it's unfair on it.
This is an unfair category, harshly done by category.
Out... Potential, potential. These two are definitely out.
Rich Tea is well over there. Leave them there.
Right, what's this one here, "Nice"? Cos I've never even seen that before.
Surprising. Surprising.
- Yeah? - Mm.
I'd give it a wee taste, James. I'm not putting it in the top five, but...
OFF-CAMERA: Apparently it's got coconut in.
Oh, yeah, you can...
- Do you not like coconut? - No.
Oh, no, it's a Bushtucker Trial.
Yeah, not for me, coconut.
Hobnob. Hobnob's gonna be up there, innit?
What we thinking with that, for coconut lovers? You liked it, didn't you?
I didn't mind it...
I would put it in this, and then we can decide between these.
Because I think that's definitely gonna be there.
Go on then, if that's gonna be one, do that now.
The Dodger. I mean, look at it, it's just made...
- To dunk. - To dunk
MOUTH FULL: Oh, James...
They get better every time.
Is that going in at one then, straightaway?
Not even a shadow of a doubt.
I'm gonna trust my partner on that.
Who doesn't like a Jammie Dodger?
Hobnob's up there.
God sake, James.
Why do you pick me? He's only got three per cent body fat.
Know what I mean? I've got to be the tester!
The coconut ones put me off.
Hobnob's up there.
Something we haven't talked about with the dipping, you're going off taste,
but you've also got to think what's left at the bottom of your brew.
Is it leaving bits, leaving oats?
True.
Are you getting that big sludge at the bottom?
Because that's the last taste you have, you don't want to finish your brew and have that...
So that puts Hobnob...
Maybe slightly down.
I'd say Digestive could be two, and Hobnob three.
Guess I'm the designated taster now.
I think this is gonna be quite high for dipping.
They're thick, aren't they?
Oh, my God.
How's the cream held out with the dip?
Unbelievable, James.
Look at my side compared to yours!
I like that. You've got the cream coming through at the end.
You could eat a whole bag of them, that's the problem.
You don't have one or two of them.
I think it's better dipped. Some of these might be better dry, but that...
James, that could be one.
Really?
JAMES LAUGHS
I think you've got to give Jammie Dodger another go if you're doing that...
Oh, geez...
- For me... - You're going Custard Cream?
- For me. - So where's this going?
Third.
As a biscuit, a Jammie Dodger's better. But as a dunker...
custard cream.
So what, we've got a Digestive.
I'm not even wasting my time with that, James.
Not even wasting my time.
Would that not just be a chocolate version of a Custard Cream?
You're right, James.
I'm not a fan of Bourbons, too chocolatey for me.
Oh, James...
Can't eat it, James.
A lot of people will think Bourbon is right up there...
Maybe I didn't dip it long enough.
That will cause an online stir, that.
That's better.
So it needs a long dunk?
Mmm. Cos it's quite thick.
Again, that's a mood one, innit?
It is a mood one.
You're not gonna have a Bourbon on a morning, are you, to dunk?
I'd rather a cookie over that.
Digestive is Blandsville, innit?
- I'll go for that. - Yeah, go on then.
There you go.
No further questions.
Yeah, that's that one sorted!
No, Digestive out.
So, James, for the fifth one...
I'm sorry, Shortbread, but I don't think you make it.
I think Gingernut.
I haven't tried the Gingernut here because it's a disgrace to the Gingernut,
but I like a Gingernut.
Are we being too generous to Hobnob?
Are we showing it too much respect?
Gingernut's a taste thing though.
Does the GOAT have to be an all-time, like...
You can have this dipper morning, lunch, night.
Good question, good question.
The Custard Cream and Jammie Dodger, you're not having it after your brekkie.
Can we get more information on the question, please?
This is serious, this is going live!
We need an all-round biscuit, don't we?
I think Gingernut could be morning...
I mean, are you gonna have this in the morning? No.
But it's lovely when you're...
Have you got a bigger cup than me? Cos surely that's got to be the same size.
Or is it cos the chocolate costs more to put on so you lose a bit of biscuit?
Mm-hmm, caught you out, Digestive, trying to save some money, are we?
Get the chocolate ones bigger.
Got to be same size, that.
- Do you know what I mean? - Yeh, 100 per cent.
Look at that - skimping.
Look at them two in t'corner.
I know. Face the window!
Right, this is gone.
They're gone. And I'm not throwing it down, I'm placing it there, Shortbread.
- So that's out? - Yeah, it's out.
That could cause a stir. Is that better than that?
I prefer that.
I think that was harsh, James.
Didn't need thrown.
This is a big call.
James, come on.
I wouldn't put it there just because they've brought us a rubbish Gingernut.
I think putting this in is, again, a bit similar to chocolate, although most people would...
Let's go Gingernut.
We've got a nice variety then.
Let's go Gingernut.
Hobnob, is Hobnob...?
I think you're right about Hobnob.
I think we're being generous to Hobnob.
I think most people would put Shortbread in there.
HE MIMICS HEAVENLY CHOIR
I'll let you make the call, mate.
Yeah, Hobnob out, Shortbread...
It's got to be bottom, I was gonna say.
Bit controversial, that list, you know.
I think that's a good list.
I don't think many people could moan about that really.
Right, I think that's it. The GOAT list of dunking biscuits.
For us that don't really eat biscuits...
Of course, yeah.