-Thank you so much. Enjoy yourself.
Thank you for being here.
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
You're here. You made it. Thank you for watching.
Well, guys, I saw that today is National Singles Awareness Day.
-Thank God. [ Cheers ]
-Yeah, I could be wrong, but I'm pretty sure that the day
when people are most aware they're single
is Valentine's Day, but I don't know.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, I think Singles Awareness Day should be on
Thanksgiving 'cause that's when your family makes you
the most aware you're single.
[ Laughter ]
"When are you going to date somebody?
"I want grandkids."
That's right. It's Singles Awareness Day.
And in a cruel twist of fate, it falls on hump day.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, single people are like, "It's not that we don't
want to date someone, it's just that we really enjoy
canceling plans." I mean, that's fun.
That's right. It is Singles Awareness Day,
and this is nice -- stores actually sold candy for it.
I think they might've just reused some of
the candy from Valentine's Day. Take a look. First there's...
And you go, "Well, that's --"
Then there's...
And you go, "Wait, that's --"
Next there's...
-Wow. -That's more of a public service.
-For Smokey the Bear.
-And finally, of course, there's the classic...
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Not gonna happen."
Hey, in honor of Singles Awareness Day, I just want to
take a moment to acknowledge all the single people out there.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Don't worry if you haven't found someone yet.
Some people were single throughout their 20s,
30s, and 40s. And after a while...
[ Laughter ]
...those people start to wonder if "it" would ever happen.
And they practice kissing on their pillows.
They even... [ Laughter ]
They even post to Craigslist seeking someone who likes to
"get freaky-deaky with a scalp that's squeaky."
[ Laughter ] But in the end --
But in the end, even that guy found love.
So keep the faith.
Worst case, you could just accept a life of celibacy.
Hang in there, everybody.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, James.
That's what you get for not coming to rehearsal.
[ Laughter ]
Guys, get this. I heard that last night,
President Biden celebrated Valentine's Day by ordering
takeout from a French restaurant in D.C.
What? He has Air Force One.
He literally could have flown Jill to France.
[ Laughter ]
Seriously, Biden eats dinner at 3:00 p.m.
How hard is it to get a table?
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Biden ordered takeout, which was kind of fun because
it's not often you see an Uber Eats guy
with a Secret Service motorcade.
[ Laughter ]
"I accidentally went to Pennsylvania Street.
I didn't know 1200 Pennsylvania Street was the place, but..."
[ Laughter ]
The delivery guy called him like, "Sorry --"
Oh, sorry, that was the joke I just did.
Oops.
[ Laughter ]
Should have came -- -Whoa!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-I should have came to rehearsal.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Valentine's Day was yesterday.
Personally, I had a great time.
Nancy and I got dinner at one of our favorite spots.
Tariq, what did you do?
-Oh, my wife and I got a babysitter so we could just
chill at home, just the two of us.
You know, catch up on our shows and order takeout.
-That's sweet. Higgins, how was your Valentine's Day?
-Not great.
I got catfished.
-Sorry. Wait, aren't you married?
-Yeah, I got catfished by my wife.
[ Laughter ]
-How is that possible?
-Well, I never met her in person. We would just FaceTime.
But last night, I was like,
"Hey, we've been married like 30 years.
Maybe we should meet."
But then she blocked me on Facebook.
[ Laughter ]
-But you have kids with her.
-Turns out my kids were catfishing me too.
[ Laughter ]
-What? -Yeah.
They were actors hired to play my children.
I guess most of them used to work on "iCarly."
[ Laughter ]
-Why is this happening to you?
-I guess that Roku is doing a new prank show called
"Steve Higgins' Whole Life Is a Lie."
It's like "The Truman Show" but not heartwarming at all.
You know what the worst thing is, Jimmy?
-I haven't heard the worst thing so far?
-No.
I'm not even the announcer for "The Tonight Show."
[ Laughter ]
-You're not? -No.
I'm a hologram.
Real me is a 16-year-old kid strapped into
a V.R. headset in Montana.
I gotta go, Jimmy. My mom's calling me for dinner.
-What's going on?
-Okay, Mom. I'll be right there. God.
[ Applause ]
-Steve Higgins.
I love that character. That is a great guy.
Wow, amazing.
[ Cheers and applause ]
That cost us $4 million to do.
-Are you serious? -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-I missed rehearsal.
-I'll fill you in.
Some political news. Today, Nikki Haley officially
kicked off her presidential campaign.
And during her speech, she called for politicians
older than 75 to have a mandatory competency test.
Yep, competency tests for politicians over 75.
Then Biden said, "I have a better idea.
Competency tests for politicians over 75."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah, she said older politicians
need mental checks and new ideas.
Then Trump looked at Biden like,
"Wow, she's really going after you."
