(bright upbeat music) We need to discuss
something it's, it is well known,
if you're a regular listener to the podcast that Sona is,
I don't wanna say an immoral person--
Come on.
But Sona has committed many crimes.
You've confessed on the TV show
to your thefts in the past. Oh.
Your sorted past, stealing things in stores
and before COVID hit, we actually wanted to shoot a remote
where we brought you back to all the different stores
where you've stolen things, had you admit to stealing them
and then return those goods or pay the cash equivalent.
And we were going to do that but then
I think this is the biggest tragedy of COVID.
(laughing)
We weren't able to shoot that remote.
That and of course the, all the loss of life and stuff.
Goner me but yeah,
one of the biggest tragedies of COVID was that
we didn't get to shoot that remote.
But we were just chatting
and Sona started to reveal another of her heinous crimes.
Okay.
And I felt we needed to record this
because I don't even understand.
Yeah, explain this again.
Explain this-- But it's not, it's not
heinous Explain this grift.
You started to talk about in back in the day
when you would go to an all you can eat sushi place.
Continue Sona.
Okay. So first of all,
it's not a heinous crime. It's I think, it's--
Let's call it despicable.
Despicable, thank you.
Yeah.
Why don't we let the jury decide,
the jury being our listeners.
Okay.
And of course, me being the judge
so I can overrule the jury in this weird kangaroo court.
Go ahead, Sona. Tell us about
Okay. this scam.
So if you go to some, all you can eat sushi restaurants,
some people over order
and then they end up with a lot of extra sushi.
So because a lot of people would over order,
these sushi restaurants will charge you
for whatever sushi you don't eat.
Right? Yeah.
As they should.
'Cause it's not like they can give
that sushi to someone else.
Right and you know, it's sushi.
It's not like you're going to a buffet
and like, you know, you're like piling up your plate.
You're ordering sushi that people are making.
Yeah. Anyway, so--
This sounds like a very sane and rational policy.
Yeah, I--
Okay so my friends and I,
we would go to these all you can eat sushi restaurants
and you know, we could have a little bit to drink, you know?
Like you'd-- Are you drunk now?
Yeah. (laughing)
I wish. But you know what I mean?
You have another slurred.
Well, you, yeah.
You have a lot to drink
or have a massive cerebral event.
(laughing)
A brain bleed.
Yeah, the sakes flowing, the tsipouros flowing
and then you just order too much.
And what I would do is I would
when the waiters weren't looking,
I would shove all of the extra sushi which was a lot
into one of the dinner napkins
and then I would like hide it in my shirt
or shove it in my purse
and then I'd go to the bathroom and I'd throw it away.
What? What?
You wouldn't even,
you wouldn't even steal it? You wouldn't even,
you wouldn't take it home and eat it?
That's theft and waste. You threw it away?
We just ate an all you can it meal.
Why would I want more sushi and why would I--?
Maybe you give it to somebody.
Who? Somebody who could eat it?
What kind of creep takes out sushi from their purse
wrapped in-- You apparently.
No, but I mean, first of all,
just imagine for a second, imagine
that you are a tuna and you're swimming in the sea
and suddenly you're snared in a net and hauled up--
"My great purpose, I'm going to be some sushi."
You think for a second,
"Well, my life has been short,
"but it, I see that they're taking me to a sushi restaurant
"and before I completely lose consciousness,
"at least myself, I will create happiness.
"My flesh will go to sustain another species
"in this great mystery and cycle of life.
"At least that gives me some joy.
"Wait, what? "They're chopping me now.
"Okay, I'm still somewhat alive somehow
"and they're putting me with some rice."
"Hi, I'm Bill Boo, the rare octopus."
"They're bringing me over to these ladies.
"Oh, well at least I, I'm just kind of,
"I can't believe I'm still kind of alive, but I am.
"I'm able to see at least I
"going to go into the mouths of...
"What? "Shoved in a napkin?
"My entire corporeal form, my body.
"She's taking me maybe outside
"to give to someone who has no food.
"Wait, not the ladies' room.
"Shoved, shoved in a trash can.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
"I'm a Catholic tuna fish."
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we rest our case.
(laughing)
That's awful--
Sona-- That's the worst,
Sona, that's the worst thing I've heard.
Stop.
That is worse than that guy that was trying to,
like people that are faking vaccine cards,
are making fake COVID serums that don't even work.
