The day I found out about blow jobs,
it was a pivotal day of my life.
It was, I remember the date, actually.
It was September 11, 2001,
and I don't know what else happened that day.
(laughing)
Devastated.
I...couldn't understand it.
At first, I go "blow job?
Blow...do you blow on it?"
Remember that?
Remember, for a couple seconds, you go, "you blow it, ugh."
You wish.
You wish that's all you had to do to it.
Oh, that'd be a cakewalk.
It's much more invasive than that.
Blowing on it.
No, I didn't,
I couldn't believe you have to like suck it.
You have to like, French a dick.
I thought I could maybe like, muah, like peck it.
But you gotta French it.
I was walking down and I was,
I was coming through the alleyway and I was like,
this is really some full circle shit.
'Cause the last dude I fucked,
I met at a bar right over there.
The last dick I took, I met right over there.
Crazy. That was the last dick I sucked.
Wow.
Every time I think about it, my mind's blown.
Like bitch, you was sucking dicks.
I don't like dicks at all.
Like, I know that for a fact.
I don't like dicks,
I don't even like wearing 'em
when bitches ask me to wear 'em.
I don't like dicks.
And I was sucking whole dicks,
just putting them in my mouth.
The shit we'll do to fit in, you know?
I just wanted to be friends with my friends.
I just wanted to be able to talk to my peer group,
like, "Yeah girl, the ball's are salty, like that.
The balls be salty as fuck, I know girl."
I lost my virginity late.
I lost it when I was financially independent.
Yeah, I went through my bank statements,
like, I could afford to have a dick in me.
Just like, so responsible.
All my other friends lost it
under a Backstreet Boys poster in their mom's house.
And I lost it under an Ikea painting
that I purchased...
with a coupon.
But I'm glad I was raised that way,
because it taught me how to choose sexual partners
in a very responsible way, okay?
'Cause when I was younger and I was waiting,
I would tell guys, "I'm not ready to have sex yet.
Is that okay?"
And anytime guys were really cool about that decision,
that just made me want to have sex with them more,
because there is nothing hotter
than someone respecting your boundaries.
You're just like, "what?
Take your pants off, get over here."
The hottest thing you can say to a girl is,
"Hey, we don't have to do anything."
Now we do.
And then I thought, well, wait a minute.
How am I going to get a guy to be interested in me
unless he thinks I'm experienced?
No guy wants to sleep with a virgin.
I didn't know that either.
So I spread a rumor about myself.
(laughing)
I told everyone that at age 18, entering college in 1992,
that I'd already fucked 10 guys.
That's a lot, 10 guys.
I mean, not now, but then, that was a lot.
10 guys at 18 was a lot.
Some people don't have 10 people in their town.
10 guys...and 1992 was an innocent, innocent time.
Beverly Hills 90210, Brenda and Dylan,
they waited a year to lose their virginity to each other.
Dylan was an alcoholic who lived by himself.
He was a virgin.
It was an innocent time!
(laughing)
So then no guys wanted to have sex with me
because they thought I had an STD
because I'd fucked 10 guys.
And so I went year after year after year, not getting laid.
Until I met someone who transferred
into my college my senior year.
And he hadn't heard the rumors and I didn't tell him.
Now, we had sex, it was fun, it was fine.
I don't remember every detail 'cause it was so long ago,
but it was lovely, and I walked home that day,
just, you know, listening to my Discman,
listening to Madonna, you know, the Bedtime Stories album.
I'm like, I get it, I'm sexual too, Madge.
But something stopped me dead in my tracks as I was walking.
And I was like, wait a minute, my hymen didn't break.
That's another thing they teach us girls.
We have a hymen, it's a piece of skin
that's somewhere in our vagina and a penis pokes it
and we bleed and we get the sheets dirty,
and we suck, and fuck you, and now you're dumped.
So now...
my hymen didn't break and I was like,
Uh-oh... I hope my hymen didn't get pushed up into my body,
and now it's strangling, you know, my internal organs.