[ Laughter ]
Some more political news, Senator Bernie Sanders said that
public school teachers should get a minimum salary
of $60,000 a year.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Then every other senator was like, "Teacher's pet."
[ Laughter ]
Well, some movie news here, guys.
This weekend, "Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania" is hitting
theaters, and I am excited about this.
Paul Rudd is fantastic in everything.
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Ant-Man."
Tariq, this weekend, you gonna see "Ant-Man"?
-Can't, man.
-Why not?
-Hanging with my aunt, man.
-Doing what?
-Buying a plant, man.
-You're buying a plant for your aunt
instead of seeing "Ant-Man"?
-No, no. I'm buying a plant with my aunt
to give to Kevin Durant, man.
-Why would Kevin Durant want a plant from your aunt, man?
-Because Kevin Durant needs a plant from my "ahnt" --
I mean my aunt, to give to Steven Van Zandt, man.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rim shot ] The whole bit.
The whole bit is "ant."
[ Laughter ]
You're gonna see "Ahnt-Man"? Gonna see "Ahnt-Man"?
-I meant to come to rehearsal, but I said, "I can't, man."
[ Laughter ] [ Rim shot ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's good.
-It's not gonna get better than that.
-I don't know. We should just go to the end, right?
I don't think we're gonna find this --
So, guys, some more business news --
[ Laughter ]
Some business news, Chipotle is launching a spin-off restaurant
called Farmesa Fresh Eatery.
Damn, in 2023,
even our restaurants are getting spin-offs.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, both Chipotle and E. coli were like, "We're expanding."
[ Laughter ]
Well, listen to this. Cybersecurity experts are
warning that electric vehicles could be
the next prime targets for hackers.
-Ooh. -Which explains why my car keeps
getting e-mails about "hot sedans in your area."
[ Laughter and applause ]
And finally, it is Wednesday. It is time for "WeTweet."
Here we go.
-♪ WeTweet ♪
♪ WeTweet ♪
-Welcome to "WeTweet."
This is where we, as a group,
decide something that we should post on Twitter.
I'm going to show you five different tweets and we're all
going to vote on whether you like each one or not.
You all have voting clickers at your seats?
Yep. You can vote for all of them.
You can vote for none of them. Whatever you want.
And we're gonna see the results live.
Higgins, Roots, you guys have clickers too?
-Got it. -Whatever tweet gets the most
likes, we will tweet it out live on the show so that you can all
like it and "wetweet" it.
-Whoo! -It's a shared experience.
Alright, you guys ready? Everyone have your clickers?
Hands up. Hands up if you got the clickers.
Alright, perfect. Alright, good.
Alright, first tweet. It says...
[ Light laughter ]
Mm. -Wow, silence.
-Wow. [ Laughter ]
-Maybe they're laughing on the inside.
-On the inside of their thigh?
-Yeah.
Don't talk about the inside of anyone's thigh.
-What's that? It's Valentine's Day.
-I don't even know if I have to check the votes on this one,
but let's just do it for fun.
Let's see the results.
-Ooh! [ Sad tuba ]
-Wow. -64.
-No one got stabbed by a pencil in grade school?
[ Laughter ]
-Okay. Four people did, yeah.
So it work -- the math works out.
It's correct. Everyone's -- Everyone's clickers work.
Alright. This next one says...
[ Laughter ]
Well, now I feel like the Roots are playing the music
lighter and lighter.
Yeah, I mean, that sells the bit, you know?
Alright, that's not gonna work either.
Alright, let's see the results on this one.
It's probably worse than the first one.
Oh! Hey, alright, not bad.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you. Not bad. -It hit triple digits.
-Yeah. They don't necessarily get better.
-No. -I will say that.
[ Laughter ]
This next one here says...
[ Laughter ]
It is getting that way. -Yeah.
-It is getting that way where I'm like...
It is getting that way. Alright.
You all voted? Let's see the results.
Alright. Not bad.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Next up, it says...
[ Laughter ] -Oh.
-That's pretty good actually.
I like that idea. That's not bad.
Cast your votes here.
Alright. Let's see the results on this one.
[ Drumroll ]
Yeah! -Oh!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's gonna be the hit. That's gonna be the winner.
-That took the lead. -I'll do the last one just
for fun, but that one's gonna be the winner.
This last one is...
[ Laughter ]
Cast your votes. Alright, let's see the results.
-I don't know. That one might win.
-You like that one? -I like that one.
-No, I think it's the one before that.
Everyone's laughing at that one. I don't know.
Alright, here we go. Let's see the results.
-Oh! -Oh, that's right.
The winner is number four.
[ Dinging ]
I will post this during the commercial break.
If you see it on your feed, give it a like,
give it a "wetweet" and enjoy.