Prince Harry and Meghan Markle
sent shockwaves through the UK
when they sent Buckingham Palace a breakup text.
But now the queen is saying, "Slow your roll, bitches."
Now to that bombshell announcement.
The whole world is talking about it.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle revealing that they intend
to step back as so-called "senior members"
of the Royal Family.
NEWSMAN: A rift in the Royal Family
not seen for a generation.
Prince Harry, the most popular royal after the queen,
and his American wife Meghan,
issuing what amounts to a declaration of independence.
Their bombshell announcement
taking other royals by surprise.
There was no advance warning for the queen,
Prince Charles or Prince William.
Buckingham Palace issuing a terse response:
Oh...
-shit just got real. -(laughter)
Yeah, apparently, the queen is not happy,
because Harry and Meghan didn't tell her
they plan to quit the family business.
Yeah. And maybe they did tell her,
but because she's, like, a hundred years old, she forgot.
You don't know. Yeah, maybe they're like,
"Grandma, we're leaving the Royal Family."
She's like, "When?" They're like, "Next week."
"What's next week?" "We're leaving."
"Who's leaving?" "We are."
"You are what?" "Aw, never mind."
"Those suckers fall for it every time."
Now, some people are saying the queen is upset
because the Royal Family needs Harry and Meghan
to stay popular and relevant.
I think the real reason is that the queen is mad
because now she's stuck with a bunch of merchandise
she can't sell.
Yeah. She's like, "I can't sell shirts that say 'Slay Queen'
"if there's no black family!
I'll get cancelled on Twitter!"
You know who I feel bad for in all of this, though?
Meghan and Harry's son Archie.
Yeah. 'Cause you realize, eventually he's gonna grow up
and be like, "So let me get this straight.
(laughter)
"We used to be in the Royal Family?
"Like, I could have been a king?
"And now I'm working at Burger King?
-Is that what you're saying?" -(laughter)
All right, moving on, from the most entitled family in England
to the most entitled family in the U.S.
President Trump has spent nearly a third of his days in office
visiting one of his own vacation properties.
And every time Trump and his family travels,
it costs the taxpayers money.
And if you'd like to know how much money,
well, there's good news and bad news.
NEWSWOMAN: The Washington Post reports
the Trump Administration wants to delay
until after the election a Democratic proposal.
It requires the Secret Service to disclose
just how much it spends on protecting the president
and his family when they travel.
The Secret Service is part of the Treasury Department.
Treasury secretary Steve Mnuchin
has reportedly agreed to the idea,
but wants to start it after the presidential election.
Oh, yes, that's right-- Steve Mnuchin, treasury secretary
and corporate Kylo Ren,
says he will disclose how much money
the Secret Service spends on Trump,
but only after the election.
Yeah. And that can't be a good sign.
Why after the election? Huh?
That's like asking a hook-up if they've been tested,
and they say, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was,
and I'll tell you the results after we smash."
-(laughter) -Now, protecting a president
has always cost money, let's be fair.
But Trump is a special case,
'cause this is the first time where the Secret Service
also has to protect the president from himself.
Yeah. They're like, "Watch out, Mr. President,
"the stove is hot.
"Sir, what did I just say? Stop that.
"Sir, stop... Okay, you want to touch it?
Touch it, touch it, touch it, Do you want touch it?"
He's like, "No, I learned my lesson."
(laughter)
I'm just picturing him now.
"Are you gonna touch it?" "No, no, I'm not touching."
Now, we already know that since he became president,
Trump's travel has cost taxpayers
about $100 million.
What I want to know is a breakdown.
I want to see a breakdown of what they spend on each member
of the Trump family. Yeah.
'Cause I bet they spend, like, a fortune to protect Ivanka,
but then they just buy Eric a Groupon for karate lessons.
-(laughter) -"Hey, figure that shit out."
All right, and finally, some news going viral online.
Madame Tussauds is world-famous
for creating life-like wax replicas
of famous people throughout time.
But they're also famous for sometimes getting it very wrong.
NEWSWOMAN: A wax figure of a celebrity at Madame Tussauds
is being roasted online-- it's the figure of Nicki Minaj.
At Tussauds Museum in Berlin, the image is supposed to be
of the rapper from her music video,
but social media thinks, uh, it's not even close.
One tweet called it "a mess"
and asked, does Google not exist?
Okay, that is a terrible-looking replica
of Nicki Minaj.
It's almost like the sculptor focused so much on the ass
that when he got to the face, he was just like, "Aw, I'm tired.
-I don't... I don't know." -(laughter)
But instead of asking why doesn't this wax figure
look like Nicki Minaj, I feel like people should be asking
the question: Why are we still making wax figures?!
'Cause in the 1700s, when Madame Tussauds started,
it made sense-- you didn't know what people looked like, right?
Now we have cameras. Right? No one out there is like,
"I want to know what Ed Sheeran looks like,
-but I want bees to be involved." -(laughter)
I mean, at the same time, I also kind of feel bad
for the people who work at Madame Tussauds,
'cause making wax figures is difficult.
Like, even a candle is hard to make.
One time I tried to make a candle
for my mom for her birthday,
and it came out looking like Mitch McConnell. Yeah.
And here's my big issue. Here's my big issue.
Why did they make Nicki Minaj's wax figure in that position?
Like, like, do you know what I mean?
No, 'cause everyone else's wax figure gets to stand.
Beyoncé's stands. Elton John's stands.
But Nicki Minaj is ass-up,
like that's her natural position in life.
She did that once.
So, like, she goes to the grocery store like, "Yes, yes.
-(laughter) "Some milk, please.
Some milk."
If I was Nicki Minaj, I would be pissed off with that.
It's the same way I bet Jesus will be pissed off
when he comes back to Earth-- he's gonna be, "Wait,
I was crucified one time, and that's how you remember me?
"One time? What about the time I walked on water?
"Where's the statue of that? Huh?
"Remember the magic trick with the wine?
"Where's the statue of that? And also, why do I look white?
What the hell is going on!"