Come on.
You're a worst criminal than them.
You threw fresh sushi
into a lady's room trash can.
How recent ago was this?
How recent ago?
Wait a second.
There's a separate trial.
Gourley's trial is coming after this one.
No, I will remind you--
We'll get to that soon. I am not under oath.
I, it was, you know what?
It was, I was working for Conan.
So it was within the last like--
What? I thought
this was something you did when you were 16 or 17?
She learned it from watching you dad.
Seriously? No.
I was like I thought
this was a long time ago
because I was like
twenties, maybe.
Working for me, late twenties?
Late twenties. Early thirties.
Late twenties. I don't--
Criminal, war criminal.
It's not cri...
Why are you making the restaurant all you can eat sushi
and then charging me for the extra sushi?
Just say, it's a normal sushi restaurant.
What's the point?
That's true. You do have a point there.
Thank you, thank you.
No. No, you have no point.
Leave it there, pay the price.
Those octopi gave their lives
and we all know those are very intelligent creatures.
They've written books.
They, there's that octopus, man.
This, they have the brains of like a,
I think they've done studies.
Octopi have the brains of like a 25 year old graduate.
What? Yeah.
Yeah, someone who went to Brown University.
That's how smart they are.
Mm-hmm.
You know, that's how smart and, and they gave their lives
and you're like, eh, I don't wanna pay for this.
There's a documentary called "My Octopus Teacher".
So that means that octopuses
are like certified tenured teachers.
Also, did you see, did you stay and watch the credits?
You know who directed the movie?
The octopus. That's right.
Oh God.
That's right. And you know
who got the funding for it?
Other octopi. Mm-hmm.
That's how smart they are.
Well-- And that's how smart,
they be.
Sorry but if we're talking about sea creatures,
I had to go a little bit into a pirate.
Sona. Yeah.
You are undoubtedly the worst person I've ever met.
What the hell?
Yeah. I'm getting now
where I'm looking, I have a device here
that allows me to see the listeners and yes,
overwhelmingly it's coming in.
People think that you're a monster.
Oh, good.
Yeah, we're gonna have to remand you into custody
right now, straight from the courtroom.
Yeah. You're being sensed.
You know what we're gonna do now?
We're gonna go back to that all you can eat sushi place.
And you have to buff it up.
And you are going to bring the live fish
to those restaurants.
What? How is--
You're gonna bring live fish to those restaurants
and you're gonna show them what you did.
They'll be kept alive in oxygenated tanks.
Huh?
And they will, and you will confess to the crimes
at that restaurant. Okay.
And then we'll leave the fish there at the restaurant
so they can be butchered and thrown out by someone else.
(laughing)
I didn't give this punishment a lot of thought.
You're really bad at punishments.
I was about to say that.
So you want me, wait, you want me to bring fresh fish
to a sushi restaurant and then make them make me sushi
and then-- I'm not great
at punishments. Okay.
But Sona, if you disagree with me,
I'll put you in a jail cell made of white chocolate
and you'll be forced to watch "Different Spoons",
seasons one and three, that's your punishment.
"Different Spoons"?
I don't even know what that is.
You mean "Different Spoons" or "Silver Spoons"?
"Silver Strokes". Oh, you're on trial.
So you'll get-- What just happened?
You're on trial.
You're gonna watch "Silver Strokes"
and "Different Spoons".
"Silver Strokes" is what you're having right now.
Yeah. You messed up.
I love it when you mess up.
This is my favorite-- Did I mess up or did I--
You're trying to make me look bad.
Yeah, you messed up.
No, on part you know what I did?
Huh?
I switched it around on purpose
to give everyone out there and their morning commute
Also-- a little giggle.
I don't wanna do this 'cause I hate, hate
when people do this
but it's not octopi, it's octopuses.
It's Greek.
I was referring to octopuses that have been ground up
and put into a pie
which is referred to as an octopi.
So that's what I was referring to.
I don't know what you were talking about but I'm correct.
When octopuses are chopped up and minced and put in a pie,
it's an octopi.
Your honor, I rest my case.
Sona, guilty. Gourley, guilty.
Oh, here's the verdict for Conan.
Oh, innocent and gets a $900 credit
and any Bob's big boy. No,
kangaroo court in the area.
No way. Nope, trust me.
I am judge, jury and sexecutioner.
What a way to die.
(laughing)
End of segment.