I don't even know what a hymen is.
How strong is it?
How does it work?
And I was like, I got to go to a doctor.
And so I went to the school nurse, but I didn't want to,
you know, act like I just lost my virginity.
So I tried to play it all caszh.
And I just walked in, I was like,
"Hey, quick question.
(laughing)
When I lost my virginity, whenever that was,
my hymen didn't break what's up with that?"
And she was like, "Oh, that's kind of an old wives' tale,
I mean, it's fine, if you've ever used a tampon
or ridden a horse or took a dance class,
it can stretch, it can break."
I go..."Okay, it can't get shoved up
and start strangling your organs?"
She goes, "No, it's a tissue."
I go, "Can it get wadded up?"
"No, not a tissue, like it's a -"
I go, "Oh, okay, okay."
She looks at my chart.
She's like, "Ooh, about to turn 22."
And she goes "So you didn't just lose your virginity,
did you?"
I'm like, "Uh, no, I fucked like 10 guys."
And that's when I got my first STD test.
How many of y'all men, by round of applause,
know that Viagra works its ass off, make some noise.
(weak cheering)
Thank all 12 of y'all for your honesty and your dedication.
The rest of you lyin' sacks of shit.
Some of you men tried to break your hands
not clapping, you -
(laughing)
"What'd he say?
Who been to Niagara?
I ain't never been to Niagara, if that's what he's saying."
(laughing)
Every man in here know Viagra works.
Most shit for men does not work.
Viagra is not one of them.
Viagra works its ass off.
That shit works too good.
And every man either knows that 'cause you needed it -
you prayed to God for it.
For the first time in your life,
you said your prayer with your dick in your hand.
Just, "Heavenly Father, this is your humble servant, Lord.
You rose Lazarus from the dead, Jesus,
and if you would just lay those same mighty hands
on my penile region..."
You either know it 'cause you needed it,
you prayed to God for it,
or you didn't need it.
You just figured you'd try it,
see what the fuck it would do
before you did need it.
But either way, you know, Viagra works its ass off.
Soon as you swallow it,
it go right to your dick immediately.
You like, "wait a minute, I'm not even ready yet."
As a man, you be trying to figure out,
is it even going to make my dick big enough
for me to even notice? Shit.
Viagra make your dick bigger
than you have ever seen it before in your life.
You don't even wanna touch it,
it look like another nigga's dick.
You just, you lookin' at it.
(laughing)
That's how the vibrator was invented,
did you guys know that?
Yeah, 'cause this doctor,
he had so many ladies pulling up in horse and buggies
and stage coaches.
He was like, "I cannot keep this shit up all day."
He's like, "seriously.
I'm going to get tendinitis.
What the fuck is that?"
So, he invented the vibrator, and by the way,
first vibrator, awesome, had a hand crank.
You had to crank that shit.
Like you're watching old silent films or making ice cream.
There was, this is my favorite vibrator.
It was like a fucking power washer.
Like women would just stand there,
and they would just get like a fire hose
to the cooch, right?
Swear to God.
They called it a pelvic douche.
It looked like something you'd use to clean aluminum siding.
How fuckin' awesome is that?
(clapping)
I feel like most women do
most of their masturbating in the shower.
Am I alone?
Little removable shower handle,
little, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh.
Yeah?
If you don't have a removable shower head,
you can always make do with the bathtub faucet.
Where my faucet ladies at?
(laughing)
There's a faucet lady right here, there you are.
And some of you look confused.
You ever tried the faucet?
I like that guys are like,
"What the fuck's going on in the bathtub?"
People are very stressed out about the sex robots.
I have yet to hear an argument against them, that I buy.
Everyone's like, "Aren't you worried
they're going to replace human women?"
Get the fuck outta here.
One of my own girlfriends was like, "Aren't you worried?
They're going to replace us?"
If you're worried about being replaced
by a giant piece of plastic,
you're not bringing that much
to the table in the first place,
so, I need you to watch a Ted Talk.
Anyway.
