♪♪
-So, it's your first day in the 99th Precinct.
You probably have lots of questions,
and we've got lots of answers.
So sit back, relax, and get ready
for a healthy and focused work environment.
-Welcome to the Nine-Nine.
-We have a veritable who's-who of alumni leadership,
including the following NYPD rock stars.
Captain McGinley.
-What the hell's going on around here?
-Fore extinguisher roller chair derby.
-Okay. -Captain Raymond Holt.
-I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Ray Holt.
-Captain Seth Dozerman. -My motto is simple --
Efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.
-You could probably just say it once.
-Uh, Captain Keith Pembroke.
-We only solve misdemeanors, wieners.
Say it. -We only solve misdemeanors.
Wieners.
-Captain Raymond Holt again.
-The Vulture is out.
And I'm back.
-Captain Jason Stentley.
-Are you wearing sweatpants? -No.
Oh! Yes. [ Laughs ]
I, um, had some hot cocoa this morning
[laughing] and I totally biffed it!
-Captain Raymond Holt again.
-Forced laughing.
[ Laughing ]
-Captain Julie Kim.
-I was the first female Asian American captain
in the NYPD, my guilty pleasure
is charity work, and what do I do for fun?
Well, basically, just design and build skate parks
for marginalized communities. And that's me!
-Captain Raymond Holt again.
-Back where I belong.
Everything is perfect.
Wow.
-Crime is never late. So why should you be?
Make sure to punch in and be at your desk
when your shift starts -- no excuses.
-There she is! Amy!
Where have you been? We've been worried sick.
Do you care to explain yourself? -I'm just 70 seconds late.
It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.
-Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.
-There was a problem at the bank.
-Hot damn!
-This precinct is your castle,
so make sure to treat it like one.
A clean precinct is a happy precinct.
-Algernon!
[ Glass shattering ]
-Ha!
-Whoa! Go, go!
[ Machine whirring ] -Aaaah!
It's everywhere! There's pigeon everywhere!
Aaaah! Ugh!
-Let's look at a common scenario,
portrayed by Detective Rosa Diaz and Captain Raymond Holt.
-Listen, Denise, I felt personally attacked
when you included sesame bagels at the bagel brunch
knowing full well I'm allergic.
I developed a rash. -Says you, Ainsley.
I believe food allergies are a hoax.
Perhaps your rash is from all that makeup you wear.
This is an office, not some downtown dancery.
-Pause. What did Detective Diaz do wrong there?
How could she have dealt with the situation differently?
Let's take a look at a proper way
to address this workplace issue.
♪♪
-I'll pay for that. -Great job, Detective Diaz!
Co-workers often become like a family.
And nowhere is that more true than this Brooklyn precinct.
So, remember to treat each other with kindness.
-Rot in hell, crap face! -[ Gasps ]
-Hello, Deputy Chief Wuntch.
You've aged.
I will slit you both open from mouth to anus
and wear you like jackets.
-Words are powerful, and often have multiple meanings.
So remember to choose your words wisely
when talking with a fellow officer.
-Fantasy threesome.
We'll call ourselves the Night Boys.
You and me, gettin' a lady off together.
I bet you're an awesome fluffer.
I'll do anything to perk up my little man.
I've had another man deep inside me this whole time.
I came down with a big old Dianne Wiest infection.
[ Indistinct conversations, telephones ringing ]
Like yeast --
-So, that's your introduction to your new place of employment.
We're so happy to have you here in...
Wait. Which precinct was it, again?
-Nine-Nine! -Nine-Nine!
-Nine-Nine! -A-Noine-Noine-ah!
-Nine-Nine! -Nine-Nine!
-Nine-Nine!
-Chills, you guys. Literally, chills.