Also, they're not going to replace human women,
that's an insulting argument to women.
If anything, they will replace blow up dolls,
which, by the way, I love that that was a product,
guys were fucking rafts with eyelashes,
and that wasn't freaking anybody out.
This is where we draw the line, got it, got it, got it.
30 year old men got decisions to make too, like,
who they gonna bring home to mama?
You know, am I going to bring the ho home?
Or the reformed one?
Like a dental hygienist.
(laughing)
Y'all know they hos.
You can see it in they eyes,
you be like, "You used to be a ho, huh?"
Hah!
All my homegirls is a dental hygienist, woo!
If them people knew where they put
them fingers before that shit ahh -
Whoo!
Three months later, she got on their tour bus
and she told them, and guess what?
They all accepted.
If you are not familiar,
there are nine guys
in the Wu Tang Clan.
Nine.
So many guys.
That's so many - can we park for a moment
at how many dicks nine is?
I don't even understand how anyone's
sitting in their seat right now.
There's people out here like, "hmm, what else you got?"
Are you shitting me?
That's not a lot?
Close your eyes...
and picture nine dicks.
You're like, "Oh my God they're everywhere."
Yeah, 'cause there's nine of them, that's why.
I'm not slut shaming.
I'm saying, objectively, nine is a lot of anything.
Like if I was like, "I had cinnamon rolls today."
And you're like, "How many'd you have?"
"I had nine."
"You want me to take you to the emergency room, or...?
You're going to lose a foot by the morning, we should go."
Nine dicks.
Are you fucking shitting me?
Some of you, it took you 15 years to get to nine dicks,
this was a Thursday for this young lady.
She won't even fuck me if I'm sick.
If I'm gettin' sick, off the table,
I will definitely have sex with her when she's sick.
I did it Tuesday.
(laughing)
I'm getting ready to fly to Cleveland.
I go, "Hey, we should bang one out,
put one in the books, you know?"
She's like, "Oh, I'm getting sick."
I was like, "I don't care."
She's like, "I don't want to get you sick."
I was like, "We'll practice safe sex."
She's like, "You are going to wear a condom?"
I was like, "No...(laughing)
Doggy-style so you cough into the wall.
You got a cold, woman, not AIDS.
Spin it around, Doc Holliday.
Let's hit this shit."
There is no better feeling than a woman coughing during sex,
am I right guys?
When it first happens, it catches you off guard.
You're like, "Whoa! Bear down cowgirl.
You're not getting bucked off this bronco,
not with that grip strength."
"Holy Chasing Amy Chinese finger cuffs.
Remind me to use that thing when we got to open a jar."
The worst thing about my kids catching us having sex
is that we were having sex in positions
that you couldn't play off.
You know, there's some sexual positions
that you can play off.
There's a lot of couples here tonight.
I see you with your lady, sir,
you and your lady having sex,
and your lady laying on the side,
and your kids come bust in the room,
You can play that off.
All you gotta do is sit up.
Act like you watching TV.
"Hey, hey, hey, get the fuck out of here.
Don't come back in here until we done watching TV."
If you real good and you got your bottom half covered up,
when you sit up, you can technically
keep fucking while you talk.
"Hey, hey, hey!
Get your ass out the goddamn room.
Don't come in the goddamn room."
Your lady be trying to talk,
"Don't come in here.
This is my favorite part of the show."
You can play it off.
Missionary, you could play that off.
You and your lady having sex in the missionary position
and your kids come bust in the room,
all you gotta do is fall down, and collapse on your lady.
Make it look like you asleep.
Kids are stupid, they'll believe it.
"Shhhhh."
Doggie style is tough, that's a tough one.
Ass naked doggy style in the middle of the bed,
that's tough to play off.
You caught.
Like what, what do you do?
What do you do?
"Oh, shit."
You got one move.
You gotta make it look like you playing American football.
You just gotta, "Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut!
Get your ass outta here, we're goin' over football plays.
Get outta here!
We playin against the couple from down the street this week.
Get your ass up outta